Educating Susanna Never a Nanny, Always a Butler
by lisacheerio85
Summary: CC/Niles - CC reflects on significant moments in her past that have made her who she is today includes pre and post Nanny times and places . Some adult themes. Drama/Romance
1. Chapter 1

ONE

"Mommy."

CC looked up with a smile on her face as her daughter announced herself in the office. Her small arms were above her head, her hands clasped around the high handle. She looked adorable and delicate in her oversized uniform, and CC was still getting used to the fact that her daughter was old enough to go to school. Susanna's straight, blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her big, blue eyes were wide and expectant. CC returned her attention briefly to the voice in her ear.

"I'll call you back Tim," she said, hanging up. Five years earlier she never would have hung up on an investor. She pushed herself back in her chair and patted her lap, and Susanna grinned, hurrying forward and clambering onto her. They hugged each other, and CC loudly kissed her cheek.

"Daddy's gone to work," she said. CC nodded, glancing at her watch as she held her daughter. He would be rushing but on time, she realised, and relaxed.

"How was your day?" she asked, smoothing out Susanna's uniform dress and fiddling with her hair. Susanna let her for a while, but then turned her head around to look up into her mother's eyes with a stern expression.

"I want to tell you mommy, I'm quitting school."

"Oh really?" CC asked, smirking with good humour. "Why?"

"The other kids said I don't belong there." CC frowned as her daughter's expression faltered and her eyes filled with tears. The excuse was different every time, but this was unexpected.

"Why?" CC asked more gently, her hand resting against Susanna's stomach. Susanna's small fingers fiddled with CC's engagement and wedding rings, and she looked downwards as she answered.

"Because I don't have a nanny and because daddy's a maid." CC pressed her lips together to stop herself from laughing, at the same time as anger began to bubble inside her stomach. She knew having Niles working at the Robinson's the other week had been a bad idea, with the kids in the same school and the mother on the School Board, but it was so much money for one night's work they hadn't turned it down.

"Now sweetheart," CC whispered, pressing her lips to her daughter's smooth cheek. "Daddy's not a maid, remember?"

"I know," Susanna said, sighing. "He's a butler."

"That's right," she said. "And it's a very important, respectable job."

"Opening the door for rich people?"

"Yes," CC said, laughing.

"But he's a servant, right?"

"Yes he is." There was no point lying when CC herself had thought of Niles as a servant for nearly as long as she had known him.

"But you're famous, aren't you?" Susanna asked. "You're rich, that's why I go to the rich school?"

"Your daddy and I thought you would do better at this school," CC said, smoothing her uniform along her lap once more. "But maybe we were wrong. You only just started. Do you know this is the third time you've decided to quit school in a month? Not that we let you."

"Daddy says I don't have to do anything I don't want to do."

"Well that's just daddy spoiling you," CC said, chuckling. "And it doesn't apply to school. Do you think daddy enjoys cleaning up after rude people who think he's beneath them all the time? But he still does it."

"Why?"

"Because when they're nice to him he enjoys it, and it's a job where he gets to see you a lot, and help me with you, so that you don't need a nanny. Wouldn't you prefer it that way?"

"But having a nanny seems fun. Some of them are very pretty and young. Alisha's nanny is from England like daddy! But she's, um, eighteen."

"Oh, isn't Alisha's daddy a lucky man!"

"Huh?" Susanna asked, looking at CC with a confused frown. CC only giggled and hugged her daughter tighter.

"Listen," she said. "You are the most important thing in your mommy and daddy's life and we want to spend as much time with you as we can. You're right, I do have a lot of money, and I share it with you and daddy. We're lucky because it means we don't have to work all the time like some mommies and daddies."

"But you work heaps. You're famous."

"I'm not famous sweetheart," CC said with a whisper. "I just go to work like everyone else."

"Daddy said leaving Max was the best thing you ever did."

"Did he?"

"Yes but he also said not to tell you he said it," Susanna added with a loud giggle, squirming to get off CC's lap. She jumped to the floor and turned around once freed. "Mommy," she said. "Did you have a nanny when you were a little girl?"

"I did," CC said, reaching out to tuck some of Susanna's loose blonde hair behind her ear. "I didn't like it at all. I never saw my daddy."

"What about your mommy?"

"She left when I was little," CC said, whispering. Susanna's eyes went wide. CC sighed. The poor girl did not know her grandparents and never would.

"Where did she go?"

"She went to live in Boston with another man."

"A lover?" CC's cheeks tinged pink as her lips parted in shock.

"Susanna! Where did you hear that word?" How could her five year old possibly understand? Susanna covered her mouth with her two hands and giggled.

"I heard daddy call you it before he kissed you on the couch last night." CC's face felt hot but she could not help a grin, at the memory and at the current expression on her angel's face.

"You were meant to be in bed, little miss."

"I escaped."

"Oh, did you?" CC asked, laughing as she got out of the chair. She reached out to try to capture Susanna and tickle her. Susanna squealed and ran from the room, and CC quickly returned to her chair. She had work to do, she had a sold-out show opening in a fortnight, but first she would make afternoon tea and set Susanna up with some homework in the office, so that they could both get some things done before it was time to heat up dinner.

*

CC still found it hard to believe how beautiful her daughter was. She had been rendered speechless in the hospital, holding this baby that had been inside her for nine months, with Niles' arms around her and his lips kissing down her face. They had both cried at the arrival of their healthy baby girl, and CC had watched her blossom into a real little person with her own devious, somewhat defiant personality. That itself had been an unavoidable consequence of her and Niles reproducing, but Susanna was also calm and rational, bright and funny. It seemed there were good things to have come out of that union after all.

CC watched as she worked diligently on her homework. Sometimes having Susanna's miniature table and chair in the office was a bad thing; CC found herself spending more time staring at her daughter than doing her own work. That was until Susanna would look over at her and give her a stern frown.

"Mommy, go back to work!" she would say.

CC smiled at the memory as she returned her attention to the costuming photographs spread out in front of her for final approval. She was excited about her show opening. The lead had top billing, she had secured the best theatre, and the investors had been throwing money at her ever since she had taken a chance and produced Niles' play.

The press had jumped on board as soon as they realised the producer had married the writer, a real-life butler, and ticket sales, bolstered by publicity, had gone through the roof. The reviews had been mixed, but that had not bothered CC; the show had been the quirky Broadway hit of the season, and she and Niles had one shiny Tony and one shiny Theatre Guild award to prove it. She had not had a flop since.

"Mommy," Susanna said, interrupting her thoughts. "How do you spell your name?"

"You know that," CC replied with a gentle smile. It was two letters, how hard could it be for her daughter- CC hesitated, before pressing her lips together and observing the cheeky grin on Susanna's face. It was a hybrid of hers and Niles' wicked smiles, and it told CC Susanna had something far more complicated than two Cs in mind. "Why?" she asked in a drawl.

"We have to write a story. I want to write your name but I don't know how to spell it."

"Honey, my name's a secret."

"Why?" Susanna asked, putting her pencil down and leaning forward with her chin in her hands. CC's heart melted a little bit more inside her chest at the endearing posture.

"Well," CC said, wondering how to approach this. "You know how mommy's a producer?" Susanna nodded. "CC is my producer-name. It's what people know me as. I don't like using my real name."

"But this is just for school."

"Just write CC."

"But your name is my middle name right? Chastity? I remember that. How do you spell it?"

"Susanna honey," CC said with a sigh. "It's embarrassing."

"Why?" CC shrugged. "Why'd you give it to me as my middle name if it's embarrassing?"

"Because part of a parent's job is passing down to their children their own embarrassing names. You're just lucky it wasn't your first name, like mine is."

"I like it," Susanna said with a grin. "I love my name!"

"When you're older you'll realise why it's your middle name and not your first, but daddy insisted," CC replied, laughing. "Please just call mommy CC, Susie."

"But I've heard daddy call you Cl-"

"Daddy can call me whatever he likes when we're in this house. But when we're in public-"

"Okay," Susanna said, shaking her head and returning to her work. CC picked up a picture of an evening gown and observed the colour, not willing to bury herself too deeply in her work. She had a feeling Susanna was not finished. "Mommy." CC grinned. Did she know her daughter or what?

"Mm?" she hummed, looking over the top of the photo with a raised eyebrow. Susanna giggled.

"Is daddy going to be late tonight?"

"Yes, he's at a party."

"How come we're not going?"

"We're not invited angel."

"How come?"

"We don't get invited to parties when daddy is working at them."

"Why not?"

"Because people are embarrassed to employ your father to work for them and then invite me as a guest."

"Does it embarrass you?"

"No, but it upsets a lot of other people." CC paused, before grinning and looking at Susanna, feeling the need to impart a streak of rebellion in her. "Although, whenever we are in a situation like that we always like to give people a bit to gossip over. The last time, we let ourselves be caught in the kitchen kissing by the other wait staff and caterers. They all saw us." Susanna sucked in a breath with a grin of pure glee on her face.

"Really?" CC nodded. "Did you get in trouble?"

"No, we're married and kissing is okay for married mommies and daddies. But by the time I got back to the party the waiters had spread it around, and everyone knew that I, CC Babcock, had been kissing the butler in the kitchen. Nobody could string a full sentence to me or look me in the eyes for the rest of the night. It was such fun!"

"You're funny mommy," Susanna said, giggling. CC grinned. She never thought of herself as funny in a way that other people understood. Until she met Niles, of course. She was glad their daughter took after them. They were on the same page, and it made her feel so in love, and so proud. She wished Niles was not at work; she wanted to hold him, and ask his opinion on the costumes.

*

The phone woke CC from her sleep, and she stretched out on top of the covers as she reached for the receiver by the large bed. Her other hand sought out the warm body she had come to expect beside her, and when she found nothing more than the cool, crumpled covers she assumed the call was Niles, ringing to let her know he was running late.

"Hello?" she asked, too tired to announce herself properly or with any degree of propriety. She listened to the calm, gentle voice of the woman on the other end of the phone ask her if she was CC Babcock. CC acknowledged her with a confused, "Yeah" and then sat up as the woman continued.

CC felt her heart slow down to a painful thud, thud, thud, and she held her breath as she let the woman finish what she had to say. There was no point interrupting. When she hung up, she took a moment just to breathe, and she looked to the other side of the bed, where, on Niles' bedside table, sat a large portrait of just the two of them, wrapped in each other's arms on the Californian coast. She could only just make it out in the dark.

Fear struck with a painful urgency and CC sprang into action. She got out of her pyjamas in the dark and reached for the first clothes she could find; her around-the-house clothes that were draped over the chair in the corner of their large master bedroom. She pulled on the blue jeans and bulky, cream sweater and ran her fingers through her ash blonde hair. The lamp went on long enough for her to find her handbag and check that her wallet, phone and diary were all inside. The lamp went off as soon as her eyes filled with tears at the sight of her diamond rings, glinting on her hand under the light, the ones Niles had paid for with his own savings, before they loved each other so well.

CC found Susanna in bed, sleeping on her side with her arms wrapped around the large, soft teddy bear she had named Philip. It was such a proper little name for a bear, but then again it was not as though her father's name was Billy Bob. CC and Niles might have been social rebels but they were not so liberal in the naming department, and if Susanna had decided to call her bear Shaniqua it would have stunned them.

CC found the clothes Susanna had changed into for dinner, and with them bunched under one arm she leant over the single bed and shook her daughter awake.

"Mm, mommy?" Susanna asked, groggy as she reached up to rub at her eyes with her fist. "Mommy what is it?"

"Susie, you need to get up and dressed angel," CC said. "We need to go somewhere very fast." It was too late to call a babysitter, and perhaps selfishly CC wanted her baby with her.

Susanna was tired enough to be malleable and she stood in the dark and let CC dress her; something she had refused any help for since she was old enough to tie her own shoelaces. CC dressed her daughter in leggings and a long jumper, and Susanna sat on the bed as she let her mother fit her shoes and socks.

"Where are we going? Is it morning?" she asked, vaguely looking around.

"No sweetie, it's late," CC said. In fact it was not too late. She had barely been dozing an hour. CC handed Philip the bear to Susanna and watched her clutch it. "Quick trip to the bathroom before we go," she said. Susanna did as she was told, and did not argue when CC leant down to pick her up. CC groaned at the extra weight, but drew comfort from the feeling of Susanna's legs around her hips, and one of her arms around her shoulders. The other held Philip between them.

"Mommy," Susanna began as CC manoeuvred them out of their penthouse apartment to the elevator. "Where are we going? What's wrong?"

"Daddy wants to see us," CC whispered, her heart racing as she felt her daughter smile against her neck. She had no idea, and CC could not bear to tell her yet.

*

The emergency room was busy, and despite CC's harassment of staff it was hours before a doctor could see them. The wait was interminable, and CC was glad when Susanna fell asleep across her lap. At least the dead weight of her petite body prevented CC from getting up and demanding to see her husband every ten minutes. Nobody seemed to know where Niles was or what had happened to him. In fact she knew more from the telephone operator than anything the nurses on staff in emergency had been able to tell her.

Finally, a doctor came out calling for her. Niles had important contact information for her in his wallet, just as she had his details with her, in case there was ever a need. They must have found her that way, or through his medical records on file. She thought he had his annual stress tests at this hospital, but she could not remember when the last one was. As the doctor caught her eye and she beckoned him over, she saw a flicker of recognition in his face. He knew who she was, and he probably just realised who his patient was also.

CC left her hand underneath Susanna's head until the last possible moment, easing her to rest on the uncomfortable plastic. Susanna remained asleep and clutching her bear; she was worried about daddy but CC had deliberately kept her in the dark until she had hard facts.

"Ms Babcock?" the doctor asked. CC nodded and shook his hand, and they walked several metres away, but not so far away as to not be able to see her little girl. CC would just die if somebody took the opportunity to snatch Susanna when her back was turned. "You're CC Babcock the producer, aren't you?" he asked. "I have tickets to your new show." CC nodded. She had once delighted in being recognised as a producer in her own right, and she still enjoyed it on some level, but this time her mind was focussed on her husband. Her being a producer was not going to save his life.

"What happened?" she asked. "How is he? Nobody's told us anything."

"I apologise for the delay," he said, offering her a smile. "We think Niles is going to be fine." The relief CC felt would have caused her to faint had the doctor not reached out to grip her elbow. "Are you okay?" he asked. CC nodded, pressing her lips together as tears filled her eyes.

"I was told he had a heart attack," she said.

"His heart looks fine," the doctor promised, to CC's surprise. "It was not a major cardiac event." Her eyes widened and she frowned, confused. "We think it might have been a flare-up of his angina, which I see on his records he's been treated for over the years-"

"He manages it well," CC said, assuring him with a nod. "He's fit."

"The police believe your husband panicked at the chest pain, accelerated instead of braked, and ran his car off the road. It's quite common. The car struck a street light and a parked car. He has a badly bruised face courtesy of the airbag, and a broken leg. He's very lucky."

"Why has it taken this long to tell me that?" CC asked, sucking in a breath. What wasn't the doctor saying?

"He has a head injury and we were waiting for some scan results. It's a serious concussion, Ms Babcock, which we'll be monitoring over the coming days. I believe he'll be unconscious for some time yet, and there will be more tests in the morning, but for now he is stable."

"There's no bleeding into the brain or swelling or anything like that?"

"At this stage there's no evidence of that."

"But you're concerned," CC said with narrowed eyes and a stern face she knew no person dared lie to, no person except her husband anyway. The doctor hesitated before nodding.

"We will take good care of him. You and your daughter can see him." CC nodded and memorised the room details and directions, before shaking the doctor's hand. They would be talking again within the day, of that she was sure. She then returned to the chairs and bundled Susanna into her arms. Destination, elevator.

*

The last time CC spent so much time in a hospital was when she was having Susanna. That had been twenty hours of Hell quickly forgotten thanks to the adorable baby she got as a prize for stamina. Niles had not left her side that day, or the day after that when she was a mess of hormones and doubts and tears. She remembered it as though it had been just a day or two earlier, but Susanna was a little girl, and as CC watched her curled up in an upholstered visitor's chair she had to take the opportunity to thank God that they had not needed to be in a hospital since. Five years was a good run, and before that it had almost been another five years; Niles' first heart attack.

She had been there when it happened. They had been verbally sparring, as usual, and then suddenly he stopped, he didn't fire back. He hit the ground before CC could react. She thought he had just fainted, but when he opened his eyes and clutched at his chest she knew it was more. She had called the ambulance, ridden in it with him and held his hand as he lost consciousness. She thought he had died. She thought he had died before she ever got the chance to tell him that she respected him, that she enjoyed his company, that she did not completely hate him like she publicly led him and everyone else to believe.

Back then she never would have imagined that underneath his own stubborn, proud exterior he felt the same way. In fact he had felt more than she had, or at least he had admitted it to himself a lot earlier than she had. CC had managed to keep herself in denial for years. How could she be in love with a butler? How could she love him? His words were often cruel, he hated her, and yet they had danced, they had kissed, they had laughed together. Her Niles, the King of Mixed Messages.

She had once fantasized about life with Maxwell, but those days seemed so long ago. She could not imagine spending her life beside anyone other than the fit, fifty-three year old man lying in the bed in front of her, strapped to a heart monitor with an oxygen mask over his face and a cast on his leg. He looked so much older than he was. He had given so many years of his life to serving others, to being beaten down and forgotten, to being woken up in the middle of the night for glasses of water or pillow-fluffing.

It had taken so much from his body, but it hadn't dampened his generosity or his spirit. His dark blonde hair was a shade lighter, and his face was lined and weary, but in sleep it softened, he was peaceful, and CC could forget about all the years she had treated him like crap, secretly disrespecting him for putting up with it. He was her beautiful, handsome, loving husband, and she was not ready to say goodbye. They might have known each other for decades, but they had only been together for six years. It was not enough.

CC reached forward to stroke his swollen cheek and allowed herself to smile through gathering tears.

"You'll be okay," she promised in a whisper. Niles remained still, and when she reached for his hand she found it cool and limp.

*

CC did not know what time Susanna crawled onto her lap, but she thought it was nearing morning. CC forced her eyes open to rearrange her whimpering little girl in her lap, and she leant back in the chair as much as she could, stroking Susanna's loose, fair hair. She kissed her cheek and rocked her, making sure Philip was tucked in safely between them.

"What's the matter Susie?" she asked.

"Daddy's sick," she said, whispering as though she did not want Niles to hear. CC nodded and kissed her again. "Is he gonna get better?" CC did not correct her daughter's grammar.

"I hope so," she said. "We'll go home soon."

"I want to stay."

"Oh honey, we at least need to go and get some breakfast, and have a bath. Mommy needs to make some arrangements for work. We can come back. Daddy's not going anywhere."

"Okay. But not right now?"

"We can stay a little longer." CC really wanted to sleep, but she could not let herself relax. She tried to focus more on Susanna's fidgeting than her steady breathing, on Niles' oxygen mask instead of the rhythmic heart monitor.

"Mommy," Susanna said after several minutes. "Can you tell me a story?"

"What sort of story?"

"How did you meet daddy?" CC sighed, smiling as she rested her cheek on top of Susanna's head. She had thought about this story many times, she had thought about all the ways she might one day impress the lessons she had learned on her daughter, but she never would have thought it would be spoken to a five year old in a hospital. How could she ever convey all the times in her life that led to that meeting, that led to that wedding, that led to her loving a man she was never meant to love? How could she say those things in front of him, while a machine counted his heart beats just to reassure her that he was alive?

"Oh honey," she whispered, feeling a surge of nostalgia. "How long do you have?"

"I don't know mommy. You pick." CC squeezed her eyes shut and squeezed her daughter. Thank you Niles, she silently told him. She's ours and I love her.

"How about we start at the beginning," she said. "When I was your age."

"Did you meet daddy when you were my age?"

"No," CC said, laughing. "But it's the start of the story." Susanna heaved a big sigh, as though she knew she would regret her question, but CC knew this was important, and she wanted Susanna to grow up knowing the truth. She did not have secrets from her family, and if it was the only time Susanna ever asked or cared, then CC was going to make the most of it.


	2. Chapter 2

TWO

CC held onto her daughter tightly. She wanted her to know that what she was about to say would never happen to her. Susanna waited patiently, staring down at Phillip.

"When I was about your age, my mommy left for good," CC began.

*

CC lay on her stomach underneath her bed, hidden by her frilly, purple valance. She rested her chin on the carpet and covered her ears with her small hands, doing her best to block out the argument happening just down the hall. It was late, and the house was dark. Shadows played on the walls from the moonlight streaming in from her bedroom window, high up on the third floor of their big, fancy home outside the city. There were not a lot of neighbours, and not many children around. The argument echoed in all the extra space, and CC shut her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks.

She had never heard her parents shout at each other before. She knew when they were angry at each other because they never said anything during those times, and they would glare at each other and slam plates and cups hard onto the tabletops, but yelling was something new, and it was a frightening thing for a girl of four-turning-five to overhear.

"You selfish cow!"

"I'm selfish? I'm not the one waltzing off to parties with teenage girls dangling off my arms!"

"For God's sake Belinda I invited you to come! You cannot use this as justification to abandon-"

"How dare you accuse me of abandonment? I need space, Stuart. You're suffocating me!"

"How can I suffocate you? We're never in the same room!"

"It's not you, it's 'you', it's this! You're a bastard, and I am not going to lie around waiting for you to get old and die. I have my own money you know."

"No I didn't know that, the way you go around spending mine!"

"Well I do!"

"I wasn't being serious BB! Jesus Christ! What about the kids?"

"Noel's off at school-"

"Your daughters you insensitive woman!"

"I'll take the baby with me. You can have CC."

"What?"

"DD needs me."

"And your eldest daughter doesn't? Belinda, she's four years old!"

"Hire a second nanny. She's your daughter, Stuart. She's all you. I don't understand that girl, I never have."

"She's FOUR."

"She's YOURS. You deal with her and Noel."

"And I suppose when DD's old enough to talk you'll be rid of her as well?"

"Well we can't split them up permanently Stuart. Honestly what sort of mother do you take me for?"

"Oh, do you really want to know? You drunken, ridiculous excuse for a woman! I don't know what I ever saw in you. You have no backbone. You're weak, you're pathetic!"

"If this is your attempt to get me to stay it SUCKS, Stu! I want out, got it? You look after your children for a change. I have better things to do with my life than fluff around this house."

"Like what?"

"Like it's none of your goddamn business."

"Are you having an affair? Are you?"

"Maybe. What's it to you? It's not as though you and I are in love, Stuart. It's not as though you're all innocent. I've heard all about your 'indiscretions' over the years. You're a joke, and I'm done putting up with it!"

"Fine, you know what? You pack your bags, take the baby, and get the Hell out of here. I never want to see you again, but you say goodbye to your daughter because if I get my way it's the last time you'll ever see her again. You're a disgusting excuse for a mother. You don't deserve any of them!"

The shouting continued, and CC shook as she tried to make sense of what she was hearing. Mommy was horrible? She was leaving?

Where was she going? For how long? CC did not know about any trip, but her parents were not happy, so maybe they were going to be apart for a long time, until they weren't mad at each other anymore.

It got quiet after that, and CC wondered whether Nanny Bobo and Jeremy and the other staff had been woken up by the argument. It was loud enough, but CC could not hear any more footsteps or voices over the sound of her own ragged breathing.

She waited for her mother to come in and say goodbye, like her daddy told her to. If she was going away for a long time like it sounded, and taking her little sister DD with her, then surely she would come in to kiss her goodnight. CC watched and listened for any movement on the other side of the door. After a long time spent waiting, she did hear footsteps, and she held her breath, preparing to explain to her mother that she was hiding under the bed because she got scared at the fighting. Maybe her mother would hug her and tuck her back in.

*

Nobody came. The footsteps walked right past the door and down the nearby stairs. It was her mother; CC recognised the sound of clicking heels, the same sort of high shoes her mother always wore, the shoes CC always got in trouble for trying on.

The wail of a baby broke through the night and CC shuffled out from underneath her bed. She hurried to the nearby window and lifted it open as far as her little arms could, before leaning out. She wanted to call out to her mother when she saw her loading up the town car, her driver Paul helping her pack. She had DD. Wasn't she even going to look up to say goodbye to her other daughter, the one that she had seemed to tell CC's father belonged to him and not her. How was that possible? Didn't she belong to both of them?

CC was frightened, and her knuckles were white as they clutched the worn window sill. Her mother never went anywhere at night. Most days she went into the city or to other houses to talk to her friends and play cards and talk about books, or she would shop in fancy, fantasy stores that CC very rarely got to go to herself. Her mother always said it wasn't a child's place in those shops; children broke things and got in the way, and other people didn't like having them running around interrupting their stride on the sidewalks.

CC did not see what the big deal was if she wanted to step in a puddle. It was fun! She didn't see why she had to get smacked for it. It was just water, wasn't it? That's what Nanny Bobo said. It would dry. And just for telling her mother that she got smacked some more.

There was no more shopping with mommy after that.

CC did not hear her bedroom door open, but she turned at the sound of footsteps.

"Miss CC?" Nanny Bobo addressed her with her Latino accent. Her chubby frame wobbled forward. CC could not make out Nanny Bobo's grey hair in the dark, but she knew it was probably pulled back into its usual bun. She had to sleep like that because CC had never seen her hair any other way.

"Where's mommy going?" CC asked.

"Oh angel-pie," Nanny Bobo said, walking over and resting her fat hands on CC's bony shoulders. "Miss CC, your mother is taking a trip. Like a vacation."

"Where's she going?"

"I don't know."

"How long is it for?"

"A while. You're too young to bother yourself with time, Miss CC. Come now, back to bed." CC looked at Nanny Bobo with wide, blue eyes.

"Is daddy okay?"

"He's fine. He's very tired and he's gone to bed."

"Can I hug him goodnight?"

"I don't think so child. Come on, into bed." Nanny Bobo held the sheets up and CC sighed as she climbed back amongst them. She let herself be tucked in, and then wiggled her arms out to cross them over her chest on top of her covers.

"Is daddy right?" she asked. "Is mommy a bad mommy?"

"She does the best she can," Nanny Bobo said, squeezing CC's hands. "And she does love you Miss CC, but it's hard for her to show it."

"Why?" CC asked, drawling deliberately.

"Well," Nanny Bobo said, running her fingers through CC's hair. "Not all mommies are cuddly mommies like on the TV." CC frowned. She could not remember the last time her mother had hugged her. Was Nanny Bobo saying it was a bad thing? Why wouldn't her mother want to hug her or say goodnight to her? What was wrong with her? "It's never the child's fault," Nanny Bobo said, reading her mind. "Sometimes the mommy just doesn't know how to love her babies. Other times, it's the easiest thing in the world. Your mommy...she's not as good with her babies as some other mommies. She just needs some time alone to get better."

"But she took DD."

"DD is still very little and needs a mommy no matter what." CC frowned. DD spent more time with Nanny Bobo than her mother. CC had never seen her mother change one of DD's dirty diapers. It didn't make sense, and CC felt alone without understanding why.

"Can I sleep with you Nanny Bobo?" she asked.

"Oh no sweetheart, you're not allowed. But I'll stay here with you until you fall asleep."

CC pretended. If Nanny Bobo did not want to sleep with her either then she just wanted to be alone.

*

Months passed, and the move to the high-rise city apartment came as a shock to CC. The big house in the hills was sold and all the staff left except for her father's driver, Peter, Nanny Bobo, and her father's butler, Jeremy. Noel continued at his boarding school and only ever came home on holidays, but even then sometimes CC did not see him; he went to visit their mother in another State. She kept moving around and CC lost track of where she was even though Nanny Bobo helped her put little pins on a big map in her playroom.

The first day of school in a bustling, crowded city was daunting, and CC cried as Nanny Bobo squished her large behind into a tiny chair in the classroom, doing her best to calm her. She wanted her mother, though what she wanted her mother for she did not know. What would her mother have done? Tell her to stop being a baby? Nanny Bobo pulled CC into her soft, ample chest and patted her back a few times, and then made a big show about trying to get herself out of the chair. It made CC laugh, and then she was just another little girl in a big classroom, with a lot of other little children. Some looked ecstatic, others devastated, but most simply looked wary.

CC sat at one of the small tables. The teacher had stuck their names to each desk and while she had to help some children find where they belonged, CC knew the alphabet and it was not hard to spot her short name amongst all the Annabel's and Roger's.

But when the teacher called her name out on the roll half the class started laughing. Mostly the boys. CC frowned and looked around at them. What was so funny about her name?

"Be quiet!" she said to them. "You're so rude!"

"It's okay CC," the teacher said. "That's my job." CC sat back with her arms folded and waited for the teacher to get them all to be quiet, but it seemed to take a long time, and CC could not help wondering whether the teacher secretly found her name very funny as well.

Nobody came up to talk to her that day, and CC went home disheartened.

"It's okay Miss CC," Nanny Bobo said as she fed her fruit and biscuits for afternoon tea. "You're just shy. You'll make friends tomorrow. Just walk up to some of those other girls and boys and say hello."

CC took her advice on board, and the next day approached two girls and a boy who sat at desks in her table group. They were eating lunch on a stool outside the classroom, and CC smoothed her hands down over her chequered uniform dress, hoping it looked neat and pretty. Her blonde hair was tied in pigtails with ribbons and she plastered a big smile on her face even though she did not feel much like smiling.

"Hello," she said. "I'm CC. Can I eat lunch with you?" The boy giggled.

"Your last name is a rude word!"

"What?" CC asked, frowning. Nobody had ever told her that before! He proceeded to explain and CC felt her chinks turn pink. Her stomach turned. She wanted to run away but she forced herself to stay there. "So," she said when they were done laughing. She bit her bottom lip. "Can I sit with you?"

"No," one of the girls said, sitting up with such a straight back CC thought she looked like a little ballerina just without the tutu.

"Why not?" she asked, defiant.

"Our mommies know each other and we play together all the time, and my mommy says your mommy ran off and has lots of men, and your daddy likes little girls, so we're not allowed to play with you."

"But we are girls," CC said. "I'm just like you. I have a nanny too."

"I seen her," the second girl said. "She's so old!" CC giggled. Nanny Bobo was definitely not young like some of the other nannies. "Yeah," the girl continued. "She gonna die real soon."

"What?" CC asked. She only had a vague idea of death. Nobody she knew had ever died, but she had seen it on TV in cartoons and movies, and she knew it meant the trio in front of her thought that Nanny Bobo was not going to be around for much longer. "No she's not!" CC insisted. "She's not too old!" She frowned at the little girls in front of her and stomped her foot on the cement. "You're a cow."

"Well you're ugly," the boy said, leaning forward. Tears filled CC's eyes. Nobody had ever called her ugly before. She turned and ran back into the classroom and ate lunch at her desk, worrying about Nanny Bobo and how she could be prettier and make people like her.

*

As though the other children in her class knew exactly what they were talking about, a month later, Nanny Bobo died in her sleep. CC knew something was wrong when her father came to wake her up. Her daddy only ever came into her bedroom to kiss her goodnight, and she never saw him other times.

Her father tried to explain it to her. She was sad, but when he said CC did not have to go to school that day, that she could spend the whole day with him as he worked from his home office, it cheered her up a lot.

First, that morning they went to the park, probably to be far away from whatever was happening to Nanny Bobo. CC walked around the edge of the fountain holding her father's hand, and they bought sweet food for breakfast and got to sit under a big tree and watch all the morning joggers and dog walkers go past.

"CC," her father said eventually, once the park was less busy and everyone had gone to work. "I wanted to tell you, you'll be spending Christmas with your mother this year."

"Really?" she asked. "Will Santa be able to find me?" Her father laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Of course, kitten. Noel and DD will be there as well. You kids will have a lot of fun."

"What are you doing?"

"I'll be working over the holidays, but it's a while away yet. I just thought this news might distract you."

"Noel will be home from school?" CC asked. She missed her big brother. She hoped he missed her too, but she never heard from him unless he came to visit. They always had a lot of fun together. She could beat him at anything!

"He will be," her father said.

"Daddy, how come I don't go to boarding school?" CC asked.

"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "Because you're too young just yet."

"But will I?"

"If you want, but I'm not going to make you. Your mother wanted Noel in that school, and he likes it there now, but I don't like the idea of my little girl sleeping away so much."

"I could do it daddy," CC said quickly, not wanting him to think she was weak like he said her mother was. CC had not forgotten the argument.

"Maybe," he said, patting her knee. "But I like having you close and being able to kiss you goodnight. Don't you like that?" She giggled, nodding.

"Yeah."

"Say 'yes' sweetie," he said. "Not yeah. It's not ladylike."

"Daddy," she said, kneeling up on the park bench and leaning into his shoulder. "The kids at school said Nanny Bobo was old and was gonna-"

"Going to."

"Going to die, and they were right. Does that mean they're right about other stuff?"

"What other stuff?" he asked, looking at her with his own blue eyes. CC responded thoughtfully, tilting her head to the side and watching his face for his reaction.

"They say I'm not allowed to play with them because I'm not the same class, but we are too in the same class, we sit right next to each other! And they said I was ugly." Her father laughed and hugged her around the waist, pulling her onto his lap. CC savoured the hug, it was so rare and she loved the feeling of being pressed up against his strong chest. It was different to hugging Nanny Bobo who was all softness, but her daddy was soft too, just in a different way.

"Kitten," he said, kissing the top of her head. "You are beautiful. You don't realise how beautiful you are because you're so little, but you just wait. Those other little girls and boys are just jealous, and if they're not you'll make 'em jealous when you grow up into a very pretty lady."

"You think so?"

"I know so," he said, touching the side of his nose. CC giggled. "And as for class, they don't mean school class. They mean social class, and they're wrong. You have every right to be their friend. You can show them that by acting a bit classier. Like your mother used to. Instead of running around like a little tom boy."

"They all sit like this," CC said, straightening her back and staring down her nose. Her father laughed as CC returned to slouching against him.

"Well I don't recommend that become permanent. Those little girls are obviously already in deportment lessons."

"What's that?"

"I'm sure your mother will get you involved," he said. "But listen, you don't take any crap from those little twerps okay? Just sit down, eat with them and join in. They'll accept you. It will just take some time."

"They said mommy has lots of men and you like little girls."

"Well I love little girls. I love you don't I?" CC blushed and smiled up at her father as he grinned at her. "Don't listen to that gossip CC. They heard that from their parents, and it's very spiteful, but those boys and girls don't understand what they're saying, so you just tell them that okay?" CC nodded, resolute in her plan to stick up for herself and find a way to fit in. "Listen," her father added. "You are doing really well at school. Your teacher says you're picking it all up very quickly and I am so very proud of you. That's the most important thing right now okay? Just keep your head down and make daddy proud."

"Okay," CC said with a whisper, leaning her head against her father's shoulder. "Can we come to the park every day daddy?"

"Oh, no kitten, I have a very busy job and you have school. This is a special day, and very sad because Nanny Bobo has left us, but I'm going to find you a new nanny, and when the weather's nice I'm sure she'll bring you to the park. What do you like best, the swing?" CC nodded, pleased and surprised that her father knew that about her. He grinned and eased her off his lap. "Okay, how about a quick push then before we head home?"

*

The new nanny, Nanny Carla, arrived the week after, and CC did not really like her. She did not dislike her, but she missed Nanny Bobo's big, soft arms and the way 'Miss CC' sounded with her accent. Nanny Carla was thin and bony, and she just called out for CC, no 'miss'. She was young, with long, straight dark hair and olive-brown skin. She had big, brown eyes. Her face was so thin and narrow it made her eyes look even bigger. CC spent most of her free time watching Nanny Carla when Nanny Carla didn't know it, wondering how somebody who looked so odd could be so pretty. Nanny Carla often left CC alone to play in her room, but what she didn't know was that CC mostly spent that time following her around the hotel.

One day, just before Christmas, CC's bags were packed and she was excited about seeing Noel and DD, and very scared about seeing her mother. She had spoken briefly to her mommy on the phone, but her mother's voice had sounded clipped and tense, as though maybe she didn't really want CC to come and visit. CC had hung up and run crying to Jeremy the butler, who she had known for as long as she could remember, and he had dried her tears with his handkerchief and politely led her to Nanny Carla for comfort. CC had gotten more comfort from his brief, stilted embrace than any number of pats on the head Nanny Carla might have given her had she cared a little more.

CC followed her to an apartment far below theirs. Nanny Carla always took the stairs, which CC did not understand. When they were together Nanny and CC took the lift, but whenever she came to room 302 she took the stairs. It gave CC lots of time to follow her. Then when she left, CC could take the lift up and beat Nanny Carla home, as though she had never left.

CC had spent months wondering what was behind door 302. Nanny Carla sometimes went there in the afternoons while CC was doing homework, but not every day and sometimes rarely. She never stayed very, very long. CC had decided that she must have another cleaning job because sometimes she came out looking all messed up and a bit sweaty.

She watched Nanny Carla enter the room with a key and then waited, watching for her to leave from around the corner. Sick of waiting and when she thought it was safe, she tiptoed closer and peered through the keyhole at the door. She could not see anything! It wasn't fair. She wanted to know what was inside. Maybe it wasn't another job, because CC could not hear a vacuum and she was close to the apartment. Maybe it was where her Christmas presents were. Surely she would get a present from her father before she left.

Suddenly she heard laughter, Nanny Carla, and she ran back to her hiding space around the turn in the hallway. The door opened, and CC watched as Nanny Carla's attempt to leave was stopped by a long, familiar arm snaking around her waist and pulling her back inside. Nanny Carla turned towards him, and they kissed up against the door frame. CC's eyes went wide and her mouth opened. She jumped out from behind the corner and put her hands on her hips. What was he doing with her nanny?

"Daddy!"

When CC got back from her Christmas trip, Nanny Carla was gone.

*

"Did you miss her?" Susanna asked.

"My nanny? Heavens no."

"No," Susanna said with an impatient drawl. "Your mommy, after Christmas."

"Not really," CC said, glancing over the top of her daughter's head to the heart monitor on the other side of the room. "Not like a little girl is supposed to miss her mommy. But I thought about her a lot. I think more than anything, I wanted her to miss me. I don't think she ever did."

"Would you miss me if I went away?"

"Oh baby," CC whispered as her throat clogged with tears. She pressed a loud kiss to Susanna's cheek. "I would miss you so much I don't know how I would ever manage. You're not going anywhere."

"What happened next?" Susanna asked, glancing up at CC with wide eyes and an expectant smile. CC returned the smile and shut her eyes, choosing her words carefully.


	3. Chapter 3

THREE

"As I grew up and learned about the world, I realised I didn't like the way my mommy and daddy and other rich people behaved to servants, and I tried to get them to change."

"How did they behave?" Susanna asked.

"Much the same way that they still do."

"So it didn't work?" she asked. CC laughed and shook her head.

"Nope, it didn't."

*

CC stormed past the old, fat Nanny Patrick on the way to her room. Her school bag was flung into the far corner and her bedroom door was slammed. She stood with her hands on her hips and stared at herself in the mirror. What was so wrong with how she was? So what if she was the tallest in her class. So what if she was the only one who filled out a 'real' bra. So what if she had really fat hips and thighs compared to all the other twelve year old girls who looked like they should be at tea parties with their teddies. She was just as cute as those girls, wasn't she? She was just as pretty!

How could Cameron tell her she wasn't good enough for him? She wasn't spoilt! She wasn't nearly as spoilt as all the other girls whose mommies gave them anything they wanted. They didn't have to write memos to their father to get a new dress! Cameron didn't know her at all.

He totally deserved to get punched in the face, and she wasn't sorry she got suspended for it either. Okay, so it wasn't 'ladylike', but so what. CC knew the principal had only suspended her for the last three days of the week because she felt sorry for her, because somehow not having a mother around meant that of course she was going to punch boys' faces in.

That wasn't it at all, and CC was insulted that they all thought that just because she lived with her father she was some kind of dirty, violent boy. She was nothing of the sort.

But it was just so confusing, and she had really liked Cameron. She thought he had liked her too. He wasn't as rich as the other boys but he had nice freckles on his cheeks, and sandy hair. He played sport and was a really good debater. That's where CC had fallen in love with him; she had been on the other team and she had not been able to concentrate on her rebuttal at all. Her failure had let his team win, and it hadn't bothered her nearly as much as it should have. When he looked at her and smiled, she melted, and lost her words.

Why didn't he like her?

CC's eyes filled with tears as she reached up and pulled her blonde ponytail out. She fluffed her shoulder-length hair around her face and swished her head around until her hair was fluffy and light. She put her hands on her hips. Her uniform skirt had risen up past her knees again and her father was going to be so mad that he had to buy her a new one so soon, but she did not like the way Mr Jones looked at her when her skirt got too short. She was bursting at the seams and it just was not fair.

"Miss CC!" Nanny Patrick called, knocking on her bedroom door and pushing it open. CC glared at her with wide eyes.

"I didn't say you could come in!"

"Bad day at school?" she asked. Nanny Patrick was sweet, but CC had tired of her months earlier. She was too nosey, she always wanted to know what was going on and she never let CC alone for more than a few minutes. Even if CC was just sitting in the dining room doing homework Nanny Patrick felt it was her business to be there. CC was sick of it.

"Do you think I'm spoilt?" she asked. Nanny Patrick looked nervous, and CC watched the older woman look around the large bedroom, with the king-size poster bed and the comfortable fainting couch CC had picked out herself from her mother for her eleventh birthday. She saw the answer in her Nanny's eyes and pressed her lips together. "Well that's going to change," she said. "I don't need a nanny anymore. You're fired."

"But Miss-"

"I don't need a nanny, and I'll tell daddy so!"

"Miss CC, your father thinks you do, and I'm not going anywhere. Now you're at a hard age, child, and look at you, do you need the next size up in your uniform again? Why, that was only the other month we got you new clothes wasn't it?"

CC growled and picked up her brush, throwing it at Nanny Patrick. Nanny Patrick saw it coming, and shut the bedroom door between them just in time to prevent any injuries. CC walked over to her bed and collapsed across it on her stomach, reaching for her own teddy bear and holding him against her side. So there was something wrong with her, even Nanny Patrick thought so. But it was not as though she could help growing, was it? She would stop growing soon and everyone else would catch up. She would stop, wouldn't she?

*

CC tiptoed along the hallway on the upper floor of the apartment as she approached the closed office door. Her father was home in between trips, and CC wanted to speak to him before Nanny Patrick. CC could not remember the last time she had a conversation with her father. They had been closer when she was a very little girl. CC thought it was because she had started to look more like her mother, who her daddy despised, but she reassured herself with the idea that he was just busy, and at least living in her own home was better than boarding school, which Noel had been subjected to ever since he was six years old.

She knocked on the door and held her breath.

"Come in," her father said. CC opened the door and stepped into the dim office, decorated with wood panelling and a matching desk. Expensive art hung on the walls and antique books filled up a number of shelves. CC's eyes travelled around the room before they settled on the handsome, silver-haired man sitting in the plump, black chair. He looked surprised, but he was smiling. CC took that as a good sign and shut the office door behind her. "CC!" he exclaimed. "How lovely. What can I do for you kitten?"

"Daddy," CC began, walking forward. Her father gestured to the chair opposite the desk reserved for visitors, and she perched on the edge, clasping her hands on top of her clenched knees. "Daddy I don't like Nanny Patrick. I never get any time alone."

"All right, we'll find another one," her father said, nodding with the satisfaction of having tidied up the latest problem. When CC did not budge, he frowned and shuffled in his seat. "Was there something else darling?"

"Daddy I don't want another nanny," CC said. "I think I'm old enough-"

"CC, you're only twelve."

"I'm nearly thirteen! I don't need a nanny."

"CC, it's important you have a female influence." CC scoffed, and then blushed when her father raised an eyebrow. They watched each other for an added second as CC debated whether or not she would get in trouble for insinuating her nannies were not very feminine ladies, but then her father began to laugh. CC let herself relax. "Don't you like having another lady around to talk to?" he asked. CC shook her head just as the door opened, and Jeremy stuck his head in.

"Sir," he said. "You called for me?"

"Yes, Jeremy, can you get me a glass of water?"

"Of course sir."

"Please," CC said, interrupting the exchange, staring at her father. "You forgot to say please daddy."

"Oh right, sorry Jeremy. May you please get me a glass of water." Jeremy smirked but his response was neutral.

"Of course sir." The door closed and CC turned to stare pointedly at her father.

"Why do you need Jeremy to get you water?" she asked.

"The kitchen is downstairs."

"Yes but there's a bathroom just across the hall." CC's father looked at her with an open mouth as he sucked in an audible breath. CC frowned, confused.

"CC! Kitten, you don't get water from the bathroom." CC pressed her lips together to stop herself from laughing but her cheeks went bright red, and eventually the laughter did escape.

"Daddy!" she said. "That's the stupidest thing you ever said!" She expected him to realise his mistake and laugh with her, but he only frowned, and CC's laughter faded into cautious silence.

"CC," he said. "Jeremy is in the business of providing us with service. If I didn't ask him for things like water he would have nothing to do all day. Now, please tell me you do not drink water from the bathroom."

"No daddy," CC said, lying with a straight back. "But if you were desperate-"

"But we're not, are we? Because we have Jeremy. Ah, thank you," he said as Jeremy returned.

"Anything for you Miss?" he asked CC. CC shook her head and managed a small smile. Jeremy gave her a little bow, as usual, and then left the office.

"Daddy," CC continued. "Nanny Patrick was spoiling me. She does everything for me. I want to do some things by myself. I think I'm old enough."

"Like what?"

"Like shopping. She made fun of the fact I outgrew my uniform again." CC blushed as her father eyed her blouse more closely, and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair and folded her arms over her chest. "Daddy," she growled. "I can't help it!"

"I see," he said with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "What did she say?"

"That's not important," CC said. "I just...I want more privacy. I'm not a little girl. She just comes into my room whenever she wants. I'm nearly a teenager. It's not fair."

"CC, look, we can get rid of Nanny Patrick, but if we don't get another, who would look after you when I'm away?" CC tried to stop herself rolling her eyes. He was away all the time and she had not had any problems of late that could not be solved without Jeremy's help. Nanny Patrick slept far too soundly to be of any help at all in making her usual midnight snack.

"Why can't I look after myself?" she asked. "I know how to answer the telephone."

"You mean you know how not to answer the telephone?" her father corrected. "Jeremy answers all our phone calls." CC sighed, leaning back in her chair and slouching.

"I know," she said, grumbling under her breath. Her father stood, and CC knew it was his signal that he was ready to end the conversation.

"Listen kitten," he said, gesturing for her to get off the large chair and head towards the door. "I'm going away tomorrow-"

"Duh."

"CC!"

"Sorry," she whispered. He clasped her shoulder and she tensed at his touch. When was the last time he had touched her? It felt so strange but he did not pull away.

"I'll be gone for a week," he continued. "Then I'll be back for a couple of days, tied up in meetings I'm afraid, and then I have to go to Europe for a few weeks, but when I get back from that trip, let's have lunch, all right?"

"I'll get Jeremy to pencil me in," CC mumbled.

"Oh and before I forget!" her father said, stopping her at the door. She turned and watched him hurry to his desk. He opened his cheque book and quickly scribbled. When he returned, he pushed a three hundred dollar cheque in her name into her hand. "For your uniforms," he said. CC stood there as he leant down to kiss her cheek, though he no longer had to lean so far. As she turned her back on him she heard him mumble something to himself about her growing up, but she did not want to hear it.

She did not want to do any more growing up. It sucked!

*

CC found Jeremy in the kitchen late that night, and neither looked surprised. Jeremy abandoned his cereal and hot chocolate when he saw her.

"Miss CC, the usual?" he asked. CC shook her head and Jeremy gave her a sympathetic look. "Extra chocolate?"

"No, it's okay," she said with a sigh, waving him back into his chair. "I want something more substantial. I'll get it myself." Jeremy looked amused but sat his old body back into the chair, and watched as she made a sandwich. "What do you think?" she asked once finished. Jeremy eyed the layers of ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, beetroot and mayonnaise with a discerning eye, and then smiled at her and nodded his approval.

"Couldn't have made it better myself. What are you doing, eating so much at this time of night?"

"I'm hungry," she huffed, sitting down beside him at the small table where the servants routinely ate their meals.

"Ah," Jeremy said with a wide smile. "Growing girl."

"Oh please," she said, rolling her eyes. "Make it stop."

"Why would you wish it to stop? You're a beautiful young lady. Boys will be crawling all over you before long."

"I doubt it," CC said, looking over at him. "If I tell you something, you'll keep it a secret?" Jeremy nodded and CC believed him. They had been talking for many years. "This boy at school, he said I was spoilt so he wouldn't go out with me. But I think maybe he just said it because he thinks I'm not pretty enough, because the other girls at school are so much more spoilt than me."

"Ah, but you're richer than most of them."

"Am I?" CC asked, frowning. Jeremy nodded.

"Didn't you know that?" he asked. She shook her head. She knew her father was wealthy, and so she was too by association, but she has never really cared how wealthy they were. "Well you are," Jeremy repeated. "And I'm sure not everyone in your class eats sandwiches at midnight with their old butler eh?"

"It's not like I got you to make it!"

"Oh I don't mind, Miss CC. It's my job."

"Don't you get tired of it?" she asked. Jeremy sighed and slouched in his chair. He nodded but said nothing. "Then why don't you retire? Daddy would help you retire, wouldn't he?"

"Well I don't know miss. We've never spoken about it." CC's mouth opened as she stared at him. They never spoke of it?

"But you're so old!" Jeremy nearly choked on his hot chocolate but laughed when he returned his mug to the bench.

"Thank you Miss CC."

"But, I mean, what's going to happen then?"

"Well, I assume I will be doing this job until one day I get sick, and then I'll die."

"But...that's not very fun."

"Not everyone can retire to a condo in Florida. There are far too many old cronies like myself wandering this earth for that to be possible."

"You could retire with your family?"

"I don't have a family." CC frowned at him. "I never married, Miss CC, and I don't have any children. I had a brother and sister, but they both died some time ago."

"You mean you don't have anyone?"

"Well your father is a bit like a son to me, when he's home. I've been his butler for many years now."

"Jeremy, that's horrible!"

"Oh, I made my peace with it a long time ago."

*

CC could not sleep. It just was not fair. At some point in the night she realised she had failed to mention to anyone in the house that she was suspended for punching Cameron in the face, but that did not matter. Her father was going away again, he didn't need to know and she would only get yelled at. At least when she told Jeremy the next day he would be too tired to really care. He was always tired lately, and CC finally understood why. He was really old, and he had nowhere else to be, and maybe he had finally realised he had done nothing with his life except get food and clean for other people.

People who thought they were better than him. Her father was delusional, of that she was sure. He was no better than Jeremy. He made himself okay with giving orders to the man by telling himself it was Jeremy's job and he loved it, but none of it was fair. It was slavery, like they learnt about in school.

CC stared at her ceiling as it struck her; they had slaves in their home. Her father paid them to do all the things he didn't want to do because he was too important. Or he thought he was too important. It was just ignored because they were white slaves. CC had to stop it. Nanny Patrick should have been with a family who really needed a nanny, maybe a family with lots of kids instead of just one, and Jeremy should have been chatting up old ladies on a beach somewhere, not caring whether there was a crease in his Bermuda shirt or not.

By the time the sun rose, CC had formulated a wicked, most excellent plan.

*

CC could not wait for her father to arrive home. She had checked his schedule and knew he was due to be home for dinner, and she had come straight home from school and got to work in the kitchen to be ready. Dinner was going to be perfect. She had laid out the dining table with their plates and cutlery, and she had put a small but fresh bunch of flowers from the community garden around the corner in a purple vase.

CC knew she was not a very good cook when it came to fancy food, she'd never had any proper lessons, but she thought her pizzas looked delicious. When the phone rang she let the machine answer, not wanting her father to ask too many questions over the telephone. He simply said he was ten minutes away and was starving.

Perfect.

CC raced upstairs in those last few minutes to change. She put on a black skirt and a pretty, red top, and brushed her blonde hair. She tucked it behind her ears, and added some raspberry lip gloss that stained her lips. Then she hurried back to the dining room to wait.

She heard her father come in through the front door.

"Jeremy!" he called. CC remained as silent as the rest of the house. She listened as her father put his own coat away, or perhaps he just threw it on the floor. She knew he would go to the kitchen to find Jeremy, and to do that he would need to pass through the dining room.

He stopped in his tracks when he saw her clasping the back of the chair, with dinner set out on the table between them.

"Hi daddy," she said with a grin.

"What's all this?" he asked.

"I made us dinner. Pizza! I made it myself, with pineapple and-"

"Where's Jeremy? And Nanny Patrick?"

"I let them go," she said with a shrug. Her father started to laugh, as though maybe she was kidding, but then his face grew serious and he took a step forward.

"And how did you do that?"

"Well, actually, I didn't. You did."

"Excuse me?" he asked. CC grinned.

"I sent a letter to myself pretending to be from you, so Jeremy saw it and gave it to me, and I opened it, as though you wrote to me? It had cheques in there for them, so that they could go. I only gave Nanny Patrick what she was owed for the month, but I thought Jeremy should have enough to be happy on. He was very, very happy."

"Excuse me?" her father asked again. CC lifted her eyebrows.

"The cheque you gave me for my uniform had your signature on it daddy."

"Ooh," he hissed, pressing his lips together. CC knew she was going to be in trouble but she was far too pleased with herself to care.

"Do you want some pizza?"

"Young lady-"

"I made it myself! Come on, why don't you sit down. You don't need a butler anyway daddy, I can make dinners. Sit, taste!"

CC was not sure what part of her well-practised invitation set him off, but her father went from quiet to furious within a second. He threw his briefcase on the table, and it skidded over the polished surface and crashed to the floor near CC.

"The point of having a butler is so you don't have to cook, CC!"

"But I want to-"

"Nobody wants to eat anything a twelve year old girl makes! For God's sakes, you forged my name? My signature? How much did you pay him? How much?"

"Two hundred," she said, frowning. She had done some investigating into just how rich her father was, and she knew it was only a smidgeon of his money. Still, his face went bright red.

"Two hundred thousand?" he asked. She nodded. "You paid our seventy-four year old butler two hundred thousand dollars?"

"To retire!" she said with a grin. "He was so happy. He said to tell you goodbye and that he loved working for you, but he said he was going to take a cruise and see lots of places, and he sounded really excited. He said he would send postcards!"

"CC!"

"What? We don't need him. I'll show you how to get water from the bathroom."

"Go to your room!" he screamed, putting his hands on his hips. CC did not budge, though she lifted her eyebrows in wait. "CC, I'm warning you. This is the worst thing you've ever done. Of all the stupid, brash, immature...How could you let him go like that? That was not your decision to make! When did this happen? Maybe I can stop the cheque-"

"Daddy, no!"

"What is wrong with you?" he asked, still shouting. "Why can't you just accept who you are? Where has this come from, all of a sudden? Is it hormones? Is that what's causing this craziness? I know you didn't get it from me, and you certainly did not get it from your mother. That woman would have had three butlers if she got her way!"

"You just wanted to work Jeremy until he died like a slave!" she shouted. "That's not fair daddy. He's a nice old man and nice old men should be retired."

"Oh I'll never find another butler-"

"Daddy, listen to me!"

"No, you listen to me!" he yelled. "You know nothing about the world, do you understand? I will not have my daughter cooking and cleaning like some house frau! I will not have it I tell you! You had absolutely no right to go into my personal business and forge my name. I could have you arrested, did you know that? I could press charges! Maybe if you spent a night or two in jail you would realise how lucky you are to live where you do, to have people who look after your every wish!"

"But I don't want-"

"I don't want to hear it! You go to your room right now and let me clean up this mess you made!"

"I did clean up!"

"What?"

"The kitchen, I-"

"Go to your ROOM!"

CC screamed but did as she was told, running to her room and slamming the door. She could hear her father on the phone into the night, trying to track down Jeremy, and CC secretly hoped he had used the last forty-eight hours to get far, far away. It definitely sounded like he had cashed his cheque. CC thought maybe he knew it was her all along. He had kissed the top of her hand and given her a deep bow before he left, like a fancy man might have. He had made a point of telling her he would be going straight to the bank.

It served her father right.

*

When he came into her room later that night she pretended to be asleep, lying on her side with her back to him. He sighed and sat down, the mattress dipping under his weight. He rested a hand on the blankets over her hip and patted her gently.

"I have to go away again," he said, whispering. CC was not sure if he knew she was awake or not. "I don't want to leave you here by yourself but I don't have a choice. A maid will be arriving in a few days to look after this place. I don't know her, she's from an agency. You're just too young to take care of yourself CC. I know it's confusing. You don't feel young, you want independence, but I love you too much to risk you getting hurt before you can handle it. I want you to be a good girl while daddy's gone, and we'll talk more when I get back in a few weeks."

CC doubted that very much. She and her father did not talk. In fact the night's argument had been the most words they had spoken to each other in perhaps a few years combined. He had not even tasted her pizza. He would hire new staff and she would play nice, and it would go back to how it always was, as though nothing had happened.

"You have such a good conscience CC," her father whispered as he stood. "You're going to make a horrible businessman."

He left her in the dark and CC's heart sank. She would? If her own father didn't think she was going to be any good at working in a grownup job, then how would she ever find a job she liked? She liked the sound of business, she wanted to learn more about it, but if her conscience was going to hold her back then, well, was it really that important all the time? Maybe she could ignore it some of the time. Maybe then she would be a better grownup.

Her conscience continued to gnaw at her all night. She had made her daddy so angry at her. He had left, and she hadn't even gotten to tell him she was sorry. What if something happened to him and she never told him? What if he thought she didn't love him? She could have gotten out of bed and gone to him. She knew he was not leaving until sunrise, but CC did not know how to say those things to her father, she felt too old for it, and it was awkward somehow, maybe because he never said those things to her.

She cried into her pillow and waited to hear him leave. As she listened to his footsteps pass her room, followed by the gentle rolling of his suitcase, she thought back to the night her mother left without saying goodbye. They weren't as different as they were always telling her after all. Maybe she had made her father so angry he didn't love her anymore.

She would be a good girl so that when he came home again he would be happier. No more firing servants.

But she was still glad she had set Jeremy free.

*

"Did you hear from him again?" Susanna asked, her voice vague and filled with tiredness. CC nodded, stroking her head and urging her to sleep. She would keep talking. It was soothing for them both, and maybe for Niles, if he could hear her.

"I did. Jeremy left me half of what I paid him when he died three years later. I never told daddy. He had forgotten all about that night by then."


	4. Chapter 4

FOUR

"The summer before my last year of high school, mother decided I was to become a debutante and have formal lessons in how to act properly in society. I went to stay with her in DC, and joined her circle of friends."

*

CC stood sat quietly at the tea table and let them fawn over her. Her hair, her figure, her apparently delicate features; CC found it hard to understand how they could all think she was so delicate when she was two heads taller than her younger sister and twice the size of her petite mother. She hated being on display. She did not understand why everyone wanted to touch her hair. She asked DD about it once they were alone.

"It's because you were the only natural blonde at that table."

"You mean mommy's not-" DD cut her off with a laugh.

"Oh please!" CC watched her younger sister, just thirteen, sitting at her dressing table, primping with makeup. CC sat on the end of the pink bedspread. DD was home from boarding school for the summer, and it was the most amount of time CC was to spend with her sister since DD was a baby. CC had always imagined that DD would be just like her, that when they saw each other they would have so much to talk about, but it had not taken long to see that DD was a mirror image of BB, and CC was the odd third wheel, the middle child stuck somewhere between the mother and the father. How appropriate.

CC let DD instruct her in the very best way to do her makeup, and it shamed CC to admit that she learned a bit. She never really wore makeup like other girls in school.

"Mommy says you've been living with daddy for far too long," she said. CC did not bother to correct her. She might have been living in their father's apartment, but 'with daddy' implied some sort of regular communication or sight. CC had barely seen him in months.

"I like it there. I like New York. Compared to New York, this city is a graveyard."

"Wow," DD said as she stared at CC's made-up reflection in the mirror. "You look really old with makeup on. I bet you could get into clubs without them asking for ID."

"I'm nearly seventeen. I would want to hope I looked at least that old."

"No, you look about twenty-five CC." DD laughed. "I wonder if you'll look older than you are for the rest of your life now?" CC sighed and stood, brushing her sister off and reaching for the pre-moistened towels to remove her makeup. She was such a positive little cherub.

"I only wear this stuff when I have to. At least yours comes off easier than the school plays'."

"You're an actor?" DD asked, standing and twirling. "Oh, how romantic. Mommy will have a fit!"

"Why?"

"Because if you become famous you'll be more popular than her. Oh, do it CC, just so I can see the look on her face?" CC laughed, but threw her arms out by her side in confusion.

"I thought you two got on so well you were like sisters?" DD scoffed.

"I'm still waiting for her to die just like any other kid in our position." CC frowned at the blunt response. She was surprised to hear it out of DD's mouth, even though the thought had occurred to her over the years, and she had heard kids at school talking, the odd flippant remark.

But CC did not have to wait for her parents to die. Her bank account was overflowing by the usual standards. Her father had invested millions in her name over the years, and when she completed her economics and business degree she would have full control of it.

Had her father not done that for his other children?

"What about daddy?" CC asked. DD shrugged and returned to primping herself in the mirror.

"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure he is my father." CC gasped and sat back down on the bed.

"DD!"

"Oh he knows it. It doesn't bother me. Mommy told me my father was a young, passionate dreamer. In other words, a much better lover than boring old daddy." CC knew there was a young Nanny Carla out there somewhere who would probably disagree. "Besides, I'm so different to you and Noel. He's so...quiet and stuffy, and you're so...tall and stubborn. You're both blonde with blue eyes. I'm brunette with brown. Makes sense to me."

"And you don't care that for that to be true mommy would have cheated on daddy?"

"Oh they were both doing it. It doesn't count when that happens."

CC retreated to her room where she could process. Her little sister, barely a teenager, conversed like a twenty year old, gossiping socialite. Is that what her mother wanted her to gain out of this three month trip? CC had agreed only because the following summer she would be going to college, and it was the last time she would ever be able to spend a lot of time with her family before she became an adult. But was it worth it? Maybe not. CC did not know how to become a lady, and even with makeup on, she wasn't sure she wanted to.

*

"Oh beautiful posture!" her tutor, Clarissa, said. "Your father taught you well."

"My dance teacher actually," CC corrected.

"What did you study?"

"Ballet." CC rolled her eyes when her mother nearly choked on her water at the other end of the table, which was covered in a beautiful lace cloth. "When I was a little girl," CC added through clenched teeth. She knew her mother was picturing her tall, broad, curvaceous frame in a tutu, and she did not care for it!

"Chin up dear," Clarissa reminded her. CC sighed but complied, looking down her nose at the table in front of her. How did anyone ever see their food? "Are you looking forward to your party?"

"Totally," CC mumbled. Clarissa and her mother shared a look, and CC stared between them. "What?"

"Dear," her mother replied. "It's not 'totally', you are not a homeless person. You say, 'Yes, I am, very much, thank you.'" CC put on her best lilting voice and fake smile.

"Yes, I am, very much, thank you." She thought she sounded like a freak but her mother beamed and clapped, and Clarissa squeezed her shoulder.

"Fast learner."

CC fought the desire to roll her eyes. She could not believe she had another month before she even got to the party!

*

If insisting for one week before the party that she wanted to wear a black dress nearly gave her mother a nervous breakdown, CC should not have been so surprised at the murderous scream that originated from her mother's mouth when she caught CC in the arms of one of the waiters in the pantry mid-gathering. CC's mind was a blur as it happened; she was far more concerned with the fact that it was her first kiss and that it was more amazing than anything she had ever imagined.

The thought of being caught had struck her, the boy had mentioned it, but CC had not minded. She had just wanted the kiss, to feel what it was like to be desired. Nobody from school wanted to go out with her because she was so different to all the other rich girls. Maybe wearing beautiful wedding dresses was okay if she got to be kissed so passionately every time.

Her mother's wail separated them, and the sting and surprise of her mother's hand whipping across her cheek brought tears to CC's eyes.

"Mommy!" she exclaimed.

"This is the most disgraceful exhibit. You'll never get a husband this way!"

"Well fine! I don't want to get married!" Her mother clutched at her chest and CC took the opportunity to tell the waiter he had to go. She was stunned to realise she did not remember his name.

"CC, have you no pride?"

"Of course I do," CC said, reaching up to touch her fancy hair, wondering if any of the half a million bobby pins hidden in there somewhere had come out.

"A Babcock does not make a habit of sneaking off into the cupboards with the servants! What is your father teaching you down in New York?"

"How to make money?" CC asked. Her mother whimpered.

"Darling you don't need to know how to make money. You have money!" She threw her arms wide. "And by the way, you were not going to find any cash hidden in that young man's mouth."

"Mommy you've kissed lots of men before-"

"Rich! Rich men!"

"But mommy, you don't need to make money. You have money!" CC grinned as she threw her mother's critique back in her face and mimicked her gesture; it was genius, but her mother looked less amused. Her cheeks went bright red and her brown eyes grew dark.

"CC Babcock, that is not funny. You go out there and you behave like a lady! Intelligent, attractive men do not fall in love with arrogant trollops, do you understand? They fall in love with ladies. I can't believe I actually thought you were ready for this. I have never been so disappointed in my life."

"That's tough, coming from a woman who had an illegitimate daughter." Her mother's hand rose to slap her once again and CC braced herself, but it never came. Instead, her mother's hand curled into a pointing finger.

"Mark my words young lady, that sharp tongue of yours will cause you nothing but heartache. If you don't change you will end up alone. Is that what you want?" CC rolled her eyes. "Is it?"

"No," she said with a sigh.

*

CC remained angry for the rest of the summer, and as the deportment lessons intensified in the wake of her disastrous coming out party, she discovered that acting like a rich snob gave her licence to freely criticise and express her anger. Her mouth ran away with her so quickly that people were laughing with her before they really understood what she said. Suddenly a little kiss, and some posh disdain made her popular, not only with DD, who wanted to know every detail of the kiss, but with the other teenage girls; daughters of her mother's friends.

Every time they went out for lunch or dessert, they expected CC to come out with some story. The conversations were more normal than CC had guessed. They talked about school, teachers, their parents, shopping. They were real conversations, yet they still somehow managed to sound fake and bitchy. CC hated it, but she let DD drag her around because now that she was 'out' she could chaperone DD, and far be it from CC to deprive her sister of a life outside her home. The poor kid was already in boarding school. How much worse could it get?

Yet every night CC went to the guest bedroom and lay down on the double bed. She removed the picture of her and her father from her suitcase and stared at it a while, before saying goodnight and returning it to its hiding place. She did not think her mother would approve of her carrying around an old photo. She definitely did not think her mother would understand her reasoning. Somehow, holding that photo of when she was eight, with her dad sitting with her under the Christmas tree, made her feel safer and more content than being in her mother's home. Even CC could not really explain it.

One night not long before she was due to leave, CC snuck out of the house and went to visit the Lincoln Memorial. There were fewer tourists at night, yet the buses were frequent enough, and she was within walking distance if she really had to walk. She felt a pleasant zing of rebellion at the thought of what her mother would say if she knew her fully deported and groomed daughter was on a DC bus in the middle of the night. It only spurred her on.

She had brought a book with her, a set of Shakespearean plays she knew was on the reading list for senior year, and she sat on the steps of the memorial and read under the dim, artistic lights of the display. There were still enough people around that she felt safe, and a security guard walked past every half an hour, but it was certainly quieter than New York.

CC had been ignoring her homesickness for three months, but as returning got closer the feelings of longing for the noise and bustle and her beautiful apartment were harder to suppress. If she had to listen to one more conversation about catering or designer-wear or what the neighbour's son did to his cousin, she was going to vomit. How did they think it was interesting? They only ever talked about poetry and Shakespeare for the sake of it, never to say anything of their own opinions. It wasn't like school at all. It was more like show and tell over tea and cookies.

If CC had learnt one thing on her trip it was how to fake it. Nobody wanted to talk about what she wanted to talk about; history and art and music. If she even mentioned music someone clicked their fingers, and within minutes Beethoven was being played on a nearby piano. Sure, the classics were good, the composers had been geniuses, but what about having some fun with it? Couldn't anyone play a good jig anymore?

Still, it was not as though CC could play the piano. She had studied ballet and singing, and had given them both up after a few years, when it became clear her father was never going to come and see her perform. So it was not as though she could provide any alternate entertainment, and she just had to stand there and be bored by the conversations about floral arrangements and the next fancy fundraiser.

CC could not wait to get back to school. At least she could focus on her studies, and then go home and do homework, and talk to Angie the maid about what she was learning while Angie sat there painting her for her latest art project. At least in Angie her father had finally found a domestic who CC could talk to without feeling like a rich kid, and Angie only ever interfered when she had to, which was never, or when CC asked her a question, which did happen on occasion. Still, they were a world apart and there were days when CC felt incredibly guilty for taking up so much of Angie's time.

But then Angie went home and CC had the house to herself overnight. She could watch whatever she wanted on the television and she was in total control of her bedtime and what she ate. Most of the time she ate dinners Angie prepared, but sometimes she would make her own and try new things. As long as the kitchen was cleaned it was okay with Angie.

Her mother would just die if she knew it, and so would her father, so CC never told them.

*

The night before she left, CC let herself into DD's room. DD was sitting up in bed, flipping through a teenage magazine.

"What are you doing?" CC asked.

"The quiz. Are you hot or cold in bed with him?" CC was aghast but at the same time instantly intrigued as to what her own result would be if she took the quiz. She knew that inside she was a passionate person, and her kiss with the waiter had only spurred on her imagination. Yet somehow she could not imagine her own little sister, so dainty and poised and perfect, yet so judgemental, ever being very 'hot' in bed. Nor could she imagine that of her mother, but she must have been, to cheat on her father with all those men, right? CC certainly did not want to turn into her mother in that way! CC Babcock was no tramp. She just didn't quite know how to be a lover. Nobody had loved her yet, but they would one day.

God willing.

"So I'm going home tomorrow."

"I know," DD said with a laugh. "I think mommy's a little relieved."

"I can tell daddy you said hello?"

"Don't bother."

"Do you want me to send you anything from New York? You could come and visit."

"Mommy wouldn't let me."

"You could go anyway? It's not very expensive."

"What, run away? CC!" DD stared at her with wide eyes and CC could only shrug.

"Well I'm going away to college after this year. I think I would like to study abroad for a bit, and then stay in a dorm. What do you think?"

"I think it's very obvious you've never gone to boarding school. You're lucky like that you know, being daddy's favourite." DD hesitated and watched CC carefully before continuing. "Can I ask you something? Is it true what mommy says?"

"What does she say?"

"That daddy loves you a little too much?"

"Huh?" DD just lifted her eyebrows and it took another minute for CC to comprehend what she was asking. She sucked in a breath and scampered off the bed. "Mommy says what?"

"I've heard her. She says she always thought he loved you too much and it's why she never took you."

"Maybe she just meant I was his favourite, because I can tell you right now the rest is totally a lie. Is that what people think?"

"Well when she says it, that's what it sounds like. I think she says it more to make him sound bad than you." CC scoffed.

"So stupid."

"Why?"

"She's only making herself look bad. If that's what people think, if they think daddy hurt me then all she's saying is that she thought it was happening and left me there anyway."

"Ooh," DD said, frowning. CC knew she didn't get it and was agreeing for the sake of it.

"I never want kids," she said. "Look at mommy and daddy. All they got was one hermit, one idiot and one screw up."

"Which one is Noel?" DD asked. CC rolled her eyes. Had either of them heard more than five words from Noel for the past year? He was home visiting her father while she was in DC being subjected to becoming a woman. CC would have much preferred to be at home with him, talking about books and racing around the park torturing one another. God, those were the days.

"Next time mommy says that about me, tell her very loudly it's not true okay?" CC asked.

"Why? It doesn't affect me." CC frowned as she watched her sister go back to her magazine.

"Are you really that selfish?"

"Well he's not my father."

"DD! Don't be such a bitch!"

"Me? You're the one who suddenly got so good at it this summer! Look who's talking?"

"I never said anything bad about daddy!"

"You said plenty about mommy though, and I don't appreciate it. Why don't you just go back to New York, put those breasts in someone else's face, and become the little slut daddy's groomed you as!"

CC's cheeks burned and she resisted the urge to cross her arms over her chest. She had to stop doing that. So what if she had breasts? She was a woman; they were there for a reason.

"You're just jealous because you don't even own a bra and nobody's ever kissed you!"

"You think that waiter kissed you because he liked you?" DD asked, laughing. CC's frown faltered. "A bunch of us were talking and when I told them you'd never had sex they all thought you were frigid, and my friend bet you were a good kisser because you're blonde, so we paid the waiter to go find out."

"What?" CC gasped. Her first kiss had been a bet? A fake kiss? He hadn't wanted her at all? But his hands had been all over her. He had touched her bare back!

"And guess what?" DD asked, smirking. "When he came back? Two thumbs down. Ba-baum." CC's anger prickled her skin and she put her hands on her hips, willing herself not to cry.

"You are the meanest, most selfish little bitch I ever met. I hope you rot in Hell!"

"Fine, go back to New York and go back to normal. It won't bother me!"

"Fine!" CC screamed, turning and storming out of DD's room. When she got back to the guest room she sat on the floor next to her suitcase, and wrapped her arms around her raised knees before she let herself cry.

How could she have been so stupid to think anyone who hardly knew her would want her? Seriously, she read magazines, she looked at the pictures. She could have been a model if she wasn't so curvy. She was pretty. What was wrong with everyone else? What did they see in her that she didn't know was there, that made her so unattractive? How could anyone think she was a bad kisser or frigid? She was only sixteen. That wasn't too old to have never had sex.

And what the hell did her little sister know about it? Was she more experienced than CC knew? Did she have her own secrets? Had she seen CC encroaching on her territory? She had nothing to worry about; CC hated Washington and wanted it to be daylight and time to leave more desperately than ever. She wanted to sit on her father's bed and inhale the smell of him and his long absence. She wanted her teddy bear and her records. She wanted her books and her college information booklets.

CC remembered something from her childhood as she sat on the floor. Something about her daddy liking little girls, a rumour even back then. It wasn't true. Well, it was, he did like little girls because he had spoilt her rotten when she was one, and as a teenager he had distanced himself, but he had never crossed any lines or made her uncomfortable. He was her daddy, and that was all. How could her mother spread around such horrible rumours? How could she think a man she had once loved would ever do that to his baby? CC knew that it happened, but not to her, not to their family. Her father was much more interested in the maids than in her. At least Angie was married and had a family. At least she was safe in that way. Who knew what her father got up to when he travelled, but the FBI wasn't breaking down the door so really her mother was just being vicious and mean and bitchy.

CC hated her for it. She hated DD for not questioning her. She hated them both for thinking that she wasn't good enough, for thinking they had somehow failed to make her into what they wanted her to be. Well, screw them. CC would show them. She would become rich and successful all by herself, and she would marry a handsome, smart man and have beautiful babies with him, and they would be happy forever and would never spread mean rumours about each other.

CC sighed as the invisible devil on her shoulder laughed and screamed, 'yeah right!'

She buried her head into her knees and cried, allowing herself to shake and her tears to dribble down to her lips and chin.

She did not think she could ever be what they wanted her to be. She wasn't sure she knew what that was anymore. Did they want her to be a lady, or did they want her to try to be a lady and fail? Did they want her to be a bitch, or did they want to wind her up until she cracked under the pressure of the conscience she knew was still inside her?

CC just wanted someone to hug her, to tell her that they didn't care if she wanted to slouch and put her feet on the table, to tell her she was beautiful and didn't need to change. Poorer people had to have it easier, didn't they? There were fewer expectations? Or maybe there were more, to marry up and all that nonsense. The grass was always greener, or so they said. CC enjoyed her wealth, she liked being rich, but she hated everything else that came with it, and she could not imagine having to fake it for the rest of her life.

She did not know who she was anymore. She knew that inside her there was passion, but for what and for who? She knew she never wanted to be like her mother, or her sister, but she would pretend to be like them for their sakes, to preserve the tenuous relationships, because without them she was practically an orphan, and one without a purpose in the world. She had no discernable talent, no single interest that eclipsed anything else.

Her only hope would be that in her final year of school she would find it, find something she wanted to do besides learning how to manage her finances. That was a condition of her gaining access to her millions, and she did not want to piss it all away like those white-trash lotto winners. She wanted to make her father proud of her investment and financial skills, but once she had learned that, what did she want to do for the rest of her life?

CC did not know what it was, but she knew it was not sitting around counting coins.

*

CC nearly fainted when she walked off the plane and saw her father standing at the back of the crowd. She had almost walked right past him, but when he grinned at her, her insides melted and she ran to him. She went to throw herself into his arms but then she remembered the rumours, and she realised she now looked much more like a maid than a little girl, especially dressed in her jeans and sweater.

"Oh daddy," she said, hugging him only briefly before pulling away. "I missed you so much!"

"I have time for lunch," he said, taking her carry-on bag from her and slinging her arm through his. "Then I need to be back here to head to Sweden. So what do you say I take you to my favourite five star restaurant on the harbour for a few hours, and drop you off at home? I'm assuming you have something a little less comfortable than denim in this bag?"

"Yes! I would love that!" CC said. "As long as I can put my elbows on the table and maybe use the wrong fork?" Her father laughed boldly as they walked to the baggage carousel.

"Fork yes, elbows...no." CC giggled and clutched at her father's arm. "So, how was it?"

"Three months of torture. They may as well have all sat around decorating bonnets!"

"I often thought that."

"I just don't fit in daddy."

"Yes you do," he assured her. "You will. You just need to find your niche." CC rolled her eyes. That was easier said than done.

*

CC watched Susanna sleeping soundly. Her five year old body was cutting off the circulation to CC's left leg and she shifted her around, stirring her in the process. It was morning, but Niles had not moved once during the night.

"Mommy?" Susanna asked on a whimper as she struggled to open her sleep-filled eyes. "Did I miss it? Did I miss the story about you and daddy?"

"No darling," she whispered in her baby's ear. "Mommy was just talking about herself and wallowing a little. Let's go home, get tidied and have something to eat, and then we can come back and sit with daddy some more." Susanna nodded and eased herself off the chair. CC stood and massaged her thigh, hoping to stave off pins and needles. She watched Susanna approach Niles and stroke her small hand down his rough cheek.

"Daddy's so handsome," she said, looking over her shoulder at CC. "Don't you think?"

"Yes I do," CC replied with a sigh. "Give him a kiss; we'll be back in a few hours." She watched Susanna peck Niles' cheek, and then she walked forward. Tears filled her eyes. She did not want to say goodbye, even for a few hours, but she had to be strong for her daughter.

CC let her fingers trail lightly over Niles' cheek. As she leant over, her hair fell over her ears and brushed his face. He did not stir or bat her away like he usually did. He did not reach up to tangle it in his hands and pull it back towards her head. CC's lips touched his in a chaste, still kiss. He did not respond. If it was not for the sound of his breathing and the electronic bleeping recording his heart it would have been so easy to imagine him dead.

"I'll be back," she promised him, her voice shaking as she pulled away just far enough to be able to look at his closed eyes, his fair lashes resting against his cheek. "I love you, you old bell boy," she whispered. Susanna had wrapped her hands around CC's hips and woollen sweater and was tugging on her with her head buried against the warm, soft material. CC could imagine her fear. She had felt fear at that age and knew what it was. It was not so different to the fear she felt as a forty-six year old woman.

There had been no change since she arrived; nurses had come in and out. The doctor's optimism she had revelled in had faded in just those few hours. CC knew Niles was drugged, but what if the doctor was wrong? What if he never woke up? He had changed her life, and she had not told him that enough. She hoped he could hear her talking to Susanna. If it was the last thing he ever heard, at least he would know his place with her. They would never be alone again.


	5. Chapter 5

FIVE

"Okay mommy," Susanna said early that afternoon once they were settled into the two chairs next to a resting Niles. In the brighter light of day Susanna had taken a great interest in the cast on Niles' leg and his other injuries. A part of CC felt bad for letting her daughter see her father with such a badly bruised face, but perhaps it was important for her to see that, to see him recover and to learn not to be afraid of scary sights in the world.

"Okay what?" she asked, her mind vague and preoccupied by thoughts of her daughter growing up far too fast.

"How did you meet daddy?" Susanna asked. CC sometimes marvelled at Susanna's attention span, or perhaps it was just that she had never heard the story before, and maybe she thought it was a bit like a fairytale, because while her little friends' mommies and daddies were fighting and getting divorced, she was spying on her own mommy and daddy making out on the living room couch like a pair of lovesick teenagers.

God, what she would not give for one more of those nights with Niles. A hundred more.

"Okay," she said, as Susanna folded herself up on the chair to be facing her mother. "When I finished high school and it was time to pick a college, I decided to spend my junior year abroad, and I went to Oxford University, which is in England. That was the very first time I met your daddy."

*

The lawn was filled with students at the college to view the outdoor Shakespeare review. CC settled herself on a hill far enough away so that she could still flick through her commerce texts, to prepare for her next exam. As the show began, she watched with one eye and read with another, and she soon became aware of a man coming towards her. He had walked from the dorms, and his own arms were filled with books. Without invitation, he plopped himself down beside her. How rude, she thought.

CC ignored him for a while, but that grew hard as he spread his texts, law texts, out around him in a neat semicircle. He had sandy blonde hair and fair skin, and he was a bit chunky without being too overweight. He was dressed very neatly, in slacks and a long sleeved business shirt rolled up to his elbows. He looked strong and calm. She was sure he could feel her watching him, he had literally sat down right beside her, but he didn't look at her and she could not remember ever seeing him around before. She was not sure what to do.

Maybe he just thought it was a convenient place to study, like she had?

"Catching up on some study?" she asked finally. He sighed and glanced at her.

"I am so behind." CC noticed his eyes immediately. They were blue, but a deeper more penetrating blue than hers. He offered her a tired smile, and she felt herself smile back.

"Join the club." He shook his head.

"Oh no. I've been helping with this production. I've already got two essays overdue."

"Are you first year?" she asked, glancing at the books. They looked advanced. If he was studying law, what was he doing helping out on a Shakespeare review for the college?

"No, next year is my final year."

"Well it's nearly here."

"Thank God," he mumbled. CC laughed. "What are you studying? You're a freshman?"

"Not for much longer! I'm studying business; economics and finance."

"Wow," he said, nodding at her appreciatively. "And I thought you were just another drama student. What are you doing out here?" CC shook her head.

"I like Shakespeare, it's a nice day. The only drama I ever did was in high school. You?"

"Same, and the odd singing lesson."

"Me too!" she said, excited she had found another person who took singing lessons but who wasn't on stage as though their life depended on it. "Why'd you stop?"

"Too expensive." CC pressed her lips together and nodded as though she understood. Money had never been her problem. "Do you like going to shows?" he asked.

"Um, what sort?"

"You know, West End? The musicals? Theatre?"

"I've never been." He gasped.

"Do you want to go sometime? I can get great tickets."

"Really?" she asked. CC wondered if it was a date. She had never been asked out on a date before, let alone by a total stranger. She had finally figured out the reason as well; her appearance was intimidating to men. They assumed she was experienced because she was attractive, or they weren't confident enough to ask out a woman taller than them. CC was desperate. She would go out with anyone. But she could not let them see that, otherwise she would only get a name for herself as that American freshman hussy at Oxford on exchange.

Yet she only had another month left before she would return to New York to complete her degree. What was the harm in having a little fun before then?

The young man in front of her did not look like a crazy person. He was explaining something about his friend being a theatre producer, some up-and-comer, yet he sounded less than enthused. She suspected it was because he had been roped into helping at rehearsals.

"I would love to," she said with a wide grin, answering his question and cutting off his drabble. She held out her hand for him to shake. "My name is CC."

"Niles." They shook hands and Niles shifted closer to her on the grass. CC's skin tingled. "So you like Shakespeare, you say?"

"Of course, but I always thought it would be better if there was more music to it. I like those movies that redo classics but use modern music in the soundtrack; something a bit funkier than boring old Mozart."

"You like music?" Niles asked. CC nodded. "Well I definitely have the show for you. Just don't tell Maxwell which one it is if I introduce you to him."

"Why not?" she asked. Niles smirked at her.

"Because it's not his." They both laughed, and after watching the play for an hour, when Niles took her hand and held it in his lap she did not pull away. At least if he did fail his exams, she thought, he would not be the only one.

*

CC knew something was changing inside her as she sat next to Niles and watched the show two weeks later, her very first West End production. They had pretty good seats, but it was the singing and dancing and the music from the pit that had picked her up and taken her to another world, a different place. She had not let go of Niles' hand for the whole show, and as they walked out of the theatre amidst the crowd CC could not help beaming.

She had worn a lot of nice clothes over the years but she did not have much in England; she had packed casually deliberately. Still, Niles' arm around her waist, over the top of her white, flowery blouse just above the cut of her jeans felt fantastic, and he was wearing a lovely suit that made him look so grownup. She had just gone to a musical with a twenty-five year old straight man, who was handsome and gentle and funny. He had a dry, witty sense of humour, and she had loved every minute of his company as well as the show.

"I think I'm converted," she gushed as they walked. "Musical theatre is my new God."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Niles said as they strolled along the footpath towards the car Niles had borrowed for the evening. CC's heart was thumping in her chest and her stomach was swimming with nerves and good feelings. She leant into him. She was a few inches taller in her heels but Niles had not mentioned it, which was a pleasant change from the usual men who eyed her from head to toe like she was some kind of hungry giant or bimbo trophy.

"You know what?" she said. "Let's walk a little more before we drive back." Niles nodded in silent agreement. "Where's good? I haven't come to London much this year." Niles glanced at her, surprised, and CC felt the need to explain. "Well it's just I'm kind of a loner, I haven't done much travelling."

"Would you like to see another show with me next weekend?"

"I would love to!" she said, grinning. "Can you really get these tickets cheap?"

"Absolutely. Maxwell is always getting tickets but he's so busy working on his own shows and trying to get a foot in the door with his business he rarely goes himself. He didn't believe me when I said I was taking a beautiful woman." CC tittered and felt herself blush. Niles stopped and turned to her, looking up into her eyes. "I mean it," he said. It was simple, and there was no real invitation there, but CC reached for his face and pulled him into a kiss before either of them could reconsider.

Niles was clearly stunned and did not move. CC felt his hands curl into fists at her back, as though he was afraid to touch her. Okay, so neither of them were very good kissers. She relaxed, intent on pulling away, but then something happened. As soon as she did relax, Niles sank into the kiss with her, and his lips pressed hers apart. They moved together as CC's hands trailed into his hair.

Oh, so that was how kissing was done, CC thought. When they parted, Niles took her hand and they returned to the car. CC was trembling, her lips felt swollen and wet, and there was a quivering inside her she recognised as arousal, though she had never felt it to such a degree. Niles opened the door for her and then shut it, before getting into the driver's seat. He turned to her, his blue eyes wide and hazy under the dim street lights.

"I'll take you home?" he asked. She nodded, speechless and out of breath.

*

The drive back to the college seemed to take forever, and it was the early hours of the morning before Niles and CC made it to her dorm room. She fiddled in her handbag for her key as he shifted his weight from side to side. Finally the door was open, and CC backed over the threshold, not wanting the night to end so suddenly. They had barely spoken since the kiss, and it seemed wrong somehow.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked. The meaning was clear. Niles' eyes went very wide.

"Your roommate-"

"I have a single."

"Who did you kill to get that?" he asked. CC laughed.

"Just good fortune and a small bribe." Niles sucked in a deep breath, but nodded. CC held her own breath as she stepped aside and let him in. She flicked on the light and locked the door, and she watched Niles take a look around her simple room, with its double bed and small desk piled high with a computer and a stack of books. The window looked out onto some bushes and the vacant lawn, and CC walked over to open it and let in some fresh air.

"This is a really nice room," Niles observed. CC nodded, and they approached each other filled with nerves and excitement. "I just want to kiss you again," he said. CC smiled, permission granted. The kiss was far more pliant than the stunted attempt outside the theatre, and CC was surprised to realise she was the one that pulled him to the bed and urged him to lie down. They clung to each other, exploring with shaking but eager fingers.

They kissed and whispered things to each other for a long time, until at some stage they fell asleep side by side on top of the covers, both fully clothed.

*

CC located Niles on their hill one evening on the last day of exams. Besides their weekend dates in London's West End they hardly saw each other on campus, always in different places cramming, and CC was spending a lot of her free time packing and organising her trip home and her return to New York University. She was dreading saying goodbye to him. They had gotten to know each other, and they'd been having so much fun.

"Niles!" she called, hurrying towards him. She had tied her blonde hair back and her ponytail flipped over her shoulder as she skidded to a stop, sitting down with a smile. "How did you go?" she asked. When he looked at her, she knew the answer would be bad. Her hand gravitated to his smooth cheek and she frowned. "What?" she asked. "Was it very hard?"

"I didn't sit it," he whispered. His voice shook and CC realised with a start that he was about to cry. She had never seen a man cry. What was she supposed to do?"

"Why not?" she asked, her voice quiet. Niles rolled his lips together.

"My father died this morning."

"What?" she asked, almost laughing at the sudden, unexpected nature of the news. "What happened?"

"He had a heart attack they think. He never woke up."

"Was he very old?"

"Fifty."

"Oh God," CC whispered, squeezing his knee. "I am so sorry Niles."

"I need to go back and...tidy things up."

"Are you an only child?" she asked. He nodded. "Maybe you can get special consideration for your subjects."

"Maybe," he whispered, digging his fingers into the grass and dirt in front of him. CC leant over and rested her chin on his shoulder. "I don't know what's going to happen now."

"No?" she asked.

"It's complicated. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think..." He laughed at himself and shook his head with his eyes closed. "Never mind. I just...I wanted to see you to tell you before I left. I'm leaving tonight." It was sooner than CC had prepared herself for.

She looked at him as tears filled her own eyes. Was this what it felt like for a heart to break? She wasn't sure, but it definitely hurt. They had only been dating three weeks but it felt like longer. CC had learned so much about herself in that time. She thought maybe she had found that niche her father was always going on about. This theatre business, she wanted in.

"Niles," she said, whispering. He shook his head and leant forward for a quick but sure kiss.

"I just wanted to say goodbye to you," he said. "I'm sorry we never got the chance to, well, I mean-"

"It's okay." CC knew they had put off doing anything too serious in her dorm room because she hadn't felt ready. She felt ready now, did that count? But she knew it would be too painful to then say goodbye. That would not be fair to either of them. "I had a wonderful time," she said. "Thank you for asking me out, and taking me to all those plays."

"What, all three?" he asked with a dry laugh. CC shrugged.

"Yeah," she whispered. Niles reached over and hugged her, and she rested her cheek along his shoulder. They sat that way for what felt like a long time, but then he unfolded himself and stood. He reached for her hand and pulled her to her feet also. "I'm so sorry about your father," she said. "I don't know what I would do myself. I hope everything is okay at home."

"Me too," he mumbled, staring at the ground. "I'll miss you every day, CC Babcock."

"If you're ever in New York," she said, trailing off with a hopeful smile. "You'll look me up?" He smiled at her and nodded, but there was a flicker of uncertainty in his blue eyes that hurt CC somewhere deep inside. She knew as they watched each other that he would never do that. She just did not understand why.

"Take care, Miss Babcock," he said, kissing the top of her hand and offering her a brief bow. CC watched him walk away. She could not help frowning at the memory of Jeremy saying goodbye to her in much the same way. But Niles was British. He was just polite that way. As his figure disappeared back into the college, CC missed him instantly and more keenly than she had ever missed anyone in her life.

She had finally taken a chance, gotten what she had always wanted, and she had lost it. It was an awful feeling. It wasn't fair at all. Why did she do it to herself? If that was what love was, then who would want it? Poor Niles, and his poor father, to die so young. But she knew his life would go on. There would be the funeral and the financial arrangements, but then Niles could return to Oxford and complete his degree, and then maybe, one day, he would travel to the United States, and she might get to feel his sweet touch once more.

*

"What happened then?" Susanna asked, leaning over her chair and hanging on CC's every word, though CC had been careful to edit out just how feverish their kissing had been, and just how close they had come to doing so much more. Susanna looked beautiful for her daddy in a pretty dress and blonde pigtails, and CC could not help but smile sadly.

"I came back to New York, Susie. Your daddy went home."

"But how did you end up married?"

"Well-" CC was interrupted by the ringing of the telephone, and she reached over to answer it while Susanna busied herself smoothing out the creases in Niles' blanket. "Hello?"

"CC, is that you?" The nasal voice sounded no different over the telephone than it did in person.

"Fran, hi," CC said with a sigh, relaxing back into her chair. "How did you find out?"

"Are you kidding? Tony Award winning Broadway producer CC Babcock's husband rushed to emergency? It made the news in Flushing, Val called me. How is Niles?"

"He's unconscious, he's resting. He had another scan today and there is some swelling on his brain, which is not what we wanted to hear, but we're still waiting for the most recent test results. All in all, it could have been much worse. He ran his car off the road."

"I heard, I heard," Fran said. "Is little Susie with you?"

"Yes, I didn't want to leave her. Niles would like it if she was here. How are you?"

"Oi, the twins are just a nightmare! You are so lucky you only had one. One at a time, that's how it should be! But we love them to death. Did you know Gracie got accepted to Yale?"

"Oh, that's wonderful news. Tell her congratulations."

"Miss Babcock says congratulations," Fran said, partly into the phone and partly, CC assumed, to a nearby Grace. She smiled at the realisation that Fran still called her 'Miss Babcock'. It seemed so unnecessary after everything that had happened between them. "Are you there?" Fran asked her.

"Yes, I'm here," CC said, reaching out with her free hand to brush some of Niles' hair away from his forehead. "I'll tell Niles you're thinking of him. Is Maxwell there?"

"Uh..."

"Never mind," CC said with a sigh. "I take that as a yes, but he doesn't want to talk to me."

"I tell you though Miss Babcock he is so very worried about Niles, but you know Maxwell, expressing it is another thing entirely!"

"Well we're hoping he wakes up soon, within the next few days. He's not on life support, he just needs some time."

"How are you coping?" Fran asked. CC sighed and shut her eyes against tears.

"I'm all right. Susanna's keeping me distracted with lots of stories, aren't you honey?"

"Ahuh!" Susanna said with a grin. CC wished she knew less about the world. Susanna might have been worried about her father but she looked far less terrified than CC felt. It did not help that Fran was chattering away into her ear about grief and being strong and poor old Niles' heart. It only confirmed for her that they all saw Niles as an old man, but he wasn't. He was too young to let a little angina ruin his life, and for years, he hadn't. It was just a silly accident, bad timing.

"It'll be okay," CC told Fran. "You know what a thick skull he has. It saved his life."

"Is there anyone you need us to call? Family or friends or anything?"

"No, no Fran, it's all taken care of. There's no family to call, I just had to make arrangements to keep Susanna out of school and keep the show preparations rolling. Three weeks from opening and this happens."

"I hear you're sold out – again!" Fran said, laughing into the phone. CC smiled.

"Yeah, it's great."

"I am never going to let Maxwell forget it!"

"How are you guys doing?"

"Oh good, good, another pilot's in the works and Maxwell wants to do these documentaries, so it's all stations go. The twins are at school so I finally have some peace and quiet! I tell you, some days I really appreciate Angelica coming over to help out." CC chuckled. She knew where Fran was coming from, but she would never subject her own daughter to that, no matter how tired or stressed she was. Actually, as she thought about it, she realised she had never been so tired or stressed for the thought to even enter her mind. Niles had always been there, helping her, keeping her calm and reassuring her they were doing a good job.

In actual fact, they had done a great job with Susanna. CC was grateful for the time Niles spent at home with them. She had a feeling that without him she would only start to screw it all up. After all it was genetic, wasn't it? There was a reason she had shied away from relationships, wasn't there? Her parents had screwed theirs up so royally, and she had witnessed it. Wasn't she bound then in some ways to repeat their mistakes? Just wonderful.

"Oh Fran, Fran, I have to go," she said as the doctor walked in. Thank God, it was about time. She gave her excuse and said goodbye, and then hurriedly stood to speak to the doctor. Susanna got off her chair and rifled through the large bag CC had brought back with them, retrieving her colouring book. "How is he?" CC asked the middle aged man.

"His test results look very positive," he replied. "I can't give you an indication of when he'll wake up, as I mentioned earlier the swelling is a concern to us but so far it's under control and we think it's stabilised. I'm expecting improvements over the next couple of days, and beside the head injury he's doing very well. You should go home, get some rest."

"We've been home," she assured him, deliberately not telling him it was only for a few hours. "Our daughter wanted to be with daddy today." The doctor nodded and smiled at the sight of Susanna colouring in with her book balanced on the bed in front of her.

"All right. Please try not to worry Ms Babcock. I have my fingers crossed for a full recovery!" CC smiled at him as he scribbled on Niles' chart and then left, but she was not sure she drew much confidence from a doctor who participated in the ancient art of finger crossing. She returned to Susanna and rubbed her back, crouching to look at her colouring.

"That's very good," she said. "Can I help?"

"No I want to do it," Susanna said. CC accepted that, and sat back in her chair. She leant forward and clasped her hands around Niles' limp hand, drawing it to her lips. She knew her impressionable daughter was watching when she asked in a soft voice if daddy was okay.

"He's getting better," she said, offering Susanna a bright smile. "He's just resting. When people get sick, sometimes they sleep a lot, because the body heals better asleep."

"So he's not going to die?" she asked. CC was not sure how to answer that. The truth, she supposed, was the best option.

"I hope not. Not for a long time yet." It was not as optimistic as Susanna had obviously expected, and she stopped colouring and climbed up into the chair with CC instead. CC gave her a hug and held her steady as she leant forward and kissed Niles' hand as well.

"So did you love daddy when you met him at college?" she asked. CC shook her head.

"No, there wasn't enough time to get to know each other well enough. But I liked him very, very much. I thought I might have loved him, but not at all like I do now."

"So what next?"

"I came back to America and finished university, and I never heard from him. I finished my degree with some theatre studies subjects tacked on, but I never managed to pursue it, because it always reminded me of Oxford and of Niles, so I stuck with my business degree. When I finished, daddy wanted me to get a job in a stock market firm, and mommy wanted me to start going to all the fancy parties so that I could find a boyfriend and then a husband."

"Rich ladies go to a lot of parties don't they?"

"They do."

"Why?"

"Because some of them don't do too much else. You know how mommy is very busy with her work in the theatre?" Susanna nodded. "Well most very rich mommies don't have jobs like I do, they do lots of fundraising for charity instead, or they go to country clubs and sit around talking with their friends. It can be a very leisurely life if you want it to be."

"How come you didn't?"

"Well, maybe this is bad of me to admit, but I was never very interested in charity work. I saw throwing money at a problem as a bit...stupid. It was never going to solve anything. Of course that's not the most humanitarian attitude, I know that, and some charities do a lot of important work, but mommy is not perfect, Susie. I preferred to work and earn money. I saw that as more productive, and I definitely did not want to go to any more boring parties!"

"But you go to them all the time," Susanna said. "When daddy's not working at them!"

"Yes I do. You see how you don't get everything you want?" CC grinned as Susanna giggled. "I have to go to them because part of my job is getting people to give money to my shows, and those are the people who have lots of money to give away."

"So you pretend to like the charities but you really want them to give you the money?"

"Ahuh," CC said, laughing at the confused, slightly unimpressed look on her daughter's small face.

"Mommy!"

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" CC asked, smirking. Susanna nodded. "When I finished university, my mommy wanted me to start being very social, and she began to take an interest in my life in a way she never had before. By then, I didn't want her in my life. We didn't have anything in common, and I was busy trying to work out how to tell daddy that I didn't want to be a stock broker, without him taking away the control of my money he had just given me as a graduation present."

"Was it a lot of money?"

"Yes," CC said in a whisper. "Lots of millions, but it's not important exactly how much. Anyway, I went to a few interviews to make daddy happy, and I did get a job as a junior in a firm for a little while, but I wasn't happy. I dated a few men and they all ended very badly. It seemed like suddenly everyone was watching me, everyone cared who I was and what I did, and all I wanted was to be overseas again where nobody knew who I was. So I went about a process of distancing myself from my family even more than I had before. I put on some weight, and I coloured my hair."

"What colour?"

"I thought if I had brown hair I would stand out less, and people would expect less of me. That wasn't true, of course, but having grown up with beautiful blonde hair like you, going brown made me feel less pretty, and I blended in better with the crowds and didn't stand out as much. I was tall, chubby and a brunette. I quit my job at the stock firm and took a job at an off-Broadway theatre as an usher, which is a person who helps people to their seats."

"Were your parents mad at you?"

"Oh yes, they were furious, but I very rarely spoke to them. It was my life and I wanted to do what I liked. I had spent all those years studying to manage my money, but I had not put very much time into studying to find a career I enjoyed."

"But you were working at a theatre and that's where you work now."

"Exactly. It was at that little theatre, as I was showing people to their seats, that I saw Maxwell's first play, the first one he ever produced in the United States."

"Was it famous?"

"No, it was awful!" CC said with a laugh. "But I remember seeing him in the audience, and I thought about producing, and how much like a business manager that job was, and I thought maybe I could try it. That way I would get to be involved in shows that I liked. I would get to have a hand in bringing people's dreams onto the stage. That appealed to me very much."

"Because of your dates with daddy?"

"Well, yes," CC said. "But not because of daddy. It was because I was drawn to the theatre, to the business. Your daddy simply opened that door for me, but I'm the one that walked through it."


	6. Chapter 6

SIX

"I watched Maxwell throughout the run of that show, and he was a very handsome young man. I knew he was from England, and he reminded me of Niles' friend."

"But he was daddy's friend?"

"I didn't know that at the time, because Niles never got the chance to introduce us, and I thought Maxwell was a common British name. I just thought it was a sign that I was in the right place at the right time. So one day I got his contact details from the theatre and I sent him a letter and resume, asking if he needed any secretarial services. He called me to come over for an interview. And when I knocked on the door guess who opened it for me?"

"Daddy!" Susanna sounded far more excited than CC had been.

"I didn't know he was a butler."

*

The stunned look on Niles' face when he saw CC standing on the other side of the door was mirrored by the breathless look on her own. She watched his eyes trail from her chocolate brown hair, over her plump features. He still recognised her and she was instantly embarrassed. She patted herself down. How had she let herself get so out of shape?

"CC?" Niles asked. "How did you, what are you-" CC figured it out a second before he seemed to.

"Maxwell Sheffield," she said. "Your friend, Maxwell, it's, you're-"

"We came out last year," he said. "And you?"

"I'm an usher at the theatre. I'm here for-"

"The interview," Niles said, finishing her sentence without missing a beat. "Wow, you look...different."

"Oh spare me," she said with a smirk. "I look like Hell. You look...very smart. Why are you wearing a suit? Are you working in a law firm here now?" Niles smoothed his hands down his front and his lips turned up in the corners at the same time as his eyes hit her shoes.

"I, well, I..."

"Niles!" Maxwell shouted, walking into the room. "Is this girl here yet? I have-" He stopped in the living room and CC looked between the two men. She felt Maxwell's eyes on her. "Ah, Miss Babcock?" he asked, striding forward. CC shook his hand firmly and smiled.

"Yes, Mr Sheffield, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"You come highly qualified. What are you doing offering to be my assistant?"

"I love the theatre. Actually, Niles and I-" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Niles press his lips together and shake his head, behind Maxwell's line of sight. Maxwell lifted his dark eyebrows.

"Yes? You and Niles know each other?"

"No, no we just met. I was going to say that Niles was just talking to me about your most recent show. It's wonderful."

"Ah, thank you, thank you." CC was glad she still had the ability to fake it.

"I would really like to learn about the business. I have a good head on my shoulders, and I don't mind doing the dirty work."

"Mm, yes okay, I do need someone to manage my diary."

"Sir," Niles said, surprising CC with his formality. "Miss Babcock is the daughter of Stuart Babcock and BB King."

"Who?" Maxwell asked. CC's skin crawled at Niles' knowledge of who she was. Had he looked her up after all?

"She has grown up on Park Avenue, Sir, and has a number of connections. Perhaps her time would be better spent assisting you with the investors, many of whom would know her." Maxwell seemed to hear what Niles was not saying, that CC was society blood and that she could introduce him, and he appraised her again with an expression of disbelief on his handsome face. CC stood still, trying to work out what was going on.

"Ah, right, very good Niles," Maxwell said. "CC, may I call you CC?"

"Of course," she said with a nod.

"I'd like to hire you on a trial basis. Two weeks. Ten dollars an hour. What do you say?"

"Accepted," she said quickly, reaching out to shake his hand.

"Good," he assured her. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a meeting. Niles will show you the office you'll be sharing with me. We have a dinner with potential backers tomorrow night. Do try to find something...formal, to wear."

CC had a lot of formal wear hanging in her closest, just nothing that would fit her. It was as though Maxwell knew that and was sending a little unspoken message of his own, and CC felt her cheeks blush with embarrassment. She was joining a gym as soon as she left.

Maxwell left her alone with Niles, and as the front door shut she turned to him, frowning.

"He has a date," Niles began with a smirk. "I'll show you to the office. I hope you don't mind me speaking out of turn about your situation. I think perhaps you will be better with the investors than Mr Sheffield."

"Why do you call him Sir and Mr Sheffield?" CC asked as she followed him across the room. "Isn't he your friend Maxwell from college?"

"I'm his Butler." CC stopped in her tracks and frowned at him with her hands on her hips.

"What?" she asked. She wanted to laugh, but she saw the guarded reservation in Niles' blue eyes. He was preparing to argue his way out of the conversation if he had to. She softened, and bit her bottom lip. "You're a butler? But you're a lawyer!" He shook his head.

"I never finished. I left, that year you left. My father was Maxwell's father's butler. When my father died I was required to...be formally trained. I was accepted into service in time to accompany Mr Sheffield to New York."

"Oh my God," CC whispered, staring at him with wide eyes. She felt instant pity, but she tried to hide it. She did not think Niles would appreciate pity at all.

"I did look you up. I'm sure my knowledge of your family gave me away. But when I realised...how incredibly wealthy you were, Miss Babcock, I couldn't bring myself to find you." CC bristled and squared her shoulders.

"You think that little of me?" she asked, arching a still-golden eyebrow. She was going to a hairdresser that night as well. "You think I wouldn't talk to you again because you're a butler? Niles! I missed you!"

"I missed you too," he whispered, looking at the ground. CC felt tears sting her eyes. This was horrible! The one real friend she had ever had, had thrown away his law degree to serve people drinks and to be shouted at! Had she read him all wrong?

"What happened to law?" she asked.

"My duty was more important," he said, glancing up at her. "My tuition at Oxford was paid for by the Sheffield family. I had been there four years already. When my father died-"

"What about a scholarship?"

"On my marks?" he asked with a laugh. "Granted, I would have done much better had I not been traipsing around after Mr Sheffield, curing him of his hangovers and writing his studies for him, but that was, for the most part, why I was there."

"Oh Niles," CC whispered. She reached out for him but he took a step back and looked over his shoulder. "You can't even look at me, can you?" she asked.

"I'm sorry Miss Babcock," he said.

"You can't even call me CC?"

"That wouldn't be proper now that you're working for Mr Sheffield."

"If I'd known-"

"You'll be good for this place."

"Is it just the two of you?"

"Yes, although sometimes Mr Sheffield's girlfriend, Sara, stays over. She's a lovely woman."

"Is she nice to you?" CC asked. Niles met her eyes once more, and CC reached out to clasp his wrist, holding him in place. "Is he nice to you?"

"Yes," he said. CC found that hard to believe but she wanted it desperately to be true. "How are you?" he asked. "You coloured your hair?"

"Just trying to figure some things out," she admitted.

"I like it better blonde." There was a flicker of amusement in his eyes and CC smiled.

"Me too. So um, how does this work?"

"How does what work?" Niles asked, raising his fair eyebrows. CC threw her arms out at her sides to gesture around the apartment. "You mean does he use a bell or a whistle?"

"I guess."

"Usually it's just, 'Niles!'" he said, chuckling to himself after mimicking what CC guessed was Maxwell's usual tone. "But you get used to it. In a way, it's better than a bell."

"Bells are for animals."

"Agreed."

"How come you didn't want him to know we knew each other?"

"What I did in college is not high on Mr Sheffield's list of priorities, and I like to keep my private business just that. I know it is not my place to ask you to lie, Miss Babcock, but perhaps if we just do not tell him, it is not so bad."

"I think I can manage that," CC said, reaching out to shake his hand.

*

CC listened as Maxwell stuffed around with the investors over dinner. She did not know the Hartwell's directly, but they knew of each other. They were her father's generation, and perhaps for that reason she could see where Maxwell was going wrong. She waited until there was an opening in the conversation and then she slipped herself in, quietly directing the conversation to the Hartwell's recent business success, slipping in comments about the show amidst subtle compliments. Whenever she glanced at Maxwell he looked stunned, but when he left with a very large cheque in his pocket he looked ecstatic.

"CC, you're a find!" he said with a laugh as they left arm in arm. "How did you do that?"

"Let's just say all those years of watching those types talk about themselves finally paid off," she said. Maxwell laughed.

"You are a catch. I love what you've done with your hair. It looks so natural!" CC did not bother to correct him. He had never met her at Oxford. He probably thought she was a brunette who had gone blonde, and not the other way around. When her true colour grew back, there would be hardly any difference; her hairdresser had done a wonderful job. Which CC was thankful for considering the woman nearly had a heart attack when she saw what CC had done to her hair. A superb recovery had been achieved, and worth every penny.

"So is this money for your next show?"

"Yes, I think it's going to be just wonderful! I'm finally getting a name for myself here. Casting agencies are actually taking my calls. Tell me, was Niles right about you? You grew up in New York?"

"Yes I did."

"And you're wealthy?" he asked. CC laughed, deep in her throat.

"Yes, I am." She still liked saying it. She glanced at Maxwell. "But I'm not going to invest all my money in your shows."

"Oh?"

"It's not like you invest your money!" CC was taking a gamble with this, but it paid off when Maxwell laughed.

"How did you know I have any?"

"What, money?" she asked. "Did you not notice that you had a butler? What else would I have thought?" Maxwell laughed when he realised his oversight.

"Of course, of course. You know I'd love for you to meet my girlfriend Sara. I think the two of you would get on fabulously!"

"Is she from New York?"

"No, she's originally from Los Angeles. I met her in England only briefly, and when I came here I discovered she was attending graduate school right here in New York. What a coincidence, don't you think?" CC nodded. She could not help thinking about her own coincidence, and the similarities between the two stories.

She had thought about Niles on and off for years, always wondering what might have happened, and it saddened her to realise that now she knew. Nothing. He would have gone off and become a butler, and she never would have seen him again anyway. A part of her hated that, hated him for sinking so low to other people's expectations. At least she was chasing her dream, trying to find a place in the world she could love. What was he doing? What had he done? Didn't he realise that the days of following in parents' footsteps had long disappeared? How could he have thrown away all those prospects to clean up after a man who CC already knew was only half as intelligent!

How could he expect himself to do that for the rest of his life? Until the day he died? How could they ever find a way to be friends, when he couldn't even call her CC?

Miss Babcock.

It just wasn't right, and the warm familiarity in the way he said it only went so far to reassuring her that it could work. The truth was that it couldn't work. He had chosen a different path. Maybe he was not as smart as she had always thought.

*

As Maxwell Sheffield Productions achieved a few small successes, the extra kilograms CC had piled on to find herself were shed, but she hardly noticed until one night when she arrived in her evening gown to pick Maxwell up for their dinner. Niles opened the door, took one look at her with raised eyebrows, and then met her eyes.

"Looking good Babcock," he said with only a tiny hint of a smile. CC smiled freely.

They never said much to each other, CC never let them be alone for long enough for a conversation to start, and in reality, what was there to say? What could they talk about? She spent her day pouring over figures and schmoozing two-faced investors on the phones and at restaurants, and he spent his days, what, cleaning? Buying flowers for Maxwell to send to his girlfriend? Whatever they'd had in common in their youth had been buried beneath their careers, and they weren't due to intersect.

"Is he ready?" she asked, holding a hand to her trim abdomen and looking around.

"He is, and he's in a very good mood."

"Oh?"

"He proposed to Miss Sara and she has accepted." CC's eyes went wide and her stomach wrung inside her.

"They're getting married?" Niles nodded, doing his best to politely muffle his obvious pleasure. Maybe he thought if they got married he would have less work to do. CC knew how these situations worked, and she highly doubted it. Then again, she was sure Niles knew how it worked too. He probably came from a long line of butlers.

"Ah, CC!" Maxwell announced, hurrying down the stairs towards her.

"Hello," she said, taking a step inside. "I hear congratulations are in order."

"Niles," Maxwell said with a sigh. Niles shrugged, his face all innocence. CC smirked.

"Oh Maxwell, surely Niles can pass on something so exciting. When can I meet her?"

"Tonight," he said. "She's coming with us." CC was taken aback. Maxwell had invited his fiancé to a meeting between the director and the writer? They were the production team, for goodness sakes, it wasn't a normal Saturday night dinner. "Come on Sara!" Maxwell called up the stairs. CC lifted her eyes, realising she was already there.

"Sorry, sorry," Sara said. CC watched a slim, blonde woman in a beautiful blue evening gown hurry down the stairs, clutching a matching purse. When she saw CC, her eyes lit up. "Oh you must be CC!" CC nodded and smiled, but could not shake the uncomfortable feeling that had taken up residence inside her. "It is so wonderful to finally meet you!"

"And you," CC said, allowing the woman to hug her. "Congratulations," she added, gesturing to the diamond ring on Sara's left hand. The young woman blushed and raised her hands to her cheeks.

"Thank you. Oh it was such a surprise!" CC lifted her eyebrows. Sara seemed lovely, and sweet, and down to earth. She should have been a person who CC got along with, but CC could not help feeling jealous. What did young Sara have that CC didn't? CC was taller and had regained her killer figure, and yet Sara was the one getting married. Another fun, petite little woman loved by a handsome, powerful man. Life just simply was not fair.

"Come on ladies," Maxwell said. "We have business to do." CC immediately resented the insinuation that her mind was not on the job at hand. On the contrary, it seemed that Maxwell was the one who would need reminding, with his fiancée by his side. God!

"Oh Niles could you get my coat?" Sara asked. CC turned and her blue eyes flashed with nothing short of rage as she watched Niles tip his head and walk a full two metres to the coat rack. Sara turned and let Niles ease the coat up her arms. CC felt herself beginning to hyperventilate.

How dare she? It was one thing for a guest to expect that much, but Sara was going to be his boss soon enough. Anything she wanted, Maxwell or Niles would get for her. The coat rack was two strides away, why couldn't she get it herself? Surely she had been taught how to get dressed when she was a little girl. Surely that dress did not magically attach itself to her body. Why couldn't she get her own rotten coat?

Calm down CC, she told herself. Sara turned back to smile at her and CC returned the smile, fake of course.

"I just love having Niles here. He is so good to Maxwell, don't you think?"

"Oh yes," CC said, nodding. She glanced at Niles but saw him look away. "He would do anything for Maxwell. Wouldn't you Niles?" Niles must have heard the sickly-sweet falsity in her voice. After all, he had given up his dreams for Maxwell. He had changed his life for Maxwell. He had become a servant...to Maxwell.

She knew she had upset him by the flicker of distrust in his eyes. It made her sick to see that look directed at her, but what was she supposed to do? She was mad at him for not standing up for himself! Had his father's death caused him such pain he lost himself? He had given up way more than anyone realised, and Maxwell probably didn't even care, so long as his shoes were shiny and his pillows plump. How could Niles have let it happen?

"Better him than you," Niles said. The tone was dry, it was a direct attack, and yet CC knew that voice, she knew there was humour in it, and perhaps regret. But there were no more apologies. The line was drawn between them. CC shivered. Fine, if that was how it was going to be, then he could just stay a butler forever! She would set her sights on finding a man who did have balls, one who knew how to give instructions and deflect orders. One more handsome and more successful than Niles would ever be.

A man, perhaps, like Maxwell.

*

"Don't cry, mommy," Susanna whispered as she reached up and helped CC brush the tears off her cheeks. CC had been such a fool. She knew a lot of what she was saying was going straight over the top of her daughter's head, but one day she hoped Susanna would look back and take a minute to comprehend what it all meant. She had been too stubborn for her own good, they both had been, and yet if she got the chance to do it all again CC did not think she would be any more brave, or that she would have done anything differently.

It was all a part of who they were. It was her life. It just made her sad to look back on those moments and realise just how important they were. What if one of them, just one part of her life, had ended differently? How would it have changed everything? Maybe she never would have gone to study overseas. Perhaps she never would have met them.

There was no point playing that what-if game with the daughter she would never trade for all the second chances in the world in her arms, but it was a hard game to resist playing.

"What happened to Fran?" Susanna asked. "I don't know who Sara is."

"Sara is Maggie and Brighton and Gracie's mommy," CC said, bouncing Susanna gently on her lap. "Maxwell married her, and they had children, but then she got very sick when Gracie was still a baby, and she died."

"Oh," Susanna whispered, glancing at her father. "Like daddy?"

"No honey. She got something called cancer, it's a sickness, and it's different to what's wrong with daddy. It's much harder to fix."

"What happened then?"

"Maxwell hired nannies for the children. You remember how I told you about my nannies?" Susanna nodded.

"You didn't like them."

"That's right. But they allowed Maxwell to continue working, though he was very sad for a long time, and for nearly a year I did most of the work."

"What about daddy?"

"Daddy was there. He was very sad too. He liked Sara very much. She was a very nice woman and even though I didn't like the way she expected things of Niles, she always made him feel very welcome in the home, and me too."

"I don't want you to ever die. It sounds scary."

"I'm not going anywhere for a long time," CC promised. "Ask your daddy when he wakes up. I'm like radioactive waste; I just hang around for years and years. You have nothing to worry about sweetheart."

"Is that when Fran came?"

"After a few years, yes, Fran became the nanny. It got very interesting then."

"Why?"

"Well, I quite liked Uncle Max, but he liked Fran. Your daddy also liked Fran. They would share secrets and talk and joke with each other, because he was the butler and she was the nanny; they were both domestics and had that bond of being seen as a lower class."

"But daddy's very smart."

"Yes I know. He knew that I liked Maxwell, but he didn't want me to have him. He wanted Maxwell to fall in love with Fran, and I loved making fun of him for being a butler."

"Why?"

"Because I knew that he had chosen that profession because he felt he had to, and I was still angry at him, and I just loved to rub it in his face that I was better than him."

"Mommy, that's very mean," Susanna said. CC chuckled.

"I know, but he was very mean to me as well. In fact he was even meaner to me than I was to him."

"No," she said in disbelief, shaking her head. CC nodded.

"He was too. You ask him."

"Did you like Fran?"

"Not at first. She came from Queens, which is a very different part of New York. She didn't go to the same types of schools, she wasn't very smart, and she dressed in very skimpy clothes that I found very offensive."

"Because she was prettier than you?"

"Did daddy tell you to say that?" CC asked, poking Susanna in the ribs until she giggled. "To be honest, sometimes I felt that way, but it was more that, well, I think it's important that young ladies dress conservatively, and you can still be beautiful and elegant. Fran was very showy, she liked to wear a lot of sparkles and bright colours, and she liked showing off for Maxwell. I didn't like that she was trying to make him fall in love with her, when I thought he should have been falling in love with me."

"Oh," Susanna said, even though CC knew she could not understand it all. "Did daddy love you then?"

"Yes, he did," CC whispered, reaching out for Niles' hand. "But I didn't know it, or at least...I didn't want to think about it. I was focussed on work and Maxwell. We were not as successful as I had once hoped we would become, and we had more bad shows than good ones. It only made me want to try harder, but Maxwell was forever being distracted by Fran, and Niles was only encouraging it. It made me even madder at him."

"But he didn't want you to be with Maxwell because he loved you?"

"That's right."

"Is it like how they say when boys tease girls it means they like them? I heard it at school and I know it's true because you and daddy tease each other all the time."

"Yes that's exactly it," CC said, chuckling. "But as the years went on, it was like Oxford never happened, and we forgot that once upon a time we had been close. We began to drift apart, and the teasing got meaner and more personal, and yet, sometimes, I could see it, a reflection of what it had once been like... When Maxwell married Fran, I was very upset, but your daddy helped me in his own way. He made sure I got the right sort of help, and he made sure I came back and continued working."

"Did you get sick?"

"Yes, a little bit sick," she said, stroking Susanna's pigtails. "I was very upset because the one man I thought who might love me had married someone else."

"But wasn't work the most important bit?"

"I used to tell myself that," CC said with a whisper. "But I wasn't being honest with myself. Underneath it all, I just wanted someone to love me, same as Fran, and her friend Val, and Maxwell and your daddy. We all just had different expectations about whether that would be possible, and how to go about finding it. When you grow up, you'll understand. Nothing's changed."

"And daddy took care of you?"

"Yes. Do you remember when you got chicken pox last year, and daddy made lots and lots of jokes whenever he sat with you or brought you medicine?" Susanna nodded. "That's a bit like how he helped me. He tried to keep my spirits up by teasing me like usual, and eventually we sank back into old habits, and the fact Maxwell was married to Fran didn't matter as much. We had our own routine and I clung onto that. He knew I needed it."

"If you and daddy had been nice to each other from the start, would you have got married sooner and had more babies?"

"Maybe," CC admitted. "But my life would have been very different. I might not have been the same person. Your daddy might have gone into law or show business and he might have become more like my daddy, never around. Lots of things could be different." Susanna nodded.

"I like how it is now," she said, nodding. CC pressed a kiss to the part on top of Susanna's head and nodded.

"Me too."


	7. Chapter 7

SEVEN

"So how did you find out that daddy loved you?" Susanna asked that evening as CC tucked her into her own bed. They would return to the hospital the next day once more, but her baby needed the comforts of home, and so did CC. They had ordered a pizza and eaten ice cream, and CC did not blame Susanna for being so awake as a result of all that nasty food. She climbed into bed with her daughter and wrapped her up in her arms.

"I worked for Maxwell for more than fifteen years. Your daddy didn't tell me how he felt for so long that when he did...I didn't believe him, and I didn't want to hear it. I needed time to learn how to love him."

*

CC could not believe it. What was wrong with the man? How could he want to marry her? What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she do anything about this gnawing ache inside her and the way she shivered when she thought back to the desperate look in his eyes?

How could he ever expect her to marry him? He hadn't even said 'I love you'. They hadn't even kissed since the night of Maxwell and Nanny Fine's wedding, and even that memory was blurred by the amount of alcohol she had consumed that day. How could Niles ever think that she would marry him after so many years of pretending there had never been anything between them?

There had been something between them, once, but he was the one that had asked her not to mention it, not to talk about it. And she had done that, hadn't she? She had done it really, really well. So well in fact that she barely remembered that month in Oxford herself.

What was so wrong in telling him no? They hadn't dated. He couldn't love her. He had to be closer to hate than love, surely, the way he had treated her over the years! She had never done anything so bad to him. Okay, she had tried and maybe she just didn't have the same mean streak in her, but did that mean she deserved to be further humiliated?

And then she had tried to apologise, she hadn't wanted to lose her job, and she had screwed that up too. Hadn't she told DD once that she was a screw up? Not much had changed.

CC had never seen Niles so furious, as he denounced her position in the Sheffield house and told her exactly what he thought of her, where he saw her heading. How could he love her with those words in his heart?

CC had no choice but to resign, but as she sat at home with Chester bundled in her lap she realised she had no plan for what to do next. She didn't want to be done with the theatre, she and Maxwell had been working so hard on the pilot of their sitcom, and she liked her job. It challenged her and kept her busy. She had even grown accustomed to Nanny Fine. They'd had some good times. CC had really done her best to bond with the woman, but they were so completely different that it was just hard.

Didn't Maxwell see that? Couldn't he see how different they were? They came from different worlds. CC could let herself loosen up, but only in certain situations lest anyone with money saw her, because those people expected her to be proper, and she expected them to hand her money so that they could bankroll their shows. If they saw her dancing around with Val at single's clubs, well, business was doomed.

Was Maxwell so blind that he really didn't understand? CC knew that at least Niles understood. There had been times where he had tried to help, where he had nudged her to have more fun. The few times he had escorted her to awards and dinners he had always asked her to dance, and he was such a beautiful dancer. His talents really had been wasted in that house.

She remembered the time they had both accidentally gone on the same vacation. CC had always wondered how coincidental that meeting had been. He was the one who had recognised her, after all. After the shock of seeing each other on the dance floor had worn off, Niles had cut in, and they had danced to calypso music and sipped cocktails long into the night.

There had been a kiss that night; deep and heated and spurred on by alcohol. Yet in the morning nothing had changed, it was as though it hadn't happened, and Niles went back to his stuffy old self, preferring to tell her she looked like a man rather than to sit down and talk with her, maybe even hold her hand.

If he had done that, CC might have caved. At least she would have known!

There had been so many nights where all she had wanted was a man's hand to hold, some company other than that of her fluffy dog. She knew it went against everything her father had taught her, and it fulfilled her mother's expectations to a point that did not make CC very happy at all, so she had pushed those desires away. Besides, they never came to her. The few men she dated dropped her as soon as it got serious.

Niles was right. If she did nothing she would end up a bitter old maid with no family, no life; just a lot of money. She would turn into one of 'those' women, the ones that didn't belong in any circle. CC had never needed a lot of friends, but it was hard being alone. She understood why her father had sought the companionship of women over the years. She wanted a man, and to get one perhaps she really did need to take a chance.

What if he did love her? What if he had loved her since he met her, and she walked away?

If that was true, CC knew she had gone a long way to breaking Niles' heart. She could not let him leave without apologising, without trying to explain herself. She could not let him leave without trying to understand what had happened between them.

Why had things had to change? What had gone wrong between them to make him suddenly start asking for her hand in marriage? She had resisted getting married as a young woman, and as one approaching middle-age the idea seemed no more appealing, but for the fact that some male companionship would not go astray. If it was genuine, that was, because CC would put up with no less.

*

The Sheffield house was dark as CC used her key to enter through the back door. She rarely came in through the back, but it was further away from the bedrooms upstairs and it was less hassle; the security lights did not come on and there would be less chance of waking everyone else up. She had in her hands her letter of resignation for Maxwell, and she would leave it on his desk and then go in search of Niles. She had a vague idea of where his room was, though she had not been upstairs for some time.

CC was stunned when she saw Niles backlit by the light of the open fridge. He did not turn around as she entered, but when she shut and locked the door he spoke.

"What do you want?"

"How did you know it was me?" CC asked. He only scoffed and shut the fridge door. His hands were empty when he turned.

"I think you should go."

"I just came to leave my letter of resignation."

"Oh, good," he said, not visibly reacting to the news that she had resigned as well. CC bit her bottom lip.

"And I wanted to talk to you."

"I don't feel like it," he snapped, heading for the back stairs.

"Niles, wait!" CC called. There was enough urgency in her voice to stop him, and he turned around. "Just help me understand," she said, taking a step towards him. "Please. I don't understand."

"You don't understand that you've wasted the best years of your life pining after the wrong man? You're not as smart as I thought, Babcock."

"No Niles," she said. "I don't understand why you want to marry me." Hesitation flickered in his eyes beneath the dim light between them, and the hairs on CC's arms stood on end as he took a small step closer to her.

"Why does any man want to marry any woman?" he asked.

"That's not what I'm asking."

"Miss Babcock."

"That's not my name, dammit!" She could not help her anger or the tears in her eyes. She hated being called Miss Babcock, didn't he know that?

"CC," he said. CC could not remember him saying her name quite like that since those days in England. She held her breath. "I..."

"Say it," she hissed when he faltered. Niles seemed to gather himself, and he shook his head.

"No. You've made it quite clear how you feel. The past is in the past. It's time to move on. I'm going to-"

"Don't you dare walk away from me," CC said, neither of them moving an inch. Her eyes were wide and glared at him. Her face was hot. "I want to know why you suddenly broke the rules, the agreement we had. What changed?"

"What changed?" Niles asked. "Miss Babcock, look around you. Everything has changed. I only want...it's selfish, I suppose...Mr Sheffield has his happiness, and now I want mine."

"Is that the rule? You can't be happy until your master is satisfied?"

"That's not the rule, but they're nicer to you if they think you have no life."

"That's not necessarily true," CC said. Niles shrugged. It was clearly his experience.

"I had to wait," he said. "Until you could see that, well...until you could see that Mr Sheffield could never love you the way you wanted. I didn't want you to think it was just another way for me to try to push the two of them together by distracting you. I wanted you to know...I was serious."

"I think I knew that the first time you asked me." CC's voice shook as she admitted what she had so far failed to admit to herself.

"I'm sorry," Niles said. "I'm sorry it's all I've been able to say. I'm not good at relationships. I haven't had one in so very long."

"How long?"

"The odd, rare one night stand aside, Miss Babcock, do you really not know?" CC panicked when she realised what he was saying. Her mind searched for an alternative.

"What about, oh, oh, Maxwell's old nanny!"

"One night stand," he said.

"No, no, not when she came to visit, when she was his nanny!"

"Oh," he said with a whisper. "I was a boy, a teenager. I was twenty-five when I met you."

"I'm the last relationship you ever had?" CC asked, her eyes filling with fresh tears. Three weeks, it had lasted. That poor man. Then again, how much better had she ever managed? A week or two on top of that? They were a pair; she could not deny it. "Don't you think you should be with a woman who knows what she's doing? You know how I am with men."

"How are you with men?" Niles asked. CC sighed, shaking her head and throwing her arms down by her sides. "No jokes," he said. "I promise."

"I don't know, I don't know how to look after them, I'm too clingy or too distant. I've never, I mean I've had sex but it's never been very good, or at least I haven't thought so. I never enjoyed it, and I just gush like some schoolgirl before I panic! Niles, I don't know how to handle a boyfriend. What makes you think I can handle a marriage?"

"Not even with a man who would worship you?"

"No man has ever worshipped me," she said. "Not even my father."

"Miss Babcock-"

"That's not my name," she said, cutting him off. "It's, well...if I tell you this, and you laugh-"

"CC, I meant what I said, no jokes, but I know your name."

"No you don't, no one does." Niles stopped mid-laugh when he realised what she was saying.

"You mean...those letters...are an abbreviation?" CC nodded. "Does Mr Sheffield know?" She shook her head. "Tell me." His eyes searched hers in the dark. "I won't say a word." She just stood there breathing for a long time. In the end, she had to follow through. She owed him. She wanted him to know her secret.

"My name is Chastity Claire," she whispered as a tear trickled onto her cheek. She had not heard or spoken those words in so very long. She listened to Niles breathing somewhere in front of her, but she could not look at him.

Suddenly he was directly in front of her, she could feel him there and smell his clean, masculine smell, and he touched her cheek with his fingertips. Her eyes met his. She was not in heels; they were eye to eye.

"Chastity Claire," he repeated, with no question in his voice. "That's beautiful."

"I never thought so."

"No?" he asked. She shook her head. She stood still as Niles picked up one of her hands and began laying kisses up and down her forearm, starting and finishing on her knuckles. CC felt like crying. The last time any man had kissed her arm like that had been some sick, disgusting French man. Even the boyfriends she'd had in between had been preoccupied with the more obvious places to bestow kisses. A painful hickey on her collar was one thing, a shivering arm full of warm kisses was entirely another.

"Niles," she whispered, her voice shaking. "Please."

"You want to know why I want to marry you?" he asked. She shut her eyes and nodded, but Niles did not speak, and he stroked her cheek until she opened her eyes and looked into his. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much I can't hide it anymore. I had to do something. It was making me sick watching you hurting yourself, watching you alone, and then with other men. All I ever wanted was for you to see me...as more than just a domestic. A long time ago I resigned myself to the fact that you never would, but I couldn't just give up. And when I went to speak all that came out was the proposal. I'm so sorry if I scared you, but I've never been in love before, and I was just so desperate for you to know."

"No one's-"

"I know," he said, cutting her off. "God knows I've reminded you enough times over the years." CC allowed herself to smirk when she saw him smile, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "But that doesn't matter to me. I've dreamed, since I was a young man, of making love to you. And I am so sorry that no one's ever felt enough for you to treat you properly. I would never hurt you CC. I would never just use you and then dump you when I've had enough. I can't imagine ever having enough." CC's breath stopped when he stepped closer to her still. She felt her chest lightly touch his, and she raked in a nauseous sob.

"I need some air," she hissed. Niles left her side and she found herself holding onto the bench for no more than a few seconds. When he pushed her down into a chair she took his word for it that there was one there. Soon she was seated, and he was crouching in front of her. "I was so angry at you," she whispered, their conversation continuing. CC did her best to control her breathing and not hyperventilate. She did not want to be one of those women. But this was serious. This was like nothing that had ever happened to her before.

"Why?" Niles asked.

"For becoming a butler," she said. "For giving up...everything. When I was little...I...I mean I hate people who keep servants."

"What?" Niles asked. He was surprised, and CC sucked in a deep breath to explain herself.

"I always thought it was so unfair on them. When I was a little girl, when my father was away I dismissed his butler and my nanny. I just wanted them to get better jobs where they could be happier. Our butler was such an old man. Daddy was furious but I...I never regretted it."

"But you let me take care of you."

"Ha!" CC scoffed. "The few times you've ever done that I've had broken bones, and whose fault were they?"

"Uh, yours," Niles said, chuckling to himself. CC glared at him. "Okay the leg was all me."

"Didn't you ever notice that I refused your service more times than I took it?"

"You were more likely to take that cup of tea I offered when Mr Sheffield was watching. I always thought it was because you could be certain I had made it properly."

"That and it was expected of me," she said, sighing. "I'm sorry Niles. I just couldn't accept that...the man I knew, who was so smart, and charming, and handsome had become...a servant, who Maxwell and even Nanny Fine boss around like they can't lift a finger, and I know you put up with it because they're your friends but I see that and I think...hypocrite."

"I had no idea," Niles said. CC shrugged.

"I never told you."

"I thought you kept staff."

"I have, over the years, but never for long and never in residence. I could never stand keeping them on for long enough and I just felt so guilty about not doing it myself when I knew I was capable. And some of the time...it was an act. Like with Chester I...I don't really hate him, and I don't think he really hates me. He just likes Nanny Fine better. It's just that I...I don't know. I don't know why I do it Niles."

"He's like your baby isn't he?" Niles asked. CC shut her eyes and nodded. "You don't want anyone to see you showing any maternal emotion?" She shrugged. "Is that why you pretend not to know the children's names?" Her eyes flicked open.

"How do you know I pretend?" Niles took his turn to shrug.

"You remember everyone else's names, don't you? Would it be so bad to let some of that soul through? You're allowed to feel and act like a woman. Nobody would hold it against you. Even knowing their names is not a sign that you're weak or not worthy of your career."

"It's not that. I know that."

"It's your parents?" he asked. CC glanced at him. They had never spoken about her family and she wasn't sure it was the right time to start, but maybe enough had passed in comments over the years, and in what was not said, for Niles to have a fairly decent idea. "Don't you remember?" he asked. "When I moved here with Mr Sheffield, I found out about you. I know who your mother is, and your father."

"My mother is horrible," CC whispered, her voice shaking. "And my father only sees her in me-"

"That's not true, because you are so very different," Niles assured her, kneeling on the tiles and holding onto her hands. "Why won't you show me some of that emotion, that's just and only yours? I know it's in there. I've seen you smile. You have the most beautiful smile."

"I don't feel like smiling very much tonight. Everything you said about me is true Niles. I've wasted my life."

"You're not dead yet," he whispered. "Neither am I."

"I am so sorry. I was so cruel. I just didn't know how to, I mean I don't know how to show you how I feel. It seemed so much easier when I was eighteen. When I got back here I had to be so many people, and I put so much up around me, I-" CC stopped talking when Niles enveloped her in his arms and pulled her into a hug. She slid off the chair and onto the floor with him as he sat back on his heels. She shut her eyes and let him rock her and hold her.

Inside, she felt horrible. When did she become such a weak, emotional mess? She had been strong once, a bright career woman. She had been going places. She had known exactly what she wanted from her life.

Hadn't she?

Was that just something she had started telling herself at some point, to deny the fact that she had never understood where she belonged? Why then was it so wrong to feel so content in Niles' embrace? Why was it so wrong to enjoy dancing with him, to feel something when he kissed her, to dream about him helping her cook dinner or walking her dog? CC squeezed her eyes shut and held him tightly in her arms. What had she done?

"I am so very sorry," she whispered into his neck. "I am such a hypocrite, a fool." Niles shushed her, and CC relaxed under the feeling of his breath, the steady beating of his heart.

"Do you love me?" he asked. CC felt her heart dip inside her chest.

"I want to." Niles kissed her cheek.

"That's good enough for me. I missed you so much."

"I haven't gone anywhere," CC said, looking up at him. He smiled at her, a proper smile, with no hint of malice or mischief. When he touched her jaw she felt herself smiling as well, and she knew it was just the type of smile he had requested when she saw his eyes brighten. He really did love her. She wasn't sure she knew what to do with that.

"No," he said. "I mean bright, beautiful, enthusiastic CC, the one who brazenly invited me into her dorm room when she hardly knew me, the one who hugged me when my father died. I've been waiting for her to come back for so long now."

CC had never felt more ashamed. Hadn't she always told herself she would not give in to expectations, that she would not be who everyone expected her to be? She had turned into that very person, and she had nearly lost the one man who had once loved her for her, who had shown her the way to her career, who had been her friend even when the only way they knew how to talk to each other was with spite and wry humour. He had made his choice, why had she held it against him for so long? It hadn't changed him. He was still the same, wasn't he? Did she even know? Had she ever taken any time to find out?

"You...you think I'm beautiful?" she asked. Her voice was soft. She knew she sounded desperate, but when was the last time she had ever heard beautiful and her name in the same sentence? So long ago she could not remember, that's when. Niles nodded and brushed his fingers through her hair, still in its up-do from the day.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he said. "That first day I came up to you, I didn't think I had a chance in Hell, but I couldn't help it. I'd seen you, watched you. You looked so lonely. I didn't understand why you didn't have freshmen swarming around you."

"I'm not good with men. Maybe because I am one." Niles laughed as she threw his old joke back in his face.

"You and I both know that's not true," he whispered, running his hand down her upper arm. CC shivered. "Maybe it's time I reminded you."

*

"Mommy?" Susanna asked. "Mom-my! Mommy?" CC's eyes refocussed on her daughter, who was staring at her expectantly, sitting up in bed, wide awake. "Mommy!" she said once she saw she had her mother's attention. "You stopped talking!"

"Oh," CC said, whispering. Had she? That was probably a good thing. "Where did I stop at?"

"Daddy hugged you and said he had missed you, the sort of girl you were when he met you in school, and he called you beautiful, and then what?"

"Oh um..." CC blushed.

"Well?"

"Well...we kissed."

"Like you kiss goodbye or like you kiss when you think I'm not looking?" CC laughed.

"The second one, you nosey little miss!" Susanna giggled and sank further down against her pillow and under her blankets, blushing and suddenly shy. "Let's just say your daddy and I fell in love that night, and we spent a lot of time together after that."

"Kissing?"

"Yes, kissing," CC said. "And telling each other that we loved each other, and we talked a lot, and told each other all the things we should have said years ago but never did, about how we grew up and why we made the decisions we did. And you really should stop spying on me and your daddy before you see something you're not meant to."

"Like when you lock your bedroom door?" Susanna asked, her voice all innocence. "I asked daddy about that once and he said it's very special mommy-daddy time."

"Well, yes," CC said, coughing to cover her embarrassed laugh. "You are your father's daughter, aren't you?"

"And yours!"

"Yes and mine, though I didn't go jiggling the handles of doors."

"But you spied on your nanny!" CC hummed. She supposed that was true.

"So are you satisfied?" she asked. "Does that answer your question?"

"What was my question?"

"About how daddy and I met."

"Yes, but I have more questions."

"Oh yeah? Dare I ask?" Susanna giggled. "Okay, what are they?"

"Then what happened?" she asked. "How did you have me, and how come we live in New York and Max and Fran live on the beach?"

"They don't live 'on' the beach," CC said.

"They live far away. And you're famous. And daddy's not Max's butler anymore, and I thought you said butlers do the job until they get really, really old, and daddy's not that old."

"Was there caffeine in that ice cream tonight?" CC asked, smirking and brushing her fingers through Susanna's hair.

"Oh please tell me mommy!"

"Tomorrow," she promised, leaning over for a goodnight kiss. Susanna reciprocated, and she shut her eyes as CC sang her a quick verse of Edelweiss, her low voice shaking as her mind travelled briefly back to where Susanna had interrupted her, and that night with Niles that she would remember for the rest of her life. It was the first time in her life where she had told a man she loved him, and meant it.

*

CC took herself to bed, but her routine felt off and her body was slow and sluggish as she dressed in her pyjamas, washed her face and brushed her hair. Cleaning her teeth just was not the same without Niles there, trying to make her laugh and spit the toothpaste out everywhere. She always made him clean it up if he got her, but he never complained about that part, and she always got a nice kiss afterwards, when they were both minty fresh.

God, she missed him. When did she become one of those women whose lives revolved around their husbands?

Okay, that wasn't true. She had her own job, she was extremely successful. It was not her husband's life in terms of his status that her life revolved around. No, she was focussed on a more molecular level. His actual life. His heart. His breath. His touch.

She never thought she could be the grieving widow. If she ever lost Niles she would go on, on the outside, but in this room that they had shared since she was five months pregnant, she would be devastated. He seemed so far away. If CC shut her eyes she could picture him stripping down to his boxers and a t-shirt and climbing into bed, waiting for her to finish moisturising. Some nights she would put on beautiful peignoirs and he would take as much delight in watching her put them on as he would later in taking them off.

CC dressed in warm flannels without him there, and she sat up in bed and reached for the photograph by his side of the bed. It was the only photo taken of the two of them in California. Niles loved it. He had his hand over her baby bump, and she had reached back to lay her palm against his face. They looked deliriously happy. CC could not even remember who had taken the shot. Surely it had not been Maxwell or Fran, for they had been so busy with the twins. It must have been a tourist, or another beach-goer. A stranger to them.

CC had so many memories about that short time in California. It did not surprise her that they could look so hopelessly in love for a stranger, no reservations, but that they had no pictures with the Sheffields like that. But that was another story, it was part of what came next, and even though CC did not want to be so honest with her daughter, she had to be. Susanna was smart, she could handle the truth, and it was important she knew who her mommy and daddy were, in case anything ever happened to them. There was no one else.

*

CC woke up sobbing at some time in the middle of the night, only to release a surprised scream when she felt a small hand touch her shoulder. How loudly had she been crying?

"Mommy?" Susanna asked, climbing up onto the bed in front of CC. CC could not stop the tears from falling to her cheeks and she could not stop her nose from running. She wrapped Susanna up in front of her and held her tightly. "Do you miss daddy?" she asked. CC could only nod and sob into her daughter's head. She didn't want to scare her, but she could not help herself. She did not know how long she cried for, but when she felt sleep calling she relaxed around her daughter and whispered Niles' name. She hoped he heard her.


	8. Chapter 8

EIGHT

CC woke with a face that felt tight and swollen, and a stuffed up nose. She rolled over, only to see Susanna sitting quietly on Niles' side of the bed, drawing with some crayons in her pyjamas. Her blonde hair fell across her studious face but she looked up from beneath her golden veil when she heard and saw CC move.

"Are you okay mommy?" she asked. CC nodded and reached up to brush her own fading hair off her face. She knew she was due to have it coloured at some stage before opening night, but she did not care so much about her hair that morning. Her heart still felt heavy. She had not slept a full night without Niles by her side, without at least hearing from him over the phone, for many years.

"What are you doing Susie?" she asked, pushing herself up on her elbow.

"I'm making some art for daddy to help him get better," she said. "So when he wakes up he can look at it." CC felt herself smiling. Neither she nor Niles had an artistic bone in their body, but Susanna loved to draw and colour. CC could not fault her for that. She did a better job of staying inside the lines than CC ever had as a child. Their kitchen fridge was covered in the evidence.

"I think daddy would love that." Susanna simply grinned. "Did I ever tell you about how we got married?"

"No," she said, looking over at CC with wide eyes and a cute, tired morning smile. "Do you have photos?"

"Nope," CC said, wishing that she did.

*

"Maybe we should take a cab," Niles suggested as he and CC walked arm in arm out of the hospital. CC's mind was swimming, and she was doing a fine enough job putting one foot in front of the other, but she did not want to be confined by traffic, in a car. It was not that far.

"Could we walk?" she asked. Niles nodded, but held onto her arm more tightly. She had been unwell, they had both fainted. They probably should not have walked, but they did. It was a long time before either of them spoke. "Can you believe it?" CC asked, her voice breathless even though they were walking no faster than strolling pace.

"I'm struggling to."

"Serves us right, don't you think? I didn't even think of birth control. I'm forty. It just...seemed..."

"I know," Niles said, assuring her she did not need to apologise. "Forty, did you say?" CC nodded. "I've got something to take your mind off all this then. In honour of the fact we are now husband and wife, and for lack of a better word, a team, would you like to know a secret?"

"Yes," she said, grinning at just the hint of mischief in his voice. "What sort of secret?"

"The most closely guarded, sought-after secret available? I overheard a conversation between Yetta and Sylvia a long time ago that I wasn't meant to overhear. But you cannot tell a soul. Mrs Sheffield does not even know that I know, and boy, do I know!"

"Cross my heart," CC said, doing just that with her free hand. "What is it?"

"Mrs Sheffield?" Niles began, watching CC as they walked. He held up his free hand with his thumb over his palm to reveal four fingers. "Forty-four," he said. CC sucked in a breath.

"What?" she asked. She could not believe it. Well actually, she could. She wasn't blind! Niles was nodding beside her, his lips pressed tightly together. "Wow, that does make me feel a little better."

"It should," he said, chuckling.

"And you never told her you knew?"

"I don't have a death wish. If she knew I knew...well I'd never be let out of her sight!"

"That's the best wedding present you could have given me!" CC said, gushing. Both of them laughed. "Are you happy?" she asked after another long silence.

"Are you kidding?" Niles replied. "I'm ecstatic. I'm stunned, but this is by far the happiest day of my life. Healthy twins for the Sheffields, a beautiful wife, a baby. I never thought I'd have a family of my own. I gave up on that idea a very long time ago."

"Your father had a family."

"Oh yes, but things were different back then. Houses were bigger, they required more staff. My mother was a maid at a neighbouring property. When she married my father they both moved to the Sheffield house. These days that...just isn't done. Certainly not in Manhattan. Besides I...wanted to marry for love, not just convenience or status."

"Same," CC said, offering him a gentle smile. "My parents are going to be livid."

"Do you care?" Niles asked. She shook her head, her smile widening into a grin. "How do you feel about the baby?"

"Good, I think," she said, resting her free hand over her abdomen. She could not feel anything yet, but it was early days. She would need to make a gynaecological appointment the very next morning for a proper check-up. "When I was young I never thought I wanted children, and then as I got older I told myself I didn't want them the more that it became apparent I was nowhere near having them."

"We're not so different," Niles said.

"No, we're not," CC whispered. "I know I love you Niles, I want to be with you. The rest, well, we take it as it comes, don't we?"

"I think so," he said. "The most important thing is that we're healthy, happy-"

"I don't know very much about babies."

"I saw you grinning at those twins," Niles said, smirking.

"Oh shut up," she laughed, nudging him with her elbow. "That doesn't mean I know how to take care of them."

"I think it will come back to me," Niles said. "It's different when it's your own, though. You'll be fine."

"You think?" CC asked. Niles nodded and squeezed her hand, hoping to alleviate her fears. "Did you want children?" she asked. "I mean, if I wasn't pregnant, and we were just having this conversation, what would you say?"

"I'm not sure," he said after some seconds of thought. "I would probably have said something about being older than the average father, but then pointed out that I am so completely in love with you that a baby we created could only bring more joy into our lives. I had gentle parents, they weren't the most exciting or fun, but they were there when I needed them in a way yours probably weren't-"

"Got that right," CC sighed. "I'm a bit worried about how old I am."

"A lot of women have children at forty. Fran just had twins. I would have thought you'd be much more worried at the fact they all know your name."

"Oh they won't tell," CC said, smirking. "You were the one I'd been keeping it from all these years." Niles laughed.

"We'll see a doctor," he told her, not letting himself be distracted from the very real issue she had raised. "You'll probably just need to look after yourself, take it easy. I'm sure everything will be just fine. And if, Heaven forbid, something goes wrong, there is always a next time."

"Clearly my eggs aren't as old as you always insinuated?" she asked. Niles laughed.

"Baby you are smokin'," he teased, gripping her hand. "You don't feel faint anymore?"

"I think it's passed, but I would like to get home and lie down just to recover from all this."

"Agreed," he said. "I need some time staring at the ceiling to take it all in." CC looked down at the diamond on her left hand. "We need to buy wedding rings," Niles added.

"We need to talk finances," CC corrected.

"You want a pre-nup? I'll sign it."

"It's a bit late for that!" she said with a laugh. "And no, I don't want one. I was going to offer to pay for the wedding rings, but I wasn't sure how comfortable you would feel about that."

"I don't mind," he said. "I did have savings but I-"

"Bought this beautiful diamond?" CC asked, interrupting. Niles nodded, pausing in his stride only long enough to kiss her shoulder.

"I know you could have bought yourself a bigger one, but that's not really the point," he said. CC laughed when she saw him smiling.

"I love it," she assured him. "I love you." Niles stopped again, and they held each other on the sidewalk, the kiss they shared slow and sensual. When they parted, CC rested her forehead to his and held his upper arms. "Don't ever doubt that," she whispered. Niles shook his head as well as he could with her leaning against him. "Are we far from home?" she asked.

"A block or two. Why?" he asked. CC lifted herself up to respond, but then held a finger up to him. Before he could ask her again, she turned and leant over a patch of nearby shrubs to throw up. It was nothing too new considering she had been sick for the past couple of days, but throwing up in public and in front of her husband was new. CC's skin burned and quivered as she wretched. She felt Niles rest a steady, still hand on her lower back and wondered how he knew not to touch her any more than that. She could not bear it.

When she stood she saw his face screwed up in disgust and worry, even though they both knew it was perfectly normal. Niles was holding a handkerchief, and when his eyes filled with tears CC realised she was crying. Embarrassment filled her and she reached up to brush them away. She ducked shyly out of his reach the first few times he tried to assist.

"It's okay, the tears are normal," she promised. Niles batted her hand away to dry a few himself, and he handed her the handkerchief. She wiped her nose and mouth and clutched the damp cloth in one hand. Niles wrapped an arm around her waist and they walked the rest of the way home.

Home was of course the Sheffield house, though CC knew it would not belong to them for much longer. She knew it was Niles' home, and it was closer than her Park Avenue penthouse apartment. She did not know if he intended this to be their last destination or if he wanted to drive her the rest of the way. She wasn't sure she could hold her stomach together in a car.

"Do you want to go to your place?" Niles asked as he let them in. CC shook her head.

"I just want to lie down for a bit." Niles walked with her to his room and sat with her as she fell quickly into a deep sleep.

*

When CC woke it was morning, and she was surprised by how well she felt. She knew it probably wouldn't last. CC had no idea whether her mother had suffered with morning sickness. She doubted it, considering her mother's penchant for dramatics and the fact she had managed to have three children. Surely if she had gotten very sick with any of them that child would have been her last. Maybe it was worse in older women; payback for putting it off for so long. Either that or her forty year old body just wasn't as good at handling the shifts in hormones as a twenty year old body.

Though she was doing okay. She would be just fine.

Niles was not beside her and she wondered what time it was and where he was. She was still in her dress, and lying on her side she reached back to unzip it. Peeling it off her front, she felt much cooler and relaxed, and she pulled the sheet higher up around her shoulders to hide her nudity.

When she woke up again Niles was sitting behind her, rubbing slow circles over her back. She hummed, comprehending his presence and his soothing touch before she realised she was sweaty and hot. God, the nausea was back. This was going to be Hell.

"Oh I feel like shit."

"Just what every man loves to hear the morning after the wedding," Niles said, teasing. CC only groaned and rolled onto her back, and Niles pulled the sheet down and reached for the straps of her dress. "Come on, I've run a cool bath. You need to get out of this dress." CC smirked.

"Just what every wife wants to hear the morning after the wedding." Niles chuckled.

"I think we skipped the honeymoon and went straight to morning sickness huh?"

"I think so," CC said. "Sorry."

"It's okay, plenty of time. Let me help you, this is what I'm good at."

*

CC was not in the mood to see Maxwell or Fran for the rest of the week, and she spent that time in her own apartment, valiantly attempting to assist Niles help her pack. She had thought she would have a lot of time to get ready for the move to California, but she had not counted on falling ill.

"Are you sure you want to sell this place?" Niles asked one afternoon as CC was stretched out on the sofa with Chester. She nodded, lifting her eyes from the pregnancy book in her hand.

"It's too small for a family anyway. One bedroom." Niles nodded. "Besides," she said. "We don't need the investment money."

"I was talking to Mr Sheffield about California," Niles said, perching warily on the glass coffee table in front of her. CC smiled at his concern about breaking a table she had hardly used. Besides, it was strong enough to hold him with his feet on the floor.

"What about it?"

"The house they decided to rent, have you seen it?"

"Some monstrosity, isn't it?"

"Well, yes rather," Niles said, smirking when CC rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath that it, 'figured'. He clasped her nearby knee and gave her a little shake. "I learn more about you each day. For someone who constantly parades around in designer wear you're not much for opulence are you?"

"I just like to be comfortable. The designer-wear, well, that's public expectation, and you try finding an evening dress off the rack for this leggy frame."

"And busty too," he said, teasing. CC laughed.

"And soon to be bustier, according to this book!" Niles smirked. "So, big house, keep going."

"My room was originally going to be just that, not much different to my room here, but after speaking to Mr Sheffield he's decided to give us what was going to be the first guest room, for the older children. It has an ensuite, and it's close to the nursery."

"Oh good, so we get to listen to Fran sing lullabies all night?"

"It's much larger than any of the other spare rooms in the house." CC smiled and reached for Niles' hand, holding it tightly.

"Sounds fine," she assured him. "I'll invest in some ear plugs."

"I have a spare set," he said. "It's a great brand. Two, three a.m., if I don't want to get out of bed, I can hardly hear them calling." CC grinned as Niles kissed her knuckles. "Have you called your father yet?" CC nodded. "And?"

"And he seemed very excited. He doesn't have any grandchildren. He said he would come out to California at the next opportunity to see us. He remembers you. When I told him about university he, well, he was very happy for us."

"Wonderful," Niles said, grinning as CC blinked back tears. "Are you going to call your mother?"

"I wasn't planning on it."

"CC." She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, okay. I just don't know what to say to her. She'll probably be on the phone beside a pool at some twenty year old boy's condo."

"Oh come on, your mother must be sixty-five years old!"

"Age hasn't stopped her, the little nymphomaniac." Niles chuckled.

"Who's she going to hear it from if you don't call her?"

"The press?" CC suggested. Niles stared at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Exactly," he said. CC sighed. It had already made the New York society pages. They had caused enough of a ruckus in the hospital. Maxwell Sheffield and ex-nanny Fran Sheffield had twins, and his partner CC Babcock eloped with the butler that same night. CC was screening calls and most had been from her so-called friends, wanting to talk to her about what they had heard. Was it true she was pregnant? Was it true she was married to Niles the butler? Most of them knew him. Most of them had been to the Sheffield house at some stage.

CC did not want to talk to any of them. She heard the masked disdain in their voices over the machine. She was moving interstate and they did not matter anymore. She just wanted to relax and enjoy her husband and her pregnancy. Not so long ago she would have laughed in anyone's face had they suggested so much of her, but life had changed fast, and far be it from her to order it to slow down. She wanted a baby, a proper family. She really, truly did, and nobody was going to put a damper on her happiness.

*

CC knew Niles had finished the last of the packing when he walked into her bedroom and collapsed beside her, face first into the mattress and pillow with a satisfied groan.

"Thank you sweetie," she mumbled, half asleep on her back. He threw an arm over her waist. It was so strange, having him there all the time, but CC had to admit it was handy when she wasn't feeling well and there was so much to do. She enjoyed sleeping with him, and there had not been many teething issues in that regard.

She was keenly aware that they had not made love since they got married, but she knew that had more to do with her throwing up and sleeping all the time than anything else. CC felt no better that evening with Niles beside her, and she carefully moved his hand off her stomach, down towards her abdomen, where it was less disturbing to her churning insides.

"You okay?" he asked, rubbing across her abdomen. Her whole muscular system seemed to clench at his touch, and she heard him hum to himself. She knew he had felt her response to him. "You're all packed. I'm going to sleep here tonight."

"Is it late?"

"Mm," he hummed.

"Won't Maxwell and Fran need you?"

"There are two of them, there are two babies; they can handle it. Sylvia's there."

"Oh even better," CC whispered. Niles chuckled into his pillow and then turned his head to the side to watch her. "I'm scared Niles," she said, shivering as his fingers continued to feel across her hips and the soft round of her belly.

"About what?" he asked.

"Everything," she said, shutting her eyes. "Sometimes it all feels so fast and out of control."

"I know," he said. "There's a lot happening. It will settle down."

"What if something goes wrong?"

"Nothing's gonna go wrong," he assured her, sounding more American than British. CC smiled to herself. She loved when his accent faded. He had been in the country enough years, after all. Sometimes she caught him mimicking her unconsciously, and he could bung it on as well as any actor.

"What if it does?"

"We'll be okay," he said. "We can get through anything. We're resilient, remember?"

"Sometimes I don't feel that way."

"I know," he said softly. "Me either. But that's why we're married. Together, we're much stronger than we ever were alone. We'll be okay."

"Are you nervous about California?"

"Yes," he hissed. "But it will be a nice change. I just haven't moved in a long time, not since we came to New York."

"Niles, I'm not sure if this is obvious, but I've never moved. A year at Oxford doesn't count."

"I know darling," he said, shifting closer to her on the bed. "Just think of the television show, and all these new opportunities that are going to arise for you and Mr Sheffield. Let yourself get excited by that, and try not to think about leaving. Think how much Chester will enjoy having grass in the back yard to play on. All that freedom to run around. It can't be bad, can it?"

"No," she whispered. "And I am excited. It's just sometimes hard to feel that when I'm so..."

"Tired?" Niles suggested. CC chuckled, nodding and reaching for his hand, holding him still against her.

"Exhausted," she sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh, it's not your fault," he said with a laugh. "If anything, it's mine!" She glanced over at him and smirked. "It is mine, right?"

"Oh shut up," she said, joining him in a laugh. "I just, I wish this was all a bit more...romantic."

"And we waited for this how long?" he asked, teasing. "There's no rush Chastity. You just live up to that name of yours until you feel better." CC reached over and slapped him over the arm, and he rolled away, laughing to himself. "What?" he exclaimed, crawling cautiously back towards her. CC reached for him and they lay close, side by side. She brushed her nose past his and their lips met in a brief, chaste kiss.

"Claire," he whispered. He had taken to calling her Claire whenever they shared a pillow, and CC had to admit the sense of intimacy that filled her when he said it was almost overpowering. Besides doctors, her father and brother, he was the only man who had ever known her name, and he was certainly the only man who had ever dared whisper it to her. A doctor's surgery was one thing, but she had nearly broken her brother's arm the one time he had tried it. Yet with Niles it was more than a joke. It was a sign of trust.

"What?" she asked when he failed to continue.

"Your name is beautiful." CC kissed him again, and they rearranged themselves in bed to sleep.

"Only when you say it. Are you going to turn out the light?" she asked when she realised she could see brightness beneath her closed lids. Niles mumbled something that sounded like a, 'hell no', and CC snuggled in beside his body, turning her face towards him. It didn't work. She opened her eyes and pouted at him. He was watching her.

"What?" he asked.

"The baby can't sleep with the light on." She grinned as he rolled his eyes. He clambered out of bed and went for the light switch. When he returned, it was dark, and CC helped draw the sheets over them both, sighing with contentment as she listened to him settle beside her.

"That better not have been because I'm a butler," he said into the darkness.

"No, it was your pregnant wife asking her beloved husband."

"That's better," he said. CC chuckled, stifling a yawn. "Sleep, CC."

"Getting there," she promised. "Thank you Niles. Most amazing months. I love you."

*

"Mommy," Susanna whined, interrupting her. "You're making me sleepy."

"I'm making myself sleepy," CC said, yawning and lying back down in bed. She reached for Susanna, and the girl crawled into her mother and lay down in her arms.

"So I was a surprise baby?"

"A very good surprise. The best kind."

"How long did you live in California for?"

"A little while."

"And did you call your mommy?"

"I did. She was very upset with me."

"How come I never met her?"

"Well, my daddy died when you were a baby. He met you when you were first born, there are pictures of you with him at the hospital, but he was a busy man and couldn't stay, and he never got to see you again, though we sent pictures. My mommy...she doesn't want to see me, and I don't want to see her. When I told her about you and daddy, she got very quiet, and she said she was very disappointed in me, and that I was an embarrassment to her, and that she never wanted to hear from me again."

"That's so mean!"

"It is," CC agreed, keeping her voice as gentle and bitterness-free as she could. "But you know what? When I had you, I realised that she was never much of a mommy to me, and there wasn't much I had learned from her that I wanted to pass on as a mommy myself, so I learned how to be the best sort of mommy I thought I could be, and I don't really miss her."

"Not ever?"

"I never really knew her Susie, and that's very sad, and it's not like most other families."

"Daddy's parents are both dead right?"

"That's right," CC whispered. "You only have one grandma left."

"Do I have cousins?"

"No sweetie. Your Uncle Noel isn't married, remember? And Aunty DD is divorced, and she never had babies with her husbands."

"How many husbands has she got?"

"She had two, but not at the same time. You haven't seen her since you were two."

"Oh," Susanna said, frowning in confusion. CC smiled.

"Too much information?" she asked.

"When is Uncle Noel coming to visit next?"

"He's coming to opening night in a few weeks," CC said, smiling more genuinely than she had since her mother worked her way into the conversation. "He's very excited to see you."

"Is he lonely?"

"Uncle Noel has always enjoyed being on his own. More than I ever did."

"I don't like being by myself," Susanna said, eyeing CC cautiously, as though CC might go away any minute. "Is daddy lonely at the hospital?"

"Daddy's sleeping, but we'll go back there after breakfast and keep him company."

"I like that photo," Susanna said, pointing to the photo on Niles' bedside table.

"It's daddy's favourite of us."

"Us?"

"Yes, see that's you," CC said, reaching out across Susanna and pointing to the place underneath Niles' hand. "You're in there." Susanna giggled.

"Like in pregnant ladies?" she asked.

"Yes exactly," CC said, laughing. "I was one once, you know." Susanna laughed harder. "What's so funny about that?"

"Did you get really fat?"

"Oh stop it. Now you're just channelling your father. For your information, I was a house."

"But you're not fat anymore."

"No, you sucked it all back out again, thank you very much." Susanna giggled, and CC tickled her just to prolong the sound of her laughter. "Come on, brekkie. Daddy's waiting."


	9. Chapter 9

NINE

"Daddy!" Susanna exclaimed as she saw her father. He was not awake, nor was he moving, but CC's confidence improved when she heard the doctor proclaim how promising the latest scans were. The swelling was going down. They had reduced his medication. He could wake up any time. That was good news. She would not be able to concentrate on work until she saw those blue eyes again.

Susanna had pulled herself onto the chair she had occupied for most of the previous day, and CC moved over to join her, setting her large handbag on the floor between them so that Susanna could access her colouring book and toys and the food CC had packed.

"He's doing very well honey," she said, squeezing Niles' hand and leaning over to peck his bruised cheek before taking her own seat.

"Is there more story?" Susanna asked, looking over at CC with hopeful blue eyes. CC nodded. "When I'm a baby?"

"No, this is before you were born. Remember you asked me why we didn't live in California at the beach?"

"Oh that's right, and daddy's not Uncle Max's butler anymore." CC nodded, reaching out to tidy Susanna's hair and comb it behind her ears with her fingers. Susanna waited patiently, and seemed to realise that CC just needed to touch her a little bit more than normal, with her daddy so sick.

"When I married your daddy so fast, it just felt right," CC said. "Straight away, I knew it had been the right thing to do. When we got to California, straight away, I knew it was wrong."

*

CC groaned when she heard Fran's nasal tones over the intercom. She opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of the bright yellow digital clock around Niles' moving figure. As soon as she saw that it was two-thirty in the morning, she hooked her fingers around her newlywed husband's shirt and held fast.

"Don't even think about it," she said.

"Ni-iles," Fran sang into the intercom. "Niles, wake u-up!"

"CC-"

"Don't," she said. "Ignore her."

"You try." It was as though Fran heard him.

"Miss Ba-ab-co-ock." CC clambered out of bed before Niles could say he told her so. She strode to the intercom by the door in the dark, pulled the panel off, and started blindly pressing buttons until she found the one that switched the lit panel off. Niles was beside her but remained silent until he could see the light was off, in case she had accidentally switched it on. His hand gently wrapped around her shaking wrist.

"Back to bed sweetheart," he said.

"You too." She grabbed him by the hem of the shirt and dragged him back to the bed, and he followed, climbing back inside the covers with her. But as she lay down, he remained seated. CC wrapped an arm firmly around his bent knee. "I'm not letting you go. It's the second time tonight and they promised."

"It's twins, CC. They need some help."

"You said it back in New York. There are two of them, two babies, they can manage."

"Mr Sheffield is very busy, he needs sleep."

"What about me?" CC asked, feeling no shame in whinging. "I'm pregnant; I'm just as busy as he is during the day. She's keeping me UP and she's taking you away from me, and they promised it would stop and it hasn't!"

"I'm so sorry," Niles said. CC heard his voice shaking and she felt horrible for making it sound as though it was his fault, as though he was the one with no self control. She felt herself tear up, her chin quivered. She hated to cry, but it was all she really felt like doing.

"No, I'm sorry." She knew as soon as Niles heard her tears he would stay with her, but she wasn't putting it on. She had seen women do it, she had seen her mother do it, and Fran, and she had always thought it pathetic and childish. But this was different, it was real and embarrassing and adult, emotion she couldn't put into words. She held onto Niles and buried her face in his stomach. She sobbed openly and asked him not to go. Niles scooted down in the bed to lie with her, and as she calmed down she reached up to touch his face, only to realise his own cheeks were wet. He was crying too. She felt sick at just the thought. "I'm okay," she whispered. Niles' hand brushed over the growing evidence of their baby between them, and he shook his head.

"You are not. I won't go, just rest."

"It's not right Niles," she whispered, feeling herself fall back to sleep as his hands soothed her. "It's not fair."

"I know, shh," he hissed, kissing her forehead. "We'll fix it in the morning."

*

CC went back to sleep feeling sick, and she woke up feeling just as bad when she realised Niles had left at some stage during the night or at the very least before she had woken, and it was only six in the morning. She lay in bed for another hour, taking deep breaths and sitting up every so often to manage her nausea, and then she fumbled through a shower. She did not know what to wear. She did not feel like wearing a suit. It was hot, more consistently hot than she was used to. None of her clothes fit her, and though she had managed to pick up some maternity wear since arriving in California, it was mostly comfortable clothes that could be worn around the house.

Not that she had any important meetings at the studio that day, so there was no need to try to stuff herself into her work pants and hide the fact the top button was undone. She chose a loose, cotton skirt and a t-shirt, and slipped on thongs. She scraped her blonde hair back into a rough ponytail and threw on a thin coat of foundation, before heading downstairs for breakfast. Not that she was hungry.

"Good morning CC," Maxwell said as she entered the dining room. It was even larger than the room in New York, and it had less people in it. Maxwell sat at the head, fully dressed as usual. Fran was in her dressing gown with a baby monitor beside her, and Grace was dressed for school.

And there was Niles, shovelling food onto Maxwell's plate. CC felt Fran's and Gracie's eyes on her as she walked past them dressed like some middle-aged, fat, white-trash blonde, and she had never felt more self conscious.

"Miss Babcock!" Fran exclaimed. "New style?"

"Shut up," CC grumbled, approaching Niles. She leant against him and shut her eyes, huffing gently as her stomach turned.

"Morning baby," Niles whispered, rubbing her back. "Hungry?" She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "You better get out of here then, before the smell gets to you."

"Kay," she hissed, pecking his cheek and disappearing into the kitchen for some crackers. She pulled up a stool and sat at the connecting door with her box of crackers on her lap and her forehead resting on the frame, and she listened to the conversation in the dining room.

"Mr Sheffield, CC and I were very upset at being woken up twice last night to help with the children."

"Fran," Maxwell said with a drawl.

"What, they were both crying at me!"

"I told you to wake me up if that happened, not Niles. You know CC has not been well."

"Yeah she looks really sick," Grace said. "Is she okay Niles?"

"She'll be fine," he said, his voice clipped. "Sir-"

"It's okay Niles it won't happen again."

"Forgive me Mr Sheffield, but that's what you said last week." CC heard an uncomfortable silence descend on the room.

"I'm sorry Niles," Maxwell said finally. "That's all I can say."

"Thank you," Niles replied. He did not look at all surprised when he found CC in the kitchen eavesdropping. "You have been around me too long," he said, smirking. He touched her cheek.

"I'm fine," she assured him, aware that young Grace's concern would have struck a chord with Niles. "I just, I think I'll take these back to bed with me." Niles smiled.

"Okay love," he said with a gentle voice. CC smiled at him through slit eyes, and made her way slowly up the back staircase. Halfway up the stairs her even steps changed to a run, and she made it to the nearest bathroom just in time to crash to the tiles on her knees and throw up. She would not have cried so hard, she thought, if she felt comfortable in the bathroom, but she didn't. She would not have cried so hard if she had a bed to crawl into afterwards that she owned, that she chose, but she knew that she didn't.

She felt four years old when Niles found her and helped tidy her up. He supported her weight back to their room. She just did not want to handle stairs, they weren't working for her. When she lay down in bed and looked up into his eyes, she saw that he was terrified, and she wished she was someplace else. She wished she would just die.

"What can I do?" he asked. CC shut her eyes and shook her head. There was nothing he could do. But he opened the window and let in some more fresh air, and it was enough to settle her churning stomach until she fell asleep holding his hand.

*

A week later, CC's stomach decided it was feeling better, and for the first time in weeks she woke up without a headache, without a churning stomach, and without the floury, acidic taste in her mouth. She felt tired and achy, but she had been sick and bedridden for days, sitting up only to eat and drink. She had managed only to sip water and nibble on dry food, but suddenly she was hungry. She could go for some toast, or fruit. Maybe some bacon.

Nope, it was definitely safer to stick to toast. She was getting ready when she noticed the flap was open on the intercom again and there were no lights on. How long had it been like that? She was sure she had reset it the previous week. Just as she was contemplating it, Niles entered their room, and he grinned just at the sight of her out of bed.

"Hi!" he said, hurrying over to her. "You're up!"

"Barely," she said, smirking at him but accepting the brief morning kiss. "What's with the intercom?"

"Hmm? Oh I turned it off."

"Last night?"

"No," Niles said, frowning at her and doing his best not to laugh. "You've really been out of it, haven't you? Haven't you even heard me talking to you? About four nights back I was called away, luckily you didn't wake up, and I did get up but I just left it off after that."

"Oh, thank you," CC said, unable to help gushing. "I remember you coming in and out, being here, but it's hazy. That intercom really is the most annoying thing in the world."

"It's less annoying than knocking, trust me," Niles said with wide, wise eyes. CC smiled and sat on the end of the bed, taking a deep, steadying breath.

"I think I feel better today."

"Good. You look ten times better. Another day as bad as you were and I would have been taking you to the hospital." Niles hesitated. "CC, I need to tell you something. You were so sick I...Maybe I should have told you when it happened, though you weren't all there."

"When what happened?"

"Chester," he said. "The day before yesterday he was hit by a car. He's dead." CC sucked in a breath and held the instant pain inside her. He was just a damn dog. Dogs got hit by cars all the time. Chester hated her. He had never loved her.

None of it was true, and he would not have been hit by a car in New York. She didn't know what to say. She was devastated. She couldn't even remember the last time she saw him she'd been so sick, and Chester had been kept away. She would never hold him again.

"I'm sorry CC, you were so unwell, I didn't want to make you sicker."

"I don't think my mother was ever this ill," she said, holding a hand over her abdomen. Anything to not talk about her dog. "Not this late into her pregnancy anyway."

"The doctor said it's different for everyone, didn't they?" he asked. CC nodded. "Think you can eat food today? I am so sorry. I know what he meant to you."

"I think I have to eat. Just...nothing fancy. What are you doing up here?"

"Besides checking on you, intending to pack a hospital bag for you? Mr Sheffield is going to the studio in an hour and wanted to see if you were up to having a discussion with him."

"Oh, yeah of course. I'll just change."

"Do you want me to make some toast?"

"No, I'll do it. I'll talk to Maxwell first. I really am feeling better." Niles walked over to the bed and leant down for a tight hug.

"I really am glad," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "I was scared. I'll see you downstairs." CC nodded, walking to her closest. She would dress casually again. She was not going to the studio and she was sure Maxwell just wanted to check the details of her legwork with her again. She had barely set foot at the studio since arriving, but had still managed to run half the business around being sick, but for the past week. It did not feel like a week, as Niles said. It felt like just a day. Surely Maxwell wasn't calling her into his office to have a nasty word with her. She did not think she had stuffed anything up of late. Maybe it was something to do with Chester. She wondered where he was. She might have liked to say goodbye.

*

CC stayed in the office for a long time after Maxwell left, and when she did leave she walked zombie-like into the living room and sat down on a chair. Her vacant stare caught Fran's attention, and CC could feel Niles nearby even though she could not see him.

"What was that about Miss Babcock?" Fran asked. "Maxwell left in a huff!"

"Did something go wrong?" Niles asked, coming forward. "CC?"

"Um, he offered me...he just offered me...a partnership."

"What?" Niles and Fran said at once.

"Fifty-fifty, legal and financial. He had the paperwork. He's had it for ages he just said...timing...I didn't know."

"I knew," Fran declared, breaking into a grin and giggling. CC's eyes went wide as she sought out Niles.

"I told him I would have to think about it," she said.

"What?" Niles and Fran said once again.

"But this is what you wanted, isn't it?" Niles asked. "You quit over this years ago. It is way past being due."

"Hey!" Fran said, though when Niles looked at her she shrugged and conceded with her expression that okay, maybe CC deserved the recognition earlier.

"I know," CC said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "But I...I don't think I want it anymore. I think...it offended him. He said if I didn't want it, what was I still doing here, but I didn't think that was very fair."

"CC," Niles said, sitting on the coffee table in a way that did not block Fran's view of his wife. CC knew she wasn't making much sense. "What happened?"

"Nothing. He told me to think about it and I said I would, and he left. Niles...can we talk...someplace private?"

"Upstairs?"

"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "Let's go to the beach."

"You feel good enough for the beach?" CC frowned, and then nodded.

"I think I do. I just need breakfast."

*

"Okay, spill," Niles said once they were sitting on a park bench underneath the shade of a tree, the beach stretching out in front of them, a cool morning breeze dampening the seasonal heat. "Why didn't you jump at this?"

"A lot of reasons, not the least I can't help thinking it's some kind of bribe because we've been so huffy about the intercom. But I guess overall...Niles I think I've outgrown this."

"Outgrown?"

"The partnership. These people. I didn't give Maxwell an answer but I know he left under the impression that...I would say no. This just...I feel like I'm not in my life anymore. I'm sad."

"Don't tell me this is homesickness," Niles said, frowning with concern. CC stared at him openly.

"I think it's made me feel worse." She watched his eyes drop to the table. She knew what she was saying, but she had to get it off her chest. It had only just struck her in Maxwell's office. She didn't want to be sitting on that chair opposite him anymore. She wanted her own desk. She wanted her own office. She would never have those things with him.

It was just that he and Niles were kind of a package deal. She hadn't thought it through, but she had to talk to him. Not talking to him was making her sick, she was sure of it.

"Say something?" she asked.

Niles complied with a simple, "Wow". "What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Niles, that's for us to talk about, I-"

"No," he said, cutting her off. "Tell me. Then we can talk. What do you want to do? Are you saying you, well, I think I knew you weren't happy here."

"How did you know that?"

"It's the way you cry when you're sick," he said, his voice soft. "I see it in your eyes, and how you act around them now it's...bitter, almost. The way you don't like me getting up at night-"

"That part is just me wanting private time with my husband," she said quickly. "They take too much from you Niles. They always have, and you can say it's your job and I respect you for that, but I can't respect them for it. Not anymore."

"CC," Niles sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.

"I know, I know," she said, her voice shaking with unshed tears. "I know we're never going to completely agree on this, and that's not what this is about, I promise. This is about...feeling safe. I know a lot's changed, for all of us, and it's normal to feel anxious and scared but it's just that..."

"You miss New York," Niles said. CC nodded. "And the theatre." She nodded again. How he knew that she wasn't sure, but she was grateful he wasn't going to make her say it. She knew what it meant. She knew what it could mean for them. "On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you here, compared to New York?"

"Considering the downward Broadway slope we were on before we left...seven? And here, even though there's this show and I have you...two, maybe three. It's not just because I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself either Niles. It's not, I promise you that."

"It's okay," he said. "I knew this, I got a feeling something was wrong shortly after we arrived, before you got very sick. I just wasn't sure if you knew what it was, and I couldn't bring myself to...I don't think I wanted to hear it in case, in case it was me."

"Are you afraid I'll leave you?" CC asked, reaching across the table for his hands. He stretched one out to meet hers, and her heart nearly broke when she saw him nod just slightly, before shaking his head. "Oh God," she hissed, quickly shaking her own. "Niles, no, no-no-no. I swear to you." Their fingers tangled together and CC bowed her head, watching one of her tears drip off her cheek and onto the table in front of her. "We can stay," she whispered. "I'll stay, I'll get used to it, right? Maybe, maybe it's just acclimatising."

"It's my turn to say no," Niles said, his voice calm and quiet. "CC look at me." She did, and her eyes travelled over the lines on his face, the tears in his eyes. "We can go."

"What did you just say?" she asked, her cheeks flushing at just the idea.

"I have never seen you so upset. It's sickening for me to watch. If we weren't married you'd be out of here, wouldn't you? Be honest."

"Yes," she whispered. "But your job Niles, your business-"

"You are my family," he stated clearly. "I can get another job. Not many people can afford full time butlers but I don't think that's what you and I want anymore, and plenty of people would like a butler for special occasions, don't you think?" CC just stared at him, blinking. "I could take jobs as they come along, freelance, with plenty of time to look after our baby, so that you could work, and we wouldn't need a nanny."

"Are you just saying these things off the top of your head?" she asked.

"Yeah. Why, no good?" CC shook her head.

"I think it sounds wonderful."

"What would you do?" he asked. CC touched her free hand to her chest.

"I want to produce theatre," she said. "Me, on my own."

"Do you have one in mind?" he asked. She nodded. "Really?" His eyes brightened. "I haven't seen any scripts lying around. You sneaky wench! Who sent it to you?"

"No it's um, it's yours Niles." Niles' eyebrows shot up into his forehead.

"What?"

"Granted, the ending might need a bit of a rewrite, but I think we could, I mean-"

"You want to produce my play?" he asked. CC pressed her lips together and nodded.

"I told you it was good, didn't I? Don't look so surprised."

"But Mr Sheffield-"

"You're his butler Niles. Why would he want to see you succeed in another field, profit from another income? You were always talking about getting rich and famous and leaving. He never sent it on to anyone else. Did you?"

"No," Niles said, frowning. "If someone else picked it up and Mr Sheffield didn't-"

"You would never hear the end of it. Don't you see, Niles?"

"Of course I see," he said, squeezing her hand. "CC, I've known these things a long time, I knew them going in. I just never would have guessed how deeply they hurt you, and it's not worth it. We'll go back to New York. You're a New Yorker, I get that. We can make it work."

"Are you sure?"

"We're going to have a baby, CC. You're my wife. Of course I'm sure."

"I've always thought of doing it on my own, the producing thing. I just, I never got...thrown out of my comfort zone like this before. I never got forced to act like this before."

"You think I don't know who's been pulling the purse strings of Mr Sheffield's company for the past dozen years?" Niles asked. "You're a pro, Ms Babcock. You deserve a shot. I'm not sure you'll get it with my play, but I'm touched, really."

"I'm sure," she said with a growing smile. "Just give me some time and an editor's pen."

"Wow," Niles said, shaking his head in disbelief. "After a week of feeding you crackers and water and debating whether or not to rush you to emergency for intravenous fluids I'm just...blown away. Has this been working in your head the entire time?"

"Only the times when I was conscious," she said, biting her bottom lip. "I don't think I even realised until I was sitting in that office today. Are you very mad?"

"CC," Niles said. His face softened as he shook his head. "And I'll be there when you tell him. This isn't just your opinion, it's ours, and to tell you the truth...I never saw myself even staying this long, when I started. You're not the only one who needs...a rest."

"Oh thank you," CC whispered, climbing out from behind the chair and hurrying to his side of the bench, sitting down and taking him in her arms. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"How are we going to tell them?" Niles asked. CC smirked into his shoulder, drying her tears on his shirt.

"By intercom?" she suggested. Niles laughed, rocking her a few times as they hugged.

*

CC was not a partner. It was a clean process to remove her from the books. In the end, she knew Maxwell would do no more than cut off her salary and bonus payments. She and Niles made copies of all her records, all the evidence of her work, and Maxwell saw no problem with that, though he made himself scarce as they went through the old files with a laser scanner. Fran had come up with a million reasons for them to stay over the week it took to pack up, but CC certainly had not been convinced and Niles had remained steadfast and solemn. They just kept saying they had made their decision, and how could Fran and Maxwell argue with that?

When it came time for them to leave, CC was stunned when Grace gave her a warm hug. She barely knew the girl, really, and it was her own fault, but of the three children Grace was the one she most respected, and it was Grace she had probably spent the most time in the presence of. CC had a strange feeling that somehow, bright, tough Grace respected her too.

"Good bye Miss Babcock," she said. "Good luck with the baby, and say hello to New York for me. You're not the only one that misses it." CC knew that, and she offered Grace a genuine smile.

"Bye Gracie," she whispered. Surprise flickered in Grace's eyes as an understanding that CC had always known her name passed between them. Then Niles was there, saying goodbye to the girl he had helped raise from a newborn. Maxwell was standing far back from the car, and Fran was somewhere in between, one of the twins in her arms. CC knew she should have been more upset to leave them, but she wasn't. She felt nothing; it was time. She could not speak for Niles. These people had been his best friends for so many years, and she was taking him away from them. She knew that was Maxwell's opinion, he blamed CC for this turnabout, and she knew Fran would be easily swayed to agree with him.

But CC did not really care. Niles did not think that way. She didn't. They were the opinions most important to her.

They didn't say anything to each other in the car. CC was afraid to talk. She felt like crying for his loss, and she did not want to upset him any more than he obviously already was. But when they were on the plane he gave her the aisle seat, and he made sure there were sick bags there, and then he took her hand and shut his eyes, and she knew he would be okay. He had a brand new start to look forward to, they both did. They just needed the east coast and some distance from the Sheffields. They would feel less guilty then.

*

"And was it good, when you got back?" Susanna asked.

"It was wonderful," CC said. "It was like in the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy finally gets home. We both felt it. We stayed in a hotel for six weeks until we could move into the apartment we bought, which is where we still live today."

"Is California very different from New York?"

"We were in Los Angeles, and yes, it's very different. Your daddy and I were very, very happy to be back. I stopped feeling so sick, and the doctor told us everything was okay with you, we got to see your little heart beating, and we were just so happy. I spent nearly my whole life in New York, so-"

"Daddy grew up in England right?"

"He did, and we've already decided when you're older we'll take you there, show you where he grew up and take you to some shows on London's West End, so you can see what it's like there. We would love to go back there one day."

"We should go soon," Susanna said, nodding wisely. "What if something happens before you get to go back with daddy? That would be sad."

"I know it would," CC whispered, reaching over and squeezing Susanna's shoulder. "Maybe in the next year or two. I'll talk about it with daddy when he's better."


	10. Chapter 10

TEN

"So is that when you got famous?" Susanna asked. "When you and daddy quit?"

"Well, not right away," CC said, too tired of watching Niles' heart trail across the screen opposite her to bother modestly correcting her daughter.

*

CC paced around the living area of their hotel suite as she watched Niles patiently read and turn pages. It was driving her insane, but she tried to calm herself by alternating between rubbing her small belly and her lower back. Halfway through her pregnancy and her back was already twinging under the strain. Her doctor just reminded her she was forty and she rolled her eyes. At least she had Niles on hand to give her massages, and he did such a fabulous job it only encouraged her not to try to hide it and deal with it on her own.

"Come on Niles!" she groaned. "How long does it take?"

He was reading the third act. She had almost completely scrapped the first, incorporated the good bits into what had been the second, kept the original third with some minor changes, and then rewritten what would be a new third act. It had taken her a month, and Niles had helped; he was aware of the changes, but it was the first time he was seeing it all in one piece.

She held her breath and clasped her hands together as she watched him turn to the final page. She could hold her breath for one page. He looked up when he was done, and let the back cover drift slowly shut.

"Well?" she asked.

"I think it's far better than anything I ever could have come up with," he said, putting the play aside and walking to her. "I think it's got hit written all over it. I really do. I'm not just saying that because I wrote half of it. Those changes, CC, I never knew you had any writing talent whatsoever."

"Me either," she admitted with a mischievous grin. "Ready to bank roll?"

"Where do I sign?" he asked, sliding his arms around her waist and pressing his lips to hers in a delicious kiss, made better by his fingers digging into just the right spots along her lower back. "Are you sure you want to produce this now?" he asked, pulling away and cautiously touching their child. "You'll be rushing."

"I can do it," she assured him. "I don't suppose you want to be in it, with your voice?"

"No thank you," he said, smirking. "But you'll find someone. I'll help you." CC nodded. She would need help to get it together so fast, and it was not as though Niles had gotten around to sorting out his new working life. He had been quite happy taking a holiday, and CC was not about to start nagging. It would only degenerate into their usual sparring. He could not sit still for much longer, she knew that. At least this way she could give him something to do, get him started, and if this was a success then Niles getting work would be no trouble at all.

*

Once she secured the theatre it did not take long for word to get to Maxwell. CC and Niles were preparing to move into their new home, amidst casting calls and meetings with potential backers who were so starved of decent theatre they were just happy to see a familiar face that wasn't Andrew Lloyd Webber. The man could only put on so many shows.

If the investors were nervous about the content of her show, it helped when then met with CC and realised that any rumours they'd heard were true; she really was married and with child. She really had married Maxwell Sheffield's butler. And she was back, this time solo. The insinuations she let into conversations about some sort of falling out with Maxwell only piqued their interest, and they threw money at her. She had been prepared to put some of her own money into the show, but she no longer thought she would need to.

The phone rang one night just as Niles was showing CC the beautiful lamb-skin rug he had bought for the baby out of his own meagre savings. She had to get him to stop doing that. They would have to sit down and work out some sort of financial system that left him feeling somewhat comfortable with using her money. She didn't mind. It was going to waste otherwise. And after all, she was the one who had been managing his pension plan for all those years. She had insisted on it; she had never trusted Maxwell to take the right sort of care with Niles' financial future. Jeremy's extra money had finally been put to good use. She just was not sure how Niles would react when she told him.

Her heart was melting as her fingers skimmed the rug, and she paid absolutely no attention to the ringing phone until she realised Niles had answered it and was holding it out to her, mouthing something she probably should have understood.

"CC Babcock," she said, brushing the tears from her eyes and polishing up her voice, assuming it was something to do with the show.

"CC, Maxwell," he said. CC's eyes went straight to Niles and he lifted his eyebrows and shrugged.

"Hello Maxwell," she said, as Niles sat slowly down beside her. She took the phone away from her ear and pressed the speaker button, holding the phone between them. Far be it from her to deprive Niles of a chance to eavesdrop. "How are you?" she asked.

"I've been better. I just got a call from Webber. He says you stole his theatre."

"I bargained for it. He's a terrible softie you know, and a terrible arm wrestler."

"What's this about you producing a show?"

"I'm producing a show," she said, though it seemed obvious he already knew. "It's scheduled to open in about three months as long as nothing goes wrong."

"You found backers?"

"Don't sound so surprised, Maxwell," she said, smiling into the phone and putting the false lilt back into her voice. It was strange how foreign it sounded to her. CC hadn't even realised she had stopped using it. Had she even used it with the investors? She couldn't remember.

"I wasn't surprised, not until Andrew Lloyd Webber started talking to me about my butler and how coincidental it was that your new play is called The Butler."

"Is it?" CC asked. "I hadn't heard that!"

"CC!" Maxwell exclaimed. "What is this play?"

"You passed on it Maxwell," she said. "I picked it up. Niles and I rewrote it."

"It's Niles' play?"

"Of course."

"And you had this bright idea, when?"

"Well if I recall correctly I had it not long before we moved to California-"

"You mean not long after you started sleeping with him?"

"That's not very fair Maxwell," CC said, resting a hand on Niles' knee to stop him interjecting. "Besides, you hated the play, so what's it to you now?"

"Webber says it's good."

"Webber hasn't read it."

"Do you have a lead?"

"Yes. Webber let me borrow his Phantom after I took his theatre."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm only kidding!" CC said, laughing. "Look you don't know him. He's an Australian, green, but he's got a great voice, comes off sounding British. He's perfect."

"Why are you doing this CC?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Publicly undermining me?"

"Maxwell, you're in LA, you're working on a television series. How could you possibly think I'm undermining you? I'm getting on with a job I love, that's all. I'm working on a very exciting project, and I'm just trying to do the best possible job. I'll invite you all to opening night of course. Niles and I would just love it if you came."

"Well, we'll see. How are you?"

"I'm wonderful, the baby's wonderful, and so is Niles. Would you like to talk to him?"

"No thank you CC, I'm very busy. Just...well, goodbye."

"Bye," she said, hanging up and turning to Niles. "Well, that went well. I'm so sorry he didn't want to speak to you."

"It's all right," Niles said, staring at the telephone in CC's hand. "I wish I could have seen his face for that Phantom comment." CC smirked.

"You liked that?"

"Oh baby!" he said, teasing. She laughed, leaning into him as Niles rubbed her hip with sure fingers. She shut her eyes and moved around to give him some more room.

"You know the worst thing?" she asked.

"You can't take these magic fingers with you to the theatre?" he asked, skating them lightly across her lower back, causing her to shiver and fidget. She laughed, shaking her head.

"No, I have to get the publicity wheel churning soon, and Maxwell is not going to like it."

"Don't worry about him. You've got a show to get out. Do what you have to do."

"Oh Niles, I never pictured you as the tough, knock 'em down business type."

"I learned from the best," he said in a low, droll voice. CC chuckled, her laugh nearly as deep.

"Don't stop, I like it."

*

CC could not help but smile proudly at the spread set out across the dining table. Arts sections of the sensible papers, as well as the tabloids, bore photographs of herself and Niles. There was a woman's magazine, an arts magazine. She and Niles had been collecting them for a week, and CC had watched her ticket sales climb with a sense of pride in her work she was not sure she had ever felt. She was doing it for herself, and it made such a difference.

Sales were not outstanding, but for a brand new show they were strong and promising. A few good reviews once the show opened would mean an even longer run than CC was anticipating, and even a few bad reviews would not hurt. Rehearsals were going well, the director was happy, and Niles had sat through the most recent full rehearsal with a smile so wide CC had needed to nudge him during the more serious parts of the play to tone it down.

"Oh, cute couple," Niles said as he walked past her carrying another tin of paint for the nursery she was not allowed near because of the alleged fumes. She was only humouring him. She had seen the labelling on the paint, and it was meant to be fume free. Niles just did not want her to see whatever it was he was doing in there. She was sure it would be perfect.

"You don't think the wife's looking a bit rotund?" she asked.

"A bit?" Niles said under his breath, but loud enough so that she heard him.

"The husband's looking a bit old!" she shouted as he disappeared into the baby's room. Niles stuck his head back towards her a moment later.

"Is that the best you can come up with? Soft, Babcock, real soft." CC rolled her eyes and laughed, returning her attention to the most recent article. It was not hard to spot the progression of articles. If she lined them up it was like a flip-book of her expanding pelvis. Each article was much the same, though more weight was given to the real-life situation in the tabloids, and more weight was given to the play in the sensible journals and papers.

CC did not care what the angle was. She checked each story for factual errors, misquotes, and straight-out lies, but so far had not needed to call up any publication and demand any retractions. Nobody had made any scandalous claims perhaps because the truth was scandalous in itself, although CC did not see it. It was not as though either of them had been married when they fell in love, and men and women from different backgrounds or classes had been getting together for years. It was nothing new.

But it sounded new on paper and that was the most important thing.

It also helped that it had happened in the midst of an ever-shrinking Broadway community whose members were mostly high society theatre buffs who loved nothing more than to gossip about each other, and CC was one of them.

CC's plug for the revival of the theatre industry had also not gone unnoticed, nor had her commitment to invest in the renovation of her favourite theatre; the small, off-Broadway hole in the wall she had first started working at. It was still used, but it had the potential to be greater, and she wanted its revival to be her next project; something she could manage from afar with a young child.

A few of the articles had even picked up on Niles' new career direction, as a butler for hire, and calls had already started coming in for him to assist at various private gatherings across the Upper East Side.

CC had a very good feeling that once again, she was in the right place, at the right time.

*

The first two weeks sold out before opening night, and as CC looked at the numbers and thanked her father for forcing her into a business degree, she could not wipe the smile off her face.

"Would you put those away and just enjoy it?" Niles asked from beside her in the back of their taxi. CC glanced at him and smiled, tucking her papers into her rectangular handbag. They looked so out of place, dressed in fine, brand new evening wear in the back of a cab, but they hadn't gotten around to getting a car. It would not be anything fancy. CC just wanted something safe for the baby to travel in; something economical that wouldn't waste too much money on petrol or insurance. It could be expensive, but it would not look it.

CC glanced down at herself and not for the first time marvelled at the amount of extra black and cream material that seemed to be involved in a dress for an eight month pregnant woman, compared to what she had worn for so many years beforehand. She sighed, resting a hand on her stomach just as the baby gave a tough little kick.

"Feeling okay?" Niles asked. CC nodded, though she had been nauseous of late. A return of morning sickness was not what she needed, but her body seemed to have other ideas. She could not believe how big she was. Niles did not seem to care. It was just more skin for him to kiss, he still found her attractive, he acted sometimes as though she wasn't pregnant at all, as though he just didn't see it. She rarely felt the need to ask him if he thought she was fat because she never needed to hear the standard answer. It was an amazing process, but she really was looking forward to the day she could wear normal sized clothes again. The day Niles could get his arms all the way around her again would be a cause for celebration, and she could not wait.

"Just nervous," she assured her husband as they pulled up at the theatre. CC paid the driver as Niles got out first. Cameras went off, there was a crowd out the front, but CC watched him focus on her and take it in stride. Niles was not big on cameras, despite what he had always claimed, and she had worried he may panic, but he seemed more worried about her and that was fine if it took his mind off the fact he would be in the paper again the next day.

Most of the opening night seats had gone to investors, cast and crew families and the media. CC and Niles had reserved a few prime tickets for themselves, CC's family, and the Sheffields, and they had sent them out blindly into the world by post with a letter of invitation. Nobody had replied, but CC had been trying not to let that get her down. This was their night. They had been working for nearly six months on it, amidst everything else.

Inside the theatre it was quieter without the flashing of so many cameras, and CC held Niles' hand as they made their way to the bar for a drink.

"I miss alcohol," CC said as she accepted her paper cup of water. Niles chuckled. There was no point reminding her how much longer she had. CC had decided she wanted to breastfeed. It would be a long time before she would be back on the hard liquor, although CC wondered if, once she lost her taste for it, she would ever really go back. Maybe not.

"Niles!" They turned around at the familiar young voice, and CC was stunned to see tall, thin Grace parting from her father to come towards them. She hugged Niles tightly.

"Look at you!" Niles said, holding his hand up to the top of her head. She was almost taller than him. "You've grown inches!"

"I know it's so infuriating!" she said. "Everyone in California thinks I'm sixteen. They don't believe me when I say I'm thirteen." CC smirked.

"I know that feeling. Hang in there."

"Wow, CC," Grace said, her eyes going wide as she looked CC up and down. "You look gorgeous, and huge!" CC laughed loudly, trying to find somewhere comfortable to rest her free hand. It was hard. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We're being surprised," she said. "Is your father going to come over, or is he sulking?"

"Oh um, I don't know I think he's talking to people," she said, waving her hand behind her without looking around. CC could see very well that Maxwell was not talking to anyone, but she returned her attention to Grace, who was talking to Niles about school and the latest news from Brighton and Maggie.

*

CC loved when audiences clapped for her shows, she had always gotten a kick out of it, but this was entirely different. This was Niles' play, and by its end he had tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. The audience was filled with her peers, not everyday people off the street, but the ones who had given her their money, the ones she had sucked up to for years without ever getting very far, flop after flop. She knew where the major critics were sitting, she and Niles had scouted them out during the intermission, and she saw at least two with smiles on their faces. Only one looked bored, and he was always bored and impossible to please. Two stars from him was high praise; she would be happy with one and a half. Even Maxwell looked like he was clapping, though it was Grace who was applauding the hardest.

"Do you think we pulled this off?" Niles whispered in her ear. She barely heard him as the actors left the stage for the final time and the lights came on. She could only nod for fear of collapsing into tears. She hated pregnancy hormones, but she was glad she had something to blame the tears on. It was a useful cover.

They stopped only briefly at the opening night party, to speak to the director and the cast, to show their appreciation for all their hard work and sweat and sleepless nights. CC would have stayed longer, but she needed to go home and lie down, and murder her heels for doing what they were doing to her poor feet. It was agony she had not felt in months of wearing flats, and Niles only laughed at her.

The cab dropped them off across the street from their apartment, but Niles stopped her before she hurried across the road. He took her hands and she smiled when she saw the deep sincerity in his eyes.

"What?" she asked, her voice gentle.

"Thank you so much for doing this," he said. "It's vindication." CC nodded. "I don't care if everybody else tonight hated it. I loved it, and I love you." CC shut her eyes as the tears finally beat her, and she hugged Niles tightly.

"You're welcome," she said, weeping into his neck. "But can I please go upstairs and get out of these shoes?" Niles chuckled, pulling back far enough to look down at her feet. "Do they look swollen?" she asked. "I can't see them anymore."

"We'll wrap the ice packs around them for a bit," he suggested. CC groaned. It had to be bad if he was suggesting first aid. "Not long to go," he said. "And now the show's open you can sit back, relax, and produce from a distance while I go off and, how do you put it, open doors for people and get them water?"

"That's about the sum of it," CC said, teasing as she wrapped her arm around his. She was halfway across the street before she recognised the man sitting on the steps leading up to their apartment. "Oh my God," she said, whispering as they crossed onto the sidewalk. "Daddy?" Niles let go of her arm as she approached the older man, who had stood and was walking towards her.

"Hi kitten," he said. "I got your letter. Look at you!"

"I didn't think you got it," CC said, allowing her father to hug her as best he could around her bulge. "What are you doing here?"

"I was at the play tonight," he said. "I didn't want you to see me; I wanted to see you privately later. Your brother sends his apologies."

"You saw the play?"

"I did, and it was brilliant CC. You really outdid yourself. I read in the paper you co-wrote it?"

"Oh, well Niles wrote it," CC said, reaching back for Niles and hauling him forward. "We edited it together. Niles, you remember my father, Stuart."

"It's been some years," her father said, shaking Niles' hand.

"It's nice to see you again. So good of you to come."

"Well I wasn't sure I would be able to, to be honest, which is why it was somewhat of a surprise. CC when are you due?"

"A little under four weeks, but two would be really good at this stage." He chuckled.

"I'm going away for two weeks, but then I'm in New York for a month. I want you to call me so I can be there, okay?"

"Really?" CC asked, stunned when her father handed over a business card turned upside down, to reveal what had to be a new cell phone number. "What, you want to pace around the waiting room?"

"Damn straight," he said. "Does your mother know?"

"Yes, she told me very politely that she didn't care."

"Oh honey," he said with a sigh, reaching up to touch her cheek with his knuckles. "I promise I'll be around, and I mean it this time. I want to meet this little baby." CC felt herself nodding. Absolutely. He was going to be a grandfather. He could absolutely be there.

"Thank you daddy," she whispered.

"Now listen, you're probably beat and I need to pack for my early morning flight. Call me on that number any time. You can leave a message if I don't pick up, I'll check." CC nodded, hugging her father more tightly and kissing his cheek. He gave her a final squeeze, before shaking Niles' hand once more, and thanking him for taking care of his daughter. It was a comment that might have made CC angry years earlier, but all she really wanted was for Niles to have a bath with her and rub her back for her, and if that was taking care of her then she supposed it was okay in her books. She did not have to do absolutely everything by herself, and if she was really honest with herself she rarely had.

They crawled into bed an hour later both smelling of lavender, and CC hummed when Niles leant over her back and kissed her cheek. She turned her head and shoulders until their lips met, and they pecked lightly in the dark.

"I'm so proud of you Niles," she said as they parted and settled on their pillows for the night. "I'm so proud to be your wife." Niles did not answer but she knew he was still awake. She thought maybe it was too much for him to respond to after such an emotional night, but she was not sure she had ever told him that before, and pride was different to love, it negated shame and bridged class. And she was proud, and so incredibly content.

*

"And then," CC said, taking a deep breath as Susanna fiddled with her father's fingernails. "The play turned into a big hit. It wasn't massive, not like Phantom or Cats, but it made a lot of money and ran for a long time for an original on Broadway. It was one of those quirky, seasonal plays that come and go, but that people remember for a long time."

"Ahuh," Susanna said, and CC smiled. Susanna did not understand the theatre yet. That part was going right over her head.

"And then," she said, leaning over and ruffling her daughter's hair. "You came along a whole week early!"

"Were you happy about that?" she asked. CC nodded, grinning.

"More than you could possibly imagine. And daddy was there, grandpa came and visited. There was even a little photo of me and you in the paper."

"Did Max visit when I was a baby?"

"No, we didn't see them again for a long time, not until the last time we saw them, last year."

"Really?" Susanna asked. "Why?"

"Maxwell was jealous. After your daddy's play, I had a string of good shows. It was a run that he had never had. The television show in California he was working on was cancelled two years in, and he had to find another project, but has only found small things since."

"That's sad."

"He's rich darling," CC said. "They manage. He's looking at doing some documentaries actually, and is trying to get a few pay-TV networks interested in committing to buy them."

"Do you want to do TV?"

"No, I really don't," CC said, shaking her head. "You get paid more money in TV, but I don't like it as much. I don't belong in that business world."

"Are they still mad at you?"

"No angel," CC said. Susanna gave her a disbelieving look and CC smirked. "Well...not much. Niles was his butler, I started as his secretary. Our happiness and success is hard for Maxwell to handle. We grew apart, that's all. We have different lives now."

"Does he miss having a butler?"

"You know I don't know?" she said, laughing. "I'm sure they do miss Niles, but they have a new butler, and a lady who visits a few days a week to help Fran with the twins."

"Like a nanny? Everyone has a nanny!"

"You don't," CC reminded her. "And you're not getting one."

"But mommy!"

"No, absolutely not."

"Daddy would let me have one." CC laughed.

"He would not. And haven't you been listening to my story? What does that tell you?"

"You don't like nannies and you love daddy lots?"

"And you," CC said.

"And me," Susanna repeated with a wide grin, looking pleased with herself. "Is that the end?"

"Don't tell me you have more questions. I'm losing my voice." Susanna laughed at the dramatic expression on CC's face because she knew it wasn't true. CC had not done that much talking; her brain was more tired than her tongue.

"Not now," Susanna said. "I'm tired."

"Can I have a hug?" she asked. Susanna nodded and slid off her chair before climbing onto CC's and into her lap. "Don't grow up too fast one me okay?" CC told her. "Your daddy and I want to savour you for as long as we can."

"Does that mean I don't get to go to boarding school either?"

"Never," CC said. "I know it sounds exciting in books and on TV, but I'll put you on the phone with Uncle Noel and he'll change your mind forever. Besides, mommy and daddy would be so very lonely without you."

"Mommy, do you ever pretend like you're a different person? Like a character on a movie or a friend?"

"I used to," CC whispered. "But not anymore." Susanna sighed and relaxed against her.

"I decided, I don't want to quit school anymore."

"Good," CC said. "If those other children tease you for having a daddy who's a butler, you just tell them that at least your house is very, very clean. And at least your daddy picks you up from school. That will make them very jealous, I promise."

"Really?" Susanna asked. CC nodded, smiling at the memory of her father as a young man.

"Would have worked for me."


	11. Chapter 11

ELEVEN

CC walked Susanna to school the next morning after helping with her hair, as usual, and making her lunch, which was Niles' job. She knew Susanna would be far less impressed with her sandwich and snacks today, but no matter how hard she tried the only thing she could really pull off in the kitchen was pizza.

"It's this way isn't it?" CC said as they walked hand in hand through the front door and veered down a right hand side hallway. CC usually dropped her off at the gate on the way to her early morning meetings, but she wanted to speak to the teacher and let her know the situation. If something happened to Niles, CC would be taking her daughter out of school immediately, and at the very least Susanna had spent the past two days at his bedside, she had an active imagination, and CC did not want her to be upset with no one to talk to.

"This one," Susanna announced, excited to be back at school. CC crouched on the ground and gave her a long, tight hug, before kissing her cheek.

"Have a good day," she said, aware there was a group of girls calling out to her. Susanna returned CC's kiss and then hurried to put her bag away and join her friends, and CC stood to wait to speak to the teacher, who was currently involved in a discussion with a woman in a pale blue uniform. If it had been a public school CC might have thought she was a mother on her way to a nursing shift, but she knew better.

*

She did have a meeting at the theatre afterwards, but what was meant to be a thirty minute catch-up dragged into a two and a half hour debriefing on the progress of rehearsals, costuming, lighting and music. The director had a lot to run by her, and CC did her best to focus for that time and approach each problem with a sensible head. By the time she left it was lunch time, she starving, and the sense that she had to be at the hospital was overwhelming the rest of her functions. She took a cab straight there from the theatre, and stopped in at the cafeteria to collect some fruit and a chicken sandwich to eat in his room, nothing too aromatic.

She sat down in her chair beside Niles' bed, stuck her apple in her mouth, crossed her legs and laid out the handful of pages with the director's scribbled notes on her lap. She flicked through them as she ate, to make sure he had not missed anything out of their meeting that he should have mentioned.

CC did not give Niles much attention until she disposed of her empty lunch packaging and apple core and returned to the room, sated and ready for a break from work. Without Susanna there, she felt less self-conscious about sitting on his bed, and she perched on the mattress near his hips and held his hand in her lap. His fingers twitched against her and CC smiled at him, glad she had some sign that the doctors were on the right track about him doing so well.

"Are you about ready to wake up?" she asked pointedly, with a raised eyebrow he could not see. "Do you know how boring it is sitting around a hospital? And you're not even awake to entertain me, you old man."

Niles' breathing was calm and even, and CC leant forward just long enough to press her lips gently to his.

"Susie's back at school, she's doing just fine. She had me telling her all sorts of stories. Maybe you wouldn't approve of some of the content, but she is a Babcock and it's important she knows where she stands in the world. Really I think she just wanted to hear about her mommy and daddy, and I edited out all the strange fights we've had...and the terrific sex."

CC looked down at his hand, held in one of hers as the other rhythmically stroked over his knuckles. She felt a pain in her chest when she realised all she wanted was to feel him responding to her touch. She always thought he would die before her, but she wanted to be an old woman when it happened. Maybe then it would hurt less, maybe then it would be easier to accept his limp hand in hers. His hair had not even gone grey. She glanced at the cast on his leg.

"Do you remember when I broke my collarbone?" she asked him. "In the snow?"

*

"Niles! Ni-iles! Niles, get in here you rat-bastard!"

"Now, now," he said as he bustled in with a towel slung over his shoulder. He smirked at her, sitting up in bed with her arm held out to the side in a traction frame that wrapped around her injured collarbone. "I'll have you know my mother was an adorable little mouse. Why do you think I'm so cute?"

"I think you're insane!" she exclaimed. "Where is my dog?"

"Having his dinner, and you, Queen of Patience, it's time for your bath. I would chain you up outside and just run the hose over you, but you'd freeze, get hit with a snowball, and fracture into a million pieces, and then I wouldn't have my chew toy anymore."

"You are not chewing anywhere near me," CC said, glaring. "Anyway, I don't need your help. I can take a bath!"

"Can you really?" he asked. CC had not actually thought about it, and she pressed her lips together in a stubborn refusal to budge as soon as she realised that he was right. She needed that extra pair of arms. "Do you think this is how I pictured spending my vacation?" Niles asked. "Trust me, CC Babcock, naked in a tub; I could vomit just at the thought." CC lifted her eyes to meet his as they filled with tears. She knew for a fact he had once found her attractive, hadn't he? Or was he just funning some more, maybe trying to convince himself she was an appalling excuse for a woman to deny that maybe, just maybe, he still wanted her. Niles met her eyes and then quickly looked away, and CC sucked in a breath.

When she was younger she had pictured being with him. Hell, they'd taken shirts off in her room at Oxford and made it to second base. It was just that having to be bathed around a cumbersome, heavy cast by a man who had made it very clear he didn't care about her was not what she had pictured between them. But what choice did she have? She was the one who had fallen out of the car the minute they arrived. Good work CC, she told herself. Screwing up, like always.

Niles helped her quickly and efficiently. He used a washer, not his hands, and the warm water and painkillers mixed to send CC into a comfortable dozing situation. At some point she became aware of the rapid beating of Niles' heart not far from her ear as he crouched behind her on the tiles, motionless. The washer was draped over her raised knee, and held there by the hand of his not holding her upright.

"Are you looking at me?" she asked, her voice low and content. "It's okay if you are."

"Miss Babcock," Niles said, his voice clipped. "I wouldn't look at you in exchange for a hundred vacations. I was wondering what to do about your hair. If we sat you in front of the sink, could you lean your head back?"

"No," CC said, her face scrunching up at just the thought. "It hurts."

"Maybe there's a product in the shops we can use. Mrs Sheffield will know."

"No!" CC insisted, shaking her head. "No, this is none of Nanny Fine's business."

"Miss Babcock, look at you with your arm sticking out from your shoulder like a half done, plaster-of-Paris scarecrow. I don't think you're in a position to argue."

"Yeah, well you just be glad I don't have my period."

"I knew you were low on oestrogen."

"If I could hit you..." Niles only laughed. "I meant not right now," she added through clenched teeth. "Help me up will you? I can't feel my ass anymore."

"This is perhaps the least classy conversation I've ever heard whizzing out of your mouth," Niles said as he hauled her to her feet under her arms and helped her step out onto the mat. CC just had to stand there, bracing herself against the wall with her good hand, as Niles dried her. He went to help her into a hotel robe, and then stopped, frozen. CC only glared at him as his eyes obviously settled across her arms and chest.

"What?" she asked.

"How are you meant to get a top on with your arm held out in plaster like that?"

"Unhook the frame."

"I can't, you heard the doctor. It has to stay that way for at least a week. We can drape this around your good side I suppose." Tears stung CC's eyes as she watched him mimic how he would put the robe on, holding it in front of him. He looked so focussed and thoughtful, as though it didn't matter two hoots to him that she was naked just one metre away.

"Can you please just cover me up?" she asked, her voice betraying her embarrassment. Niles met her eyes, and hurried to wrap the robe around her as best he could.

"We can drape another over you in bed, like a blanket," he said. "You'll be warm, and any room service staff won't get an undeserving eyeful." CC could only nod in thanks.

*

"This is the worst vacation ever!" CC exclaimed three days later as she used her good hand to take the pills from Niles' palm and pop them into her mouth. The water bottle was next.

"You're telling me?" he asked, perching on the edge of the bed. "At least we're going home soon."

"Great," CC replied with a dry tone and wide, unimpressed eyes. Niles chuckled.

"Hey, who is the one who has to stay up here with you two days after the rest of them leave just to take you to the doctor?"

"Oh don't pretend you're not happy you get an extra two days without having to run around like a butler."

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

"You know what I mean. 'Niles, unpack my suitcase, won't you old man?' 'Niles, we're out of ice cream, will you go to the store and get some?' 'Niles, where's my hairbrush? I can't find it, oh wait, here it is!' Doesn't it drive you insane?"

"At least people talk to me."

"Oh be serious," she said, levelling him with a glare. "They treat you like shit most of the time and you know it, even the kids. I've seen Fran ask you to pass her something that's like, oh I don't know, two metres away!"

"I like helping them."

"You're a door mat."

"How long does it take for these pain killers to kick in?"

"Niles I..." CC was lost for words as her eyes filled with tears. He frowned at her, touching her cheek with the backs of his fingers. She shut her eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You feel very warm. Don't get sick on me Babcock."

"What happened to you?" she said, watching him as he blushed and looked away. "Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for, well, this, for you staying with me, but I..." She stopped at the stunned expression on Niles' face, his wide, blue eyes and open mouth pointed directly at her. "What?" she asked, reaching up self consciously to ensure her robe still mostly covered her. "What is it?"

"I think that's the first time you've ever thanked me...for anything."

"That's not true!" CC said, scoffing until she realised that maybe, just maybe, it was.

"You don't think I'm good enough, I get it," Niles said, standing.

"No!" she called out, forcing him to stop in the doorway. He turned to her. "You don't get it. I thought you were too good, okay? I never thought, and it's not like you came right out and told me either!"

"What?"

"Niles..."

"Forget it," he said, huffing when she failed to explain herself. "I'll get us dinner." CC rested back on her mountain of pillows when he left, allowing her tears to trickle down her cheeks. She did not understand what had just happened. She hated being incapacitated; she hated having to rely on Niles or anyone else. She was in pain, and hadn't been sleeping properly, and she didn't know what she was saying anymore. It was just nice to have him there. CC did not know why he had to act so surprised and then get all defensive.

*

Niles never came back with any food for her, and CC expected that. It was just like him. She managed to turn a movie on with the remote control, and then she got out of bed and limped to the light switch to turn it off. When she got back into bed she accidentally knocked her outstretched arm against the headboard and pressed her lips together to muffle her scream and to stop her cursing aloud.

She got herself as comfortable as she possibly could, and then laid her head back against her pillows to watch the old movie, doing her best to close her eyes every few minutes, trying to will herself to sleep, but who could sleep in her position? The harder she tried to relax the more tense she got. She just wanted to take a chainsaw and cut through the cast. Why couldn't they have cast her arm in a more sensible position? Complicated break her ass!

"What's all this grumbling?" Niles asked in the dark. CC had stopped paying attention to the movie, but when she looked up to see him cast in the large television's glow she realised it was nearing the end.

"None of your damn business," she said under her breath. Niles was dressed for bed, in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, and he padded barefoot over to her.

"I'm afraid that it is my business Miss Babcock, unless it's your monthly friend and in that case, I'll be getting Mrs Sheffield to-"

"Like Hell you will. Nanny Fine's not getting anywhere near me! Besides I told you, didn't I? You're safe for another week and a half, Jeeves. Just go to bed already."

"What's the matter?" he asked, sitting on the bed. "Do you need more painkillers? You're probably due. Some water? Do you feel ill? Are you hungry?"

"I can't sleep okay?" she said, just to shut him up. "I haven't been able to sleep since I got here." Niles pressed his lips together. CC knew the butler in him probably felt guilty for not knowing that, but it wasn't like he was sleeping with her. How could he have known?

"Why don't you think you can sleep?" he asked.

"Are you kidding? Have you seen me, Niles? I'm in a strange bed, I look like I belong in a Halloween play, my back and neck is killing me, and I'm doped and cranky and augh!"

"Okay, okay, stop your growling," Niles said, smirking as he switched on the bedside lamp. "First of all, no television in the dark. It doesn't help." CC sighed as he switched it off.

"I wasn't even watching it. I just wanted the background noise."

"Can you sit forward?"

"I'll probably topple forward I'm so top-heavy with this damn cast."

"Wait here," he said, getting off the bed and hurrying from the room. CC rolled her eyes. Yeah okay, sure, because she really felt like running a marathon and it was his order that was going to stop her. What an idiot.

CC acknowledged that maybe he was a little less of an idiot when he returned a few minutes later with a heat pack.

"Sit forward," he said. "Try to relax your head down."

"I can't," she whispered, as he squeezed in behind her. "It kills." Niles wrapped the warm, blue packet around her neck anyway, and held it there with one hand, before drawing the robe off her shoulder with his other. CC tensed, her skin rose in goose bumps. "Niles-"

"It's all right," he said. "I wouldn't dream of molesting you Babcock." CC was not sure she believed that when she felt one arm wrap around her. His fingers splayed out over her sternum and he pushed her further forward, stretching her back and rubbing large circles over it with his free hand. CC lifted her knees to help balance, but he had a strong, safe hold of her with his hand pressed between her breasts. Her head fell forward and her eyes shut at the sharp pains that travelled from the base of her skull to her tailbone, pain that Niles was stretching out of her from somewhere deep amongst her bruised muscles and bones.

She groaned, long and loud, as he focussed on the curve of her lower back. She arched into his hand and barely registered him laughing somewhere near her shoulder. What was so damn funny?

"Babcock," he said. "This is about the time I tell you I don't know what I'm doing."

"Bullshit. Don't stop." She felt she could barely catch her breath.

"You know the way you're carrying on, if anyone was listening they'd think we were-"

"Niles, please!" She just wanted him to shut up, didn't he know that?

"Your lower back's all squished down in its arch from trying to sit in this leaning back against pillows position so long." CC could only gurgle and moan as he found another knot. What was she, a loaf of bread? His had to be the luckiest dough in the world. Her legs were shaking. She could not hold them up for much longer. She just wanted to lie back and rest.

As soon as she had the thought her body took over, and Niles was on to the subtle changes in her posture. He drew her upright, and then back towards the pillows he had hurriedly rearranged. Once she was lying on a warm, loose back, CC looked up at him through slit eyes, still making little noises in her throat and shifting her spine as best she could. Her lips parted as she watched his chest heaving. He had gotten pleasure out of that, she knew it.

"God I want you," she whispered, breathing deeply as her eyes closed.

"Shh, I see the drugs have kicked in," he said, brushing his fingers over her forehead. "Go to sleep honey." CC did as she was told, but her lingering thought was that he hadn't called her 'Miss' Babcock. That night, she thought maybe to him she was just CC. Babcock. Honey.

*

CC laughed as she recounted that night, leaning over the still body of her husband. Looking back, drugs had little to do with either of their reactions. She kept the words of their memory quiet, private between the two of them, enclosed in the blonde hair that fell over her ears and touched his cheeks. Her laughter turned to tears when she saw the corners of Niles' lips curl upwards, just as she ended the tale. His cheeks twitched under the tips of her hair. She squeezed his hand, and his fingers moved; consciously, she thought. Thank God.

"Can you hear me Niles?" she asked, laying a hand against his jaw and stroking a thumb over his cheek. His bruising looked so much better already.

"Mm," he hummed, his voice choked and dry. "My baby by my side." CC leant forward and kissed him in the corner of his mouth, feeling his eyelashes flutter against her. "What happened?" he asked. When CC pulled away she looked into two narrowed, deep blue eyes filled with concern and confusion, clouded by a mix of pain and painkillers. Still, he looked happy, and she had a good feeling it was because she was there, and he had heard her.

"You're in hospital," she said in a whisper. "You were in a car accident." Niles frowned. Clearly he did not remember. CC laid a hand over his chest and he glanced sideways, towards the still-beeping monitor.

"Did I have a heart attack?" he asked, looking back at her. She shook her head, unable to help her pleased smile.

"We thought that's what it was, that was probably what you thought it was when it was happening. We're not sure if you panicked, or passed out. Either way you hit a lamp post."

"In the car?" he asked. CC nodded.

"It was just your angina Niles. You didn't have a heart attack; your heart's doing just fine. You do have a broken leg though, and you've been unconscious for a few days with a bad concussion."

"Is that why you were telling me that story?" he asked, smiling up at her. CC nodded. "I heard you laughing. Susanna?"

"She's at school today," CC said, stroking her fingers through his hair. "Are you in any pain? Do you need the nurse?"

"I think I'm okay," he said, sighing and shutting his eyes. "Have you been here?"

"Every day," she said, whispering. "Susie slept in bed with me to keep me company at night."

"Scared?" he asked, opening his eyes to watch her. CC leant forward until her nose was just in front of his.

"Terrified," she whispered.

"Had this dream," he said, mumbling under his breath. "You and me in bed in the hotel, with my play, singing the songs together." CC grinned and sat back, watching the way his smile lit up his tired face. It was not so much a dream as a memory. "When can I go home?"

"I don't know, a couple of days? I'm going to tell the nursing staff you're awake, all right? I'll be back." Niles nodded, and CC squeezed his hand before she left. He squeezed back.

*

CC was getting ready for bed a week later when Niles swung in on his crutches. She turned, and watched Niles' eyes travel over her full figure, draped in pink and white lace and satin.

"Oh baby," he said, nudging the bedroom door closed with one of his crutches.

"Is she asleep?" CC asked. He nodded.

"She wanted to tell me all about what you told her. About you growing up, and about us. She's very pleased with herself, feeling like a little encyclopaedia of facts about her parents. She just didn't seem to grasp that I was there for the actual events, and she kept looking at me when I laughed at all the convenient little gaps I found!" CC laughed.

"She's five Niles, not twenty-five."

"Was it sufficient distraction?"

"It did help pass the time, and it was nice to think you might hear me. Who was on the phone earlier when I was on the phone to the theatre director?"

"Mrs Sheffield," Niles said, before catching himself. "Fran. Just wanted to see how I was. I spoke to Maxwell briefly. Grace got into Yale. She's keen to visit."

"Susanna loves her," CC reminded him with a smile. "That would be wonderful."

"Before I brush my teeth I'd just like to point out, two days out of hospital and you're wearing that? Are you trying to kill me?" CC laughed.

"No," she said, tracing a finger along the lace bodice. "I just thought that, without getting the heart rate up too high, we could...celebrate life, a little?" Niles laughed and swung past her.

"I think it would be okay to enjoy my wife...a little," he said from the nearby bathroom, the door open between them. "Do you still have that taping of our first show?"

"Of course, why?" she asked, sitting on the bed and running her tongue over her clean teeth.

"Your daughter wants to see it."

"She's your daughter, thank you! Did you know you've got her sneaking around? She heard you call me your lover on the couch the other week."

"I don't think it bothered her. And who ran riot in some fancy schmancy apartment block when she was five, playing Nancy Drew, chasing her nanny to every other room."

"That scarred me for life!" CC said, laughing when Niles returned with a wide grin on his face.

"I don't remember seeing any scars that night I ate chocolate sauce off you." CC smirked.

"Well we are not doing that tonight. I don't want you to drop dead on top of me." Niles shook his head in a silent promise as CC stood to lock the bedroom door. They never fell asleep with it locked, but it was a temporary precaution.

"Let's not say the D word," he said as she returned. "It makes me nervous." CC pulled the covers back and draped herself against his side as he sat against the headboard. Her hand rubbed over his chest, where she knew he was bruised from his seatbelt, and they kissed quietly. "CC," he said, listening to her hum through their joined lips. He pulled back long enough to speak, nuzzling his face against hers. "Slowly." She nodded. She would never risk their health.

*

"Comfortable?" she asked some time later. The door was unlocked again, the lights were off, and Niles was tucked in beside her. They were both dressed, and his head lay near hers on their side-by-side pillows. He nodded, dragging her onto her side until she was pressed up against him. She rested a hand lightly on his ribs and shut her eyes. "Wake me if you feel ill or need more painkillers," she whispered. "God, that cast is scratchy." Niles nodded, stroking her hand and turning his face towards her.

"What was your favourite bit?" he asked.

"Of just then?" CC asked, smirking. "Do you really want to know?"

"No," he said, chuckling as she released a rare giggle. "Of the last twenty-odd years."

"Hmm, lots of times," she mumbled. Niles poked her firmly in the ribs and she squealed. "What?"

"That's cheating."

"Well okay," she said, opening her eyes and resting a hand on his turned cheek. "Before Susanna...It was the look in your eyes when you said you would come to New York with me, when you stood next to me and told Maxwell and Fran. It only made me fall...in love with you more. And after Susanna...when she was born, and I saw you holding the daughter you never thought you'd have, all bloody and squirming, and you brought her to me and put her on my chest and wrapped us up together."

"What about for you?" Niles asked, stretching over to kiss her nose. "Those are about me."

"No they're not. You are about me. I never thought I'd have a daughter either. I thought I'd...be a failure at it just like I probably would have been if I didn't have you."

"She adores you, you know," he said. CC shut her eyes and nodded.

"What about your favourite bits?" she asked.

"Easy," he said. "All the times I got to see you smile, in the Sheffield home, when no one else did or when you thought no one was looking. I remember dancing with you once, and you gave me this big grin when I dipped you, that moment was perfect, and then tonight."

"Mm?" CC asked when he did not finish the thought.

"When my beautiful daughter looked up at me and said she didn't care that I was a butler."

"She's never cared, darling," CC whispered, rubbing his chest.

"Yes, but you gave her reasons. Thank you."

"Well someone had to teach her, and I wasn't going to let any nanny do it for me."

"That's my girl," Niles said, laughing. "I'm so happy where we are, Chastity, Chastity Claire. I want you to know that in case something ever-" CC blindly found his lips with her fingers and pressed them there, cutting him off until she could lift her head and stare down into his eyes.

"Don't talk like that," she said. "Don't you dare. That name is only to be used in certain intimate situations-"

"What's this then?"

"This is you trying to say goodbye and I won't hear of it!" Niles blushed as anger flashed in CC's eyes. Tears filled them both up. "We just made love," she whispered. "Please don't-"

"I'm sorry," he said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her back down against his chest. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just a stupid butler, remember?" CC took a deep, settling breath against him and did her best not to cry as Niles' arms tightened around her.

"You were never just a butler to me," she whispered, finding her own pillow but keeping hold of him. "You're the only man I've ever loved. Do you know that?" she asked, her voice soft and filled with sleep.

"Of course I do," he said. He waited a beat, until CC relaxed, before adding, "Wench." She opened her eyes and frowned at him.

"Pig," she hissed. He grinned, and CC saw it in his eyes before she heard it from his lips.

"Chicken." She took his face in her hands and silenced him with an urgent, fierce kiss that Niles returned, full of history and passion and silent promises. She had been a chicken once, but so had he. They weren't anymore.

The End


End file.
